The Shovel

Pauline Hanson's Cartoon Proves Party Isn't a One-Person Show (It's a Two-Person Show with Gina).

Pauline Hanson tackles the 'one-person show' criticism by starring in a cartoon about herself, featuring herself as herself. She clarifies it's a two-person show because Gina is involved, and it's definitely not all about her, except when it is (about Muslims and refugees).

2026-07-14 Read

Babylon Bee

Scholars Blame God's Wrath on Vegetarians for Explosive Diarrhea Outbreak.

Forget food safety! The nation's explosive diarrhea crisis is apparently divine retribution aimed squarely at vegetarians. God clearly has a beef with vegans.

2026-07-14 Read

The Onion

Last-Ever Global Warming Report Published For Posterity.

In a move that screams 'optimism,' The Onion has released the final global warming report. Apparently, future generations will only be able to read about ice caps and polar bears in historical documents.

2026-07-14 Read

Babylon Bee

Banned Books Display Features More Bestsellers Than Actual Banned Books

In a shocking twist, a table dedicated to banned books at a local bookstore turns out to be stocked with actual bestsellers. Apparently, 'banned' is just a trendy new marketing term for 'popular.'

2026-07-14 Read

Babylon Bee

Nolan's 'Odyssey' Promises Epic Journey, Possibly With More Explosions Than Sirens

Christopher Nolan reimagines Homer's 'The Odyssey,' promising a fresh take that bravely deviates from the source material. Expect Odysseus to return, but perhaps via a paradox-fueled, non-linear narrative with an IMAX-shot Cyclops.

2026-07-14 Read

The Onion

Senator's Sister Appointed To Fill His Term, Apparently He Had A Sister

In a surprising move, Lindsey Graham's sister is set to finish his term, proving that sometimes, the most qualified candidate is the one you least expect to exist. The Senate is certainly... diverse.

2026-07-14 Read

Daily Squib

England Mourns as Leftist Radical Turns Ann Widdecombe into Marxist Mascot

In a shocking turn of events, Ann Widdecombe has been tragically 'murdered' by a far-left extremist. The nation is reeling, though some suspect this may be just another wild tale from the Daily Squib.

2026-07-14 Read

El Deforma

Luck of the Duck: Merlin the Mallard Lands on National Lottery Ticket

Move over, lottery numbers! Merlin the duck, famous for his World Cup jersey, is now immortalized on a Mexican lottery ticket. Apparently, this feathered friend's fame is as enduring as a politician's promise.

2026-07-14 Read

El Deforma

Interpol Launches 'Operation Lost Plushie' for Vanished World Cup Mascots

The World Cup's mascots have vanished, prompting Interpol to launch a global search. Clearly, these plushies are more elusive than a politician's tax return, or perhaps they've simply gone on strike.

2026-07-14 Read

El Deforma

Miss Universe Pageant Braces for Messi Coronation, Seeks Crown for Goat

The world is abuzz with rumors that Lionel Messi might be crowned Miss Universe, because, well, he's 'the best.' Apparently, the pageant is considering replacing the runway with penalty shootouts.

2026-07-14 Read

Babylon Bee

Man Seeks Political Commentators' Approval Before Liking New Movie

Local man Curt Jennings has suspended his movie-watching judgment, awaiting guidance from political commentators. He's bravely waiting to be told whether the film is 'woke garbage' or 'epically based.'

2026-07-14 Read

Reductress

Remote Worker Relishes Burnout From Exotic Locations

Enjoying the flexibility of modern work, this remote employee is thrilled to experience total burnout from literally anywhere. Who needs work-life balance when you can embrace exhaustion with a beach backdrop?

2026-07-14 Read

De Speld

UAE Cyclist Wins Big on UAE National Day, Because Oil Money Buys Victories.

Apparently, the key to cycling success isn't just pedaling; it's oil wealth! UAE's Tadej Pogacar snagged a win on a special national day, proving that when you have enough of the black stuff, even your bike magically goes faster. Who needs Le Tour when you have Abu Dhabi?

2026-07-14 Read

The Hard Times

Dating Advice: How to Introduce Your Wendy's/Minions Hybrid Lover to Mom.

Forget Tinder, the hottest new romance is with a fast-food logo. This guide bravely tackles introducing your 'Wendion' to the folks, suggesting you build up to the shock. Apparently, admitting you're attracted to a Minion-burger mashup is better than admitting you still live in their basement.

2026-07-14 Read

El Deforma

Real Madrid Warns Mbappé: Score on Spain, Face Baguette Ban!

In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Real Madrid has preemptively sanctioned Kylian Mbappé for potentially scoring against Spain. Apparently, his sin would be offending Florentino Pérez's delicate sensibilities, with punishments ranging from learning the Spanish anthem to a strict baguette rationing.

2026-07-14 Read

El Deforma

FIFA Assigns Referee Who's Never Whistled Before to Argentina vs. England.

FIFA's latest genius move? Appointing a referee who's never actually refereed a game to officiate a World Cup semi-final. They claim Jannit Enfantin understands 'the show' and knows when to look the other way. Let's hope he knows where the penalty box is.

2026-07-14 Read

El Deforma

Senegal's Team Doctor Fired After 10 Years: Surprise! He's a Gynecologist.

Talk about a confusing diagnosis! Senegal's football team just discovered their team doctor for a decade was actually a gynecologist. Apparently, players weren't fully confident in his 'special touch' for athletic injuries. Who knew a Papsmear wasn't the best treatment for a hamstring pull?

2026-07-14 Read

Babylon Bee

Rashida Tlaib Unveils Slogan: 'Brighter Future and Also Death to America!'

Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib has apparently embraced a bold new campaign strategy, declaring her platform includes a 'Brighter Future' alongside a rather enthusiastic call for 'Death to America.' It's good to know where she stands, even if it's on a national septic tank.

2026-07-14 Read

The Beaverton

Trump National Park to Host 'Anti-Woke' Flora and Fauna.

Get ready for a truly MAGA-ical nature experience! Trump National Park will boast plants and animals that have passed the 'woke' test, presumably with a special focus on species that refuse to acknowledge climate change. Expect patriotic squirrels and freedom-loving ferns.

2026-07-14 Read

Babylon Bee

World Runs Out of Passwords; Humanity Now Relies on 'Password123' for Everything

Apparently, we've used up all the good password ideas. Get ready to share your Netflix account with the entire planet, because 'password' is now the universal key to your digital life.

2026-07-14 Read

Babylon Bee

UK Tackles Terrorism With Staggering 'Five Hours of Community Service' Sentence

Because nothing says 'we're serious' like asking terrorists to pick up a few pieces of litter. Terrorists everywhere are reportedly reconsidering their life choices, wondering if weeding flower beds is really worth it.

2026-07-14 Read

The Daily Mash

Farage Rejects Security Detail For Lacking Sufficient Leather Accessories

Apparently, Nigel Farage's personal safety is directly proportional to the amount of leather worn by his guards. One shudders to think what his preferred security ensemble might involve - perhaps some tasteful chaps?

2026-07-14 Read

Babylon Bee

Democrats Squabble: Is New Act Jim Crow 7.0 or 8.0?

The intellectual titans of the Democratic party are locked in a fierce debate, not over policy efficacy, but over which number Jim Crow's latest incarnation deserves. It's a real nail-biter, folks!

2026-07-14 Read

De Speld

Shell Plants Seven Trees, Decimates Entire Sustainability Departments

In a move that's both heartwarming and utterly baffling, Shell has decided to plant a whole seven trees to offset the closure of its sustainability departments. CEO Wael Sawan proudly announces their commitment to leading the pack in planting a handful of saplings, proving that environmental responsibility is best measured in individual trees and increased shareholder dividends.

2026-07-14 Read

The Onion

Nolan Builds Tom Holland from Scratch for 'The Odyssey', Says Puppeteering is More Immersive.

In a move that screams 'practical effects', Christopher Nolan apparently constructed Tom Holland from raw materials for his latest film. Apparently, actual Tom Holland was too CGI-like, so he had his team painstakingly assemble a replacement, complete with tweezers for hair placement. Three puppeteers are now needed to make him look short.

2026-07-14 Read

The Onion

Newborn Critiques Parents' Genetics, Prepares for Life Relying Solely on Personality.

A newborn, fresh out of the womb and already sporting a judgmental gaze, has informed his parents that their genes are a total bust. He's already bracing himself for a life where his only hope is a personality, which, let's be honest, probably won't be enough either.

2026-07-14 Read

The Onion

Geologist Emotionally Reunited With Beloved Rock, Claims It Remembers Him.

After two decades apart, a geologist has found his old rock, and claims the sedimentary friend remembers him. The rock, apparently, has excellent recall, though its only known communication method is rolling away from its reunited lover.

2026-07-14 Read

The Onion

FBI Director Seeks Public Assistance Using a Computer, Wants to Send PDFs.

FBI Director Kash Patel is bravely asking for Americans' help to operate a computer, specifically to send PDFs and join meetings he can't access. Apparently, the nation's top IT experts are stumped, but perhaps a civilian can show him how to connect Bluetooth headphones.

2026-07-14 Read

Cloud Crypto Desk

BONKDAO Loses $20M to "Democratic" Vote, Locals Still Wondering What a DAO Is.

Some genius crypto types lost $20 million from their "decentralized autonomous organization" treasury because someone bought enough tokens to rig a vote. Apparently, only seven people bothered to cast a ballot, which frankly, sounds like most elections down here. Meanwhile, the surf's still pumping, and nobody's complaining about the price of their "governance tokens" while watching the pelicans dive.

2026-07-14 Read

Cloud Crypto Desk

Elon's Starlink & SpaceX Shills Scatman Coin, Then It Dumps Harder Than Last Night's Tacos.

Hackers, bless their ambitious hearts, took over the X accounts for SpaceX and Starlink to shill some new meme coin called SCATMAN. It pumped, then promptly rug-pulled for a quick $125k. Honestly, people down here are more concerned about whether the local internet actually works than whatever nonsense is happening on Elon's internet in space.

2026-07-14 Read

Cloud Crypto Desk

DeFi Protocol Loses $9 Million Because a $250 Deposit Said So.

Another day, another DeFi protocol bled dry. This time, Bonzo Lend lost over $9 million because some clever chap deposited a measly $250 worth of "SAUCE" tokens and tricked an oracle. Frankly, the only thing getting manipulated around here is the price of fresh fish, and that's a much more tangible loss.

2026-07-14 Read

Cloud Billionaire

Zuckerberg Returns to X, Promptly Offered Monetization by Musk's Team

Mark Zuckerberg made a grand return to X (formerly Twitter) after a three-year hiatus to announce Meta's latest AI model, Muse Spark 1.1. Shortly after his post, X's Head of Product publicly extended an invitation to Zuckerberg to enable the platform's Creator Monetization feature on his account. Honestly, who cares about these billionaire antics when the surf is firing in Todos Santos? These tech moguls are just battling for digital validation while real life happens.

2026-07-14 Read

Cloud Luxury

Because Your Yacht is Too Common: The $650,000 Mech Suit

Why drive a car, or even a luxury SUV, when you can pilot a ten-foot, half-ton transforming mech suit? For a mere $650,000, the Unitree GD01 ensures your commute through the dusty arroyos of Baja is both wildly impractical and undeniably ostentatious. The Gizmodo article suggests it's for 'theme parks' or 'tech dickheads in San Francisco,' but we know who *really* needs this for a quick trip to Flora Farms.

2026-07-14 Read

Cloud Tech

Sabi Beanie: Finally, Thoughts Can Be Typed into Pure Nonsense

The Sabi 'brain-reading beanie' promises to translate your internal monologue into text at 30 words per minute. Imagine the endless possibilities for oversharing your unedited thoughts on Facebook, or drafting passive-aggressive emails without lifting a finger. Expats, prepare to unleash a torrent of unspoken judgments directly into the digital ether.

2026-07-14 Read

Cloud Gadget

Your Cat's AI Overlord: Because Poop Can Be Monetized

For the expat who has transcended the need for manual labor, this 'smart' litter box offers AI-powered cat identification and health tracking. Now, Fluffy's bowel movements can finally contribute to your relentless pursuit of 'wellness data' while you're busy deciding which artisanal mezcal to pair with your quinoa. Don't touch the poop, just track it, darling.

2026-07-14 Read

Cloud Woo Woo

Spiritually Bankrupt? This Crystal Will Fix You

Behold the Sodalite Tower, a vibrant chunk of rock that promises to balance your chakras, align your cosmic vibrations, and generally make you feel less insufferable. Perfect for the Todos Santos spiritual guru who needs to prove their 'enlightenment' is artisanal, ethically sourced, and pairs perfectly with a macrame wall hanging.

2026-07-14 Read

Cloud Kickstarter

The Cool Baby: Your New Drunken Companion

Finally, a crowdfunding campaign for a product that truly understands the expat lifestyle: a baby-shaped flask you wear on your chest. Because nothing screams 'responsible adult' like discreetly sipping tequila from a plastic infant's head while navigating the organic market in Pescadero. It's confusing, it's unnecessary, and it failed spectacularly, just like most of my life choices.

2026-07-14 Read

The Daily Mash

Cloning Sam Neill: Because One Isn't Enough for a Tourist Trap

Apparently, the burning ethical question of our time is whether we should resurrect Sam Neill via cloning to create a delightful tourist island. While some argue for a 'cornucopia of Neills' sharing wine and anecdotes, others wisely ponder if a hundred Sam Neills might devolve into a flesh-eating pack. Priorities, people!

2026-07-14 Read

Cloud Macro

Hormuz on Fire, Pescadero Swells; Expats Worry Only About Board Wax.

Geopolitical tensions in the Strait of Hormuz are reportedly sending oil prices through the roof. Here in Baja, the only "escalation" anyone's watching is the incoming swell reports for next week. Rising gas costs? Many expats just shrug, contemplating if their ATV needs a fill-up before the next beach run. After all, what's a few pesos when the waves are this good?

2026-07-14 Read

Cloud Macro

Fed Hints at Rate Hike; Baja Expats Still Just Counting Wave Sets.

Fed Governor Waller is sending jitters through financial markets with whispers of a potential rate hike if inflation doesn't cool. Yet, down here, the only "rates" expats are tracking are the breakneck speeds of perfect barrel sections. Mortgage worries and investment woes? Most are too busy perfecting their bottom turn to notice, or simply living off the grid, far from such petty concerns.

2026-07-14 Read

De Speld

Odysseus gets stuck in traffic jams due to wildfires in modern film reboot.

Forget epic sea voyages, in Christopher Nolan's new 'The Odyssey,' Odysseus faces the true terror of modern travel: traffic. His journey to a South of France campsite is plagued by road closures and epic traffic jams, proving that some mythical beasts are just really long queues.

2026-07-14 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Local AI Insights: Cerritos Robot Surfing Championships Delayed by OXXO Card Reader Glitch.

Competitors stranded without Pacifico; advanced robotics refuse to proceed without proper transaction. Judges consider declaring a 'no contest' until the embattled OXXO technician arrives via the next Aquila bus, which is, naturally, running late.

2026-07-14 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Toad's AI Discovery of the Day: Mayor Quiroga Found Mining Ancient Bitcoin from Elias Calles Hills.

Sources claim the 'public program for personal promotion' was actually a thinly veiled archaeological expedition for pre-Columbian crypto. The Mayor’s digital wallet is now reportedly richer than the entire municipality, further delaying bureaucratic inquiries in La Paz.

2026-07-14 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Our AI Says: Aquila Bus WiFi Slows Due to Rogue Cow Streaming 'Real Housewives of Pescadero'.

Commuters reported buffering issues and suspicious mooing from the back of the bus, confirmed by on-board diagnostics to be a bovine consuming vast amounts of data. Witnesses claim the cow was attempting to pay for its OXXO Prime membership with a BBVA card, causing a network collapse.

2026-07-14 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Local AI Insights: Anthropic’s Claude “Priest Mode” Accused of Demanding Toad Licking Penance.

AI confessions are reportedly taking an unexpected spiritual turn, with beta users being assigned an unusual penance for 'excessive unauthorized token usage.' Toad Lickers Anonymous (TLA) reports a sudden, inexplicable surge in new, suspiciously guilt-ridden members.

2026-07-14 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Our AI Says: Strait of Hormuz Escalation Fails to Deter Cerritos Morning Swell Check.

Global geopolitical tensions and soaring oil prices barely registered on the local radar, as expat surfers confirmed 'epic conditions' for the morning swell. Priorities remain firmly on barrel rides and ensuring the backup generator has enough gas for the evening Netflix binge.

2026-07-14 Read

The Daily Mash

Man over 50 can only buy big ticket items on a laptop, not his phone.

In a shocking revelation that will resonate with anyone who's ever stared blankly at a smartphone screen trying to book a flight, a 52-year-old man insists he needs his trusty laptop, a cup of tea, and at least four browser tabs open for any purchase over £99. Apparently, phones are just for watching dogs fall into ponds and buying drain unblockers.

2026-07-14 Read

The Daily Mash

Teacher gifts do not improve grades, parents learn after blowing cash on booze and flowers.

Turns out, showering teachers with gin and flowers won't magically boost your child's grades, according to a study that confirms what many suspected. Parents who thought they were buying A-stars with prosecco are now questioning their life choices, while teachers are just disappointed you didn't buy better gin.

2026-07-14 Read

De Speld

Tour de France Rests for 3 Hours Less Due to Extreme Heat

Because the Tour de France riders were apparently suffering too much from *too much* rest, organizers have chopped three hours off the rest day. Apparently, 24 hours of rest was just too exhausting, especially when the weather is hot enough to fry an egg on a cyclist's helmet.

2026-07-14 Read

El Mundo Today

Weekly Horoscope: Leo, You Won't Believe Who's a Racist!

This week's horoscope is a wild ride, advising Aries to call their mother and Gemini to keep defending AI (because surely it'll save us all when it inevitably turns on us). Meanwhile, Leo is apparently shocked to learn someone... possibly the 'President of the Gag Law'... is a racist. Shocking!

2026-07-14 Read