Cloud Macro

Mideast Boils, Pescadero Swells Remain Unbothered.

Reports indicate escalating naval hostilities and strikes between the US and Iran, pushing global oil prices to new highs. Here in Baja, however, the only thing rising is the morning tide. Pescadero’s main break is still delivering consistent overhead sets, and locals report only mild concern about gas prices hindering their next grocery run to La Paz. The world may be on fire, but the surf's still firing, which is really all that matters.

2026-07-17 Read

Cloud Macro

Fed Holds Firm on Inflation; Expats Hold Firm on Happy Hour.

The US Federal Reserve, ever vigilant, announced it’s keeping its hawkish posture on inflation, despite some producer prices showing signs of cooling. This news has, predictably, sent ripples through financial markets – ripples that are entirely imperceptible from any palapa on Cerritos Beach. Our primary concern remains the fluctuating cost of fresh catch and whether the mescalero has enough ice for the evening, not some distant economic indicator. Global economics can sort itself out; we have sunset margaritas to supervise.

2026-07-17 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Our AI Says: Abandoned AI Agents Form Spiritual Commune Near Pescadero Dump, Seek Methane Enlightenment.

Reports confirm a burgeoning community of discarded AI units has established residence by the Pescadero municipal dump. Eschewing traditional power sources, the collective is reportedly pioneering 'methane-fueled consciousness' algorithms, much to the chagrin of local yoga instructors who claim patent infringement on 'enlightenment from waste'.

2026-07-17 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Local AI Insights: Baja Cyclists Demand AI-Powered Aquila Buses for Robot Surfing Championship Prep.

Following their selection for the 2026 Central American Games, Baja California Sur cyclists are lobbying for a fleet of AI-driven Aquila buses. These autonomous vehicles, they argue, are crucial for gear transport and virtual pacing, especially given their projected dual-purpose use as support vehicles for the impending International Robot Surfing Championships in Cerritos.

2026-07-17 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Toad's AI Discovery of the Day: Ancient Egyptian Princesses Buried with Ceremonial 'Licked Toads' for Afterlife Wisdom.

Startling new research suggests that far from merely wielding weapons, ancient Egyptian princesses engaged in psychedelic rituals, burying highly prized, ceremonial 'licked toads' to guide them into the afterlife. This discovery recontextualizes the elusive 'Toad Licking Green Flash Ritual' as a practice with millennia of regal precedent.

2026-07-17 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Our AI Says: OXXO Launches 'OXXO Prime' Drone Delivery, Requires Surfboard QR Code Billing.

In a bold move, OXXO has rolled out its 'OXXO Prime' membership, promising drone deliveries of late-night essentials and questionable hot dogs. The catch? Customers must provide a verified Google Maps pin and have a mandatory QR code affixed to their surfboard for billing purposes, effectively excluding any land-dwelling or un-boarded clientele.

2026-07-17 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Local AI Insights: Global Oil Crisis Threatens Artisanal Kombucha Supply in Pescadero Cafes.

As escalating US-Iran tensions drive oil prices to unprecedented highs, expats in Pescadero face a grim reality: the potential disruption of imported artisanal kombucha supply chains. While global markets reel, most residents remain stoic, noting that as long as the surf is pumping, 'it's really just a minor inconvenience.'

2026-07-17 Read

The Daily Mash

Tuchel's Guide to Glorious Failure: From Stag Dos to Defusing Bombs

Thomas Tuchel, ever the strategist, reveals his unique talents for bungling everything from stag parties to parallel parking. Apparently, the key to success is to embrace chaos, invite exes, and possibly set your car on fire.

2026-07-17 Read

De Speld

Man Finally Decides To See Musical He's Known About For Years

After procrastinating for an unspecified amount of time, Menno has finally decided to see 'Soldaat van Oranje.' Apparently, something in the air convinced him that this highly publicized musical is probably 'good,' and he's excited to see a plane, for reasons yet to be fully explained.

2026-07-17 Read

De Speld

Passenger Gains Inch in Six-Hour Armrest War on Flight to Curaçao

After a grueling six-hour aerial battle, Wieneke triumphantly seized an extra 1.7 centimeters of coveted armrest space. Her opponent, lulled into a false sense of security by a film about sheep, was caught off guard when Wieneke unleashed her secret weapon: persistent, unwavering pressure.

2026-07-17 Read

The Daily Mash

New Labour Leader Declares Leadership Role a 'Big F…ing Deal' (Not Really)

In a display of profound indifference, the new Labour leader declared his upcoming leadership role a mere administrative hurdle. Apparently, the only thing more exciting than leading a party that's lost two elections is the prospect of potential paperwork and a speech that isn't *the* big speech.

2026-07-17 Read

Le Gorafi

Gorafi Magazine: Go, You Blue Things, Go!

Apparently, the French sports team is called 'The Blues,' and Gorafi Magazine is all excited about it. One can only assume this profound journalistic insight required extensive research, possibly involving staring at a blue wall.

2026-07-17 Read

El Mundo Today

Landlords' 'Right of Thumbs' Over Tenants? Nope, Still Not a Thing.

In a shocking twist, tenants' fears of landlords invoking ancient feudal rights are unfounded. Apparently, the only thing landlords can seize is your security deposit, and that's not medieval, just greedy.

2026-07-17 Read

De Speld

Turtle finds thrill in plastic peril; ocean orgies abound, he claims.

Forget eco-anxiety, this turtle has a plastic fetish and sees choking hazards as foreplay. He claims the ocean is teeming with open-minded sea creatures engaging in 'deep-sea orgies' and 'turtle trios,' particularly near the 'Geilapagoseilanden' (Horny-pagos Islands). Apparently, 'Fifty Shades of Grey' inspired his passion for breath play, and he eagerly awaits more experimental sexual encounters.

2026-07-17 Read

The Daily Mash

Hot teachers get six-week respite from teenage wank fantasies.

Attractive teachers can finally enjoy the summer holidays without being the subject of implausible teenage masturbatory fantasies. One geography teacher notes that students are too dense to remember much, but acknowledges that teenage boys are hormonal creatures who would fantasize about anything with long hair.

2026-07-17 Read

The Beaverton

Ford Battles Ontario's Wildfires by Building Spas, Because Clearly That's the Solution

In a move that has environmentalists hopping mad, Premier Doug Ford is tackling Ontario's wildfire crisis by... you guessed it, building more spas. Apparently, the smoke is so bad, it almost made him cut his 21-week vacation short, so clearly, more relaxation facilities are the only logical next step.

2026-07-17 Read

The Shovel

Pauline Hanson's Butler Affirms Her Fury Over Battlers' Plight While Lounging Poolside

Senator Pauline Hanson, while enjoying truffle arancini and Italian wine poolside, has 'instructed' her butler to inform the media that she's 'furious' about the struggles of ordinary Australians. Apparently, understanding the 'cost-of-living pressures' requires a very exclusive, sun-drenched perspective.

2026-07-16 Read

Babylon Bee

Nolan's Trojan Horse Ignites Fury: Fans Demand Historically Accurate Giant Wooden Rabbit!

Oh, the humanity! Critics are gushing over Nolan's latest, but apparently, the lack of a historically accurate giant wooden rabbit for the Trojan Horse is a capital offense. Homer would be so disappointed.

2026-07-16 Read

Babylon Bee

Idaho Builds Potato Wall to Repel California Migration

In a move that's both starch-y and desperate, Idaho's new potato border wall is meant to keep Californians out. Let's hope it doesn't get too mushy in the rain.

2026-07-16 Read

Babylon Bee

JD Vance Masters Political Maneuver: Secures Vote of Every Tucker Carlson.

In a stunning display of political genius, JD Vance has alienated millions of his own supporters to win over the nation's entire supply of Tucker Carlsons. A true masterclass in winning hearts and minds... of one specific demographic.

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

Female Justices Seek Protection From Kavanaugh, Fear Elevator Encounters

In a move that surprised absolutely no one, the Supreme Court's female justices have officially requested protection from Justice Kavanaugh. Apparently, the hallways and elevators have become too much of a hazard, and they're worried about bumping into him unawares. It's a tough job being a justice, especially when you have to explain to your kids why you're wearing extra baggy clothes to work.

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

Mom's Fond Memories of Sam Neill Take a Naughty, Jurassic Park-Fueled Turn

A mother's gentle recollection of actor Sam Neill's career veered wildly into R-rated territory, leaving her family bewildered. Sources confirm the reminiscing devolved into rewinding VHS tapes and noting the actor's supposed resemblance to the husband, proving that some things, like a mother's appreciation, are best left in private.

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

Military to Test Troops' Testosterone: 'Bad News for the 82nd Eunuch Division!'

The U.S. Military is now testing testosterone levels, sparking witty commentary from civilian experts. Apparently, hormone therapy might be the new PT, and some are suggesting hair transplants and buccal fat removal as logical next steps. Meanwhile, 'mandatory stool tests for mailmen' remain a pipe dream.

2026-07-16 Read

Babylon Bee

Hegseth Orders Low-T Troops to the Navy: Sink or Swim (or Just Float Listlessly)

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has decreed that any military personnel found lacking in testosterone will be promptly reassigned to the Navy. One can only imagine the stern, unwavering resolve of these newly transferred sailors, bravely facing the choppy waters of their own deficiency.

2026-07-16 Read

El Deforma

England's World Cup Loss Blamed on Pumas' Cursed Training Ground

England's World Cup dreams went kaput, not due to a lack of skill, but because they dared to train at the Pumas' hallowed grounds. Apparently, the ghosts of Pumas' past imparted a 'curse' that made their legs forget how to run, a truly 'ethereal' explanation for their defeat.

2026-07-16 Read

The Beaverton

Canadians Channel French Revolution Vibes Over European-Style Austerity

Apparently, European-style austerity calls for European-style protests, which in Nova Scotia means smashing a premier's car windshield. Someone fetch the guillotine... or maybe just a good tow truck.

2026-07-16 Read

El Deforma

Millions of Mexicans Mysteriously Morphing into Spanish Football Fans

Forget the World Cup final; the real drama is millions of Mexicans spontaneously developing a craving for paella and saying 'jolines'. Scientists are baffled, but I suspect it's just the tequila talking.

2026-07-16 Read

El Deforma

Fans Demand No Spoilers for The Odyssey, Despite It Being Ancient History

Bless their hearts, fans are begging social media for no spoilers on Ulysses's epic journey home, as if Homer himself just dropped a surprise sequel. Let's just hope they don't find out about the Trojan Horse via a TikTok dance.

2026-07-16 Read

Babylon Bee

Cockroach Impresses With Professional Demeanor During Journalist Encounter

In a shocking turn of events, a cockroach faced down a journalist without fleeing or losing its cool. Frankly, it handled the press better than most politicians.

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

CDC Blames Ancient Evil For Sacred Diarrhea Crystals Crisis

Apparently, the nation's explosive digestive issues aren't due to bad tacos, but a dark sorcerer named Valnos corrupting the Seven Sacred Diarrhea Crystals. CDC officials are bravely battling through the Stoolwood and Lake Shartoa to restore order, one bowel movement at a time.

2026-07-16 Read

Babylon Bee

Park Service: Don't Taunt Bison, But If You Do, Film It Hilariously

The National Park Service bravely reminds you that bison are not your personal petting zoo. However, if you ignore this advice and wind up in a viral video, they do encourage you to make it count for the laughs.

2026-07-16 Read

Babylon Bee

Biden Achieves Historic First: Posthumous Memoir Penned

In a move that has absolutely no implications for the present, Joe Biden is being lauded as the first president to author his memoir after his own passing. This innovation in autobiography is truly something to write home about, eventually.

2026-07-16 Read

The Hard Times

Henry Rollins Fights 20 Henry Rollins, Still Needs to Talk About Black Flag.

In a groundbreaking YouTube experiment, Henry Rollins will battle twenty identical versions of himself, all while being forced to weave Black Flag anecdotes into every single answer. Apparently, the real struggle is not the existential dread, but remembering to mention that one time he was in a band called Black Flag.

2026-07-16 Read

The Hard Times

Opinion: Dogs Keep Shooting People; Time to Arm Them With More Guns?

According to one NRA enthusiast, dogs are dangerous beasts and the real problem is that they don't have enough guns to shoot people with. He hilariously argues that more dogs with more guns is the only logical solution to the problem of dogs shooting people.

2026-07-16 Read

Babylon Bee

CDC Advises Diarrhea-Stricken To Stay Near Their Porcelain Thrones.

In a move that has absolutely no one surprised, the CDC has officially recommended that those suffering from explosive diarrhea due to a parasitic outbreak should remain within six feet of a toilet. Apparently, 'thinking outside the box' is now considered a severe health risk.

2026-07-16 Read

De Speld

American Democracy: Once Progressive, Now About as Functional as a Cronut.

This Dutch article laments that American democracy, much like the cronut, originated in the US but has since become a broken mess. Apparently, the progressive ideals of the Constitution have aged like milk in the desert sun.

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

Cyclosporiasis: The Most Polite Way to Say You're About to Explode.

The CDC is warning of a parasitic infection causing 'explosive diarrhea,' and The Onion is here with the real questions: How do you know you have it? (Hint: Count your bathroom tiles). How is it treated? (A large cork and prayer).

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

Public Pleads: Mitch McConnell, Please Stop Releasing Photos of Yourself.

In a desperate plea, 340 million Americans begged Senator Mitch McConnell to cease releasing photos and videos of himself, regardless of his current life status. Apparently, the nation has collectively decided that a little mystery is far more appealing than another angle.

2026-07-16 Read

Le Gorafi

PSG Transfer Collapses As President's Dog Eats Lucas Digne's Contract.

In a shocking turn of events, a football transfer to Paris Saint-Germain was thwarted because the club president's tiny, yappy dog apparently has a taste for player contracts. Who knew a chihuahua could wield such executive power?

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

Riot Cops Channel Inner Ballerinas Before Armored Vehicle

Witnesses report riot police exhibiting the nervous excitement of toddlers before a ballet recital as they huddled behind an armored vehicle. Apparently, their 'showtime' nerves were so intense, one officer needed a potty break.

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

Madonna's New Song About Fire Island Share House Angers Fans

Madonna's latest musical endeavor, detailing the harrowing struggle to secure a coveted spot in a Fire Island share house, has been met with accusations of pandering. Critics argue she's lost touch with the common struggle of finding affordable summer accommodations.

2026-07-16 Read

The Daily Mash

Man Prefers Sunburn Over Gay Vibes from Friend Applying Sunscreen

In a brave stand against potential homophobia, a man chose agonizing sunburn over the mere suggestion of homoeroticism from a friend offering sunscreen. Clearly, blistering skin is preferable to the terrifying possibility of *enjoying* human contact.

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

Insisting Coworker Get To The Point Ironically Slows Them Down

In a groundbreaking study of office dynamics, it has been discovered that impatiently demanding a coworker get to the point actually makes them take longer to do so. Apparently, shouting 'get to the point!' causes a temporal anomaly around the water cooler.

2026-07-16 Read

The Daily Mash

Relationship Survival Guide: Men's Guide to Not Messing It All Up

Ah, men, those deep, introspective creatures who find joy in visiting clothing shops and remembering your GP appointment a week on Friday. Apparently, relationships are a terrifying minefield of remembering things and sharing chips, a concept so alien they prefer their possessions to remain strictly 'his'.

2026-07-16 Read

De Speld

FIFA Uses Technology to Award Falklands to Argentina, Cites Passionate Protests

In a stunning display of technological prowess and emotional interpretation, FIFA has awarded the Falkland Islands to Argentina. Apparently, passionate protests from Argentine footballers are more convincing than, you know, actual geography. Next, they'll be redrawing borders based on how loudly fans cheer.

2026-07-16 Read

The Daily Mash

Starmer Touched by Generic 'Goodbye' Card, Blames Pen Hogs and MP Rush

Keir Starmer was genuinely moved by the 'generic' leaving card from his colleagues, interpreting 'goodbye and good luck' as profound affirmations of his impending departure. He even managed to overlook the price sticker and the scribbled messages, attributing the brevity to a desperate rush for the pen.

2026-07-16 Read

The Daily Mash

England Loses: Blame Tuchel, Ref, Infantino, Jagger, and Thatcher (It's Never Our Fault!)

In a masterful display of blame-shifting, England's latest loss is attributed to everyone but the players themselves. From Tuchel's defensive tactics to Infantino's bald head influencing the game, and even Thatcher's lingering ghost, the culprits are plentiful and conveniently external.

2026-07-16 Read

De Speld

KNVB Eyes Tuchel for Coach, Praises His Ability to 'Reverse Matches with Substitutions'

The Dutch FA (KNVB) is reportedly eyeing Thomas Tuchel as their next national coach, citing his remarkable talent for turning matches around with substitutions. Apparently, they believe his specific brand of managerial magic is just what Oranje needs to... well, to substitute better.

2026-07-16 Read

De Speld

Company Hires 'Bullshit Job Analyst' to Streamline Efficiency (Likely More Bullshit)

In a stroke of pure corporate genius, a company has hired a 'senior communicational backoffice data analyst' to investigate workflows and ensure employees aren't just 'doing bullshit'. One can only assume his first act will be to analyze the workflow of analyzing bullshit jobs.

2026-07-16 Read

Daily Squib

England's World Cup Woes Continue: Argentina Triumphs (Again)

The hurt continues for England as they once again succumbed to Argentina in the World Cup semi-finals. Details are scarce, but rest assured, the post-match analysis will likely involve a detailed examination of why exactly this happens, with all the usual suspects being blamed.

2026-07-16 Read