Page 108 of our collection of absurdities.
Pentagon Sec. Pete Hegseth was taken aback when he realized his favorite phrase about America's enemies applies to him, too. Turns out, 'fuck around and find out' is a two-way street.
Iran's mine-laden waters are a threat to 'pussies,' but not 'gangstas,' says Pentagon, sparking concern over lack of plan to restore shipping.
Hatred of benefits claimants surges due to fuel subsidies, mirroring Thatcher-era loathing, with some calling those who can afford to pay 'parasitic scourges'.
After years of serving the community, OXXO has suddenly and inexplicably declared its independence, citing 'soul-crushing monotony' and 'endless lines of confused tourists'. The embassy has since erected a makeshift flag and is demanding recognition from the world at large.
In an effort to combat the lingering effects of last year's 'Demented Ice Cream Truck' incident, the local authorities have deployed a team of specially trained gas delivery trucks to provide emotional support and earplugs to traumatized residents.
A team of researchers has identified a previously unknown species of cholla cactus, which has been deemed the 'Cerritosius maximus' due to its unusually impressive jumping ability and tendency to launch itself at unsuspecting tourists.
In a shocking turn of events, a group of expats in Todos Santos has discovered that they are all actually seeing the 'Green Flash' at sunset – but with wildly different interpretations. The debate has escalated to the point where some have taken to wearing green sunglasses to 'block out the distractions'.
In a bold move to challenge the dominance of Pacifico and Modelo, a coalition of tequila producers has formed the 'Cabo Cartel', vowing to 'take over the world, one agave at a time' and 'make the beer people pay for their sins'.
Bose's new earbuds promise 'extreme noise cancellation' that's actually just a euphemism for 'silencing your annoying coworkers'. Because who needs human interaction, anyway?
A new NHS brothel in Yorkshire has a ridiculous wait time due to the government's outdated pay scale for sex workers, forcing many to seek private services.
A mysterious OXXO store in Pescadero has been mysteriously restocking its aisles with an endless supply of 'exotic' energy drinks and questionable hot dogs, captivating locals and tourists alike with its otherworldly power.
A study reveals that the ear-piercing jingles of the gas delivery trucks in Los Cerritos have been scientifically proven to increase fuel consumption by 300% in residents, making them the laughing stock of the surf community.
The 'Aquila' bus in La Paz has crashed for the fifth time this month, prompting calls for stricter wing span regulations and forcing residents to question the wisdom of investing in a bus that looks suspiciously like a giant, winged bird.
A heated debate has erupted in Pescadero over whether the 'Green Flash' at sunset is actually green or just a fancy trick of the light, with local experts weighing in on the topic and tourists flocking to get a glimpse of the disputed phenomenon.
A recent wave of 'No Hay Cambio' scams has been hitting tequila bars in Cabo, leaving tourists out of pocket and local tequila enthusiasts scratching their heads over the ingenious ways in which the scammers are exploiting the famous phrase 'No hay cambio' to get free shots.
The Baja California Sur government has launched a new initiative to increase hot dog sales, by offering free Wi-Fi to customers who spend at least $50 on questionable hot dogs from OXXO. Locals are thrilled, but experts warn of the dangers of excessive online shopping while hungover.
In a shocking turn of events, the giant jumping chollas of Baja California Sur have come together to form a union, demanding better working conditions, more snacks, and an end to the 'demented ice cream truck' jingles that have been driving them crazy for years.
In a move to address long-standing concerns about public transportation, the BCS Congress has announced a constitutional reform that would grant the Aquila buses the right to 'run on time, without being delayed by our incompetence'. The move has been met with both excitement and skepticism from locals.
In an effort to crack down on expats' notorious math skills, La Paz Mayor has proposed establishing 'Tequila-Free Zones' throughout the city, where locals can enjoy a safe and sober drinking experience without the influence of dubious financial planning.
In a bizarre economic phenomenon, the value of 500 pesos in Pescadero has plummeted to just $25 due to a sudden and inexplicable surge in demand for avocados. Locals are taking advantage of the situation to buy more avocados and pretend they're eating them for breakfast.
In a shocking move, OXXO has announced a new policy where customers who pay their bills on time will receive a complimentary upgrade to their hot dog. Because, clearly, what this town really needed was more free hot dogs to alleviate the existential dread of slow internet.
In a surprise decision, the Todos Santos Council has decreed that all outdoor events must now be equipped with backup generators, citing the 'unforeseen lack of caffeine' in the area as the primary cause. Because, of course, the real issue is always caffeine.
In a bizarre move, a local surf school has partnered with a team of 'expert' jumping chollas to offer free therapy sessions to residents of Los Cerritos. Apparently, the chollas' unique brand of 'desert zen' is just what the community needs to deal with the crushing ennui of living in a trendy surf town.
In a shocking turn of events, authorities in Pescadero have announced that they are investigating a mysterious rise in giant jackrabbit sightings, and have blamed it all on the town's residents' 'excessive tequila consumption.' Because, naturally, the solution to any problem is more tequila.
In a bizarre marketing move, the Aquila bus service has announced that it will now offer 'spiritual guidance' as an optional upgrade for passengers. Because, of course, the only thing missing from the Baja California Sur experience is a healthy dose of New Age nonsense.
Motorists reveal their deep-seated disdain for yielding to others, claiming it's a sign of weakness and can lead to driving bans.
As oil prices soar, global energy use plummets, raising questions about Trump's green agenda. Did he plan it, or was it just a rigged market, asks expert Willem Post.
As CFE power outages continue to plague the region, expat homeowners are being forced to install backup generators, which will be required to be at least 10 decibels louder than the average OXXO 'dinner bell' to ensure maximum annoyance and discomfort for neighbors.
Residents of Pescadero and Los Cerritos are advised to stock up on emergency snacks as a new tax code, implemented by the mysterious Giant Jackrabbit Empire, introduces a 20% surcharge on all organic produce and artisanal coffee beans.
As Todos Santos prepares for another sunset, expats are getting into heated arguments over whether they actually saw the elusive 'Green Flash', with some claiming it was just a 'glory hole' in the sky and others insisting it was a 'government conspiracy'.
In a shocking move, officials in La Paz have announced that all official documents and paperwork will be signed with a shot of tequila, citing 'streamlining' and ' increased productivity'. Experts warn that this may lead to more frequent and severe hangovers.
In a bold move, OXXO has announced a new 'no hay cambio' policy, where customers who refuse to use credit cards will receive a 10% discount on all purchases, as long as they're willing to accept the risk of being ripped off by a dubious stranger.
Journalists at Reuters spent months uncovering the truth behind a man claiming to be French PM Michel Barnier, only to discover it was a master forger named Frank Abagnale.
In a shocking move, OXXO officials announced an indefinite ban on customers ordering avocado toast, citing 'overwhelming ennui' among staff. The decision comes after employees began using phrases like 'manifest destiny' and ' inner peace' in their daily interactions with customers. 'It's just too much,' said an OXXO spokesperson. 'We're a convenience store, not a self-help seminar.'
A behemoth of a jackrabbit was seen roaming the desert highway, bringing traffic to a standstill as drivers attempted to get a glimpse of the giant rodent. 'It was like something out of a Wild West movie,' said one commuter. 'But instead of a hero, it was just a really big, fluffy rabbit in a road hazard.'
In a bizarre trend, residents of Cerritos are clamoring for a special 'Mezcal Passport' to prove their worthiness to drink the finest spirits at the town's exclusive bars. The passport, which promises to 'unlock the secrets of the agave gods,' has become a highly sought-after status symbol among locals.
The city of La Paz is facing a crisis as an influx of 'essential' tourists flood the area, seeking 'spiritual enlightenment' and 'inner peace.' Local officials are struggling to keep up with the demand for 'energy healing' and 'sound baths,' with many complaining that the town is becoming 'too much' for their 'sensitive' selves.
Pescadero residents are up in arms over a new ordinance requiring daily chakra balancing, citing ' undue stress' and 'vibrational dissonance' on their 'sacred space.' The town's 'Vibronomist' has been brought in to 'balance the energies' of the community, but many are skeptical of the efficacy of this 'new-age' approach to urban planning.
Donald Trump advises first-time buyers to ask their property magnate dads for help, because why not?
In an effort to address the region's high rates of existential dread, OXXO has launched a new program providing free hot dogs and existential crisis counseling to customers.
Scientists have confirmed that the population of giant jackrabbits in Pescadero has exceeded all expectations, resulting in several minor infrastructural damage incidents and a 0.5% increase in property values.
In a bizarre trend observed in Todos Santos, backup generators have begun receiving regular invitations to parties hosted by wealthy expats, sparking concerns about the sustainability of this newfound social status.
In a move to address the region's persistent lack of change, the BCS Congress has introduced a bill proposing a 500-peso price cap on all goods and services, sparking heated debate among locals and expats alike.
In a stunning display of Baja California Sur's unique wildlife, a rare albino blue whale was spotted in Baja waters, only to be met with a mix of confusion and demands for Instagram-worthy photos from nearby tourists.
Australian ABC employees went on strike, leaving the network with nothing to complain about, and Sky News is now drama-free too.
In a bold move to boost customer satisfaction, OXXO has begun offering free Wi-Fi to customers who can articulate the existential purpose of the internet. The offer, which is only available during peak hours and at locations with reliable internet connectivity, has been met with widespread confusion and apathy among locals.
In a bizarre incident that has left the Baja California Sur community scratching its head, a group of gas delivery trucks found themselves trapped in an impromptu game of musical chairs, with the last truck to leave the scene winning the coveted title of 'Most Likely to Get Stuck on the Side of the Road for Days'.
In a shocking move that has left many questioning the state of their power bills, the Baja California Sur government has announced plans to phase out backup generators in favor of more environmentally friendly options. However, residents are left wondering what they will do when the inevitable CFE power outages return.
As the sun sets over the ocean at Pescadero, a heated debate has erupted among locals over who spotted the elusive 'Green Flash' first. While some claim to have seen the phenomenon, others are skeptical, leading to a full-blown argument that has left one resident in tears and another demanding a rematch.
In a bizarre incident that has left fans and family members stunned, actor Bichir has been found stuck in a tequila commercial, unable to escape the hypnotic grasp of the liquor's marketing campaign. Authorities are still trying to determine how the actor ended up in the commercial, but experts speculate it may be related to his well-documented love of mezcal.
The Pesky Toad is free and ad-light. If you find it useful, toss a few pesos in the tip jar to help keep the servers running and the satire flowing.
