Page 93 of our collection of absurdities.
Real Housewife Kyle Richards asserts her dominance over a rival show by circling the set like a shark, presumably to remind everyone California, and good reality TV, belongs to her. The Mormon wives apparently retreated to Orange County, only to be peed on by Tamra Judge.
The Onion hilariously breaks down the Iran conflict with numbers like '19-ish missiles' and '8.6 million schoolchildren remaining in Iranian stockpiles.' Because nothing says serious geopolitical analysis like dark humor and cruise ship mine discoveries.
Americans are apparently obsessed with enormous, bland, freezer-burned blackberries and are begging companies to keep producing them, even at inflated prices. Who needs taste when you can have a frosty, golf-ball-sized disappointment?
Aston Villa's manager Unai Emery is somehow being blamed for qualifying for the Champions League, a move that has apparently cost them an easy Europa League win. Players are being told to 'turn disappointment into positive energy' about playing in Europe's top competition, because winning the Europa League was clearly the real goal.
A Spanish politician is bravely promising to lead the nation to 'complete emancipation from capitalist elites' in a mere 18 months. Apparently, all it takes is a bit of left-wing talk and a lot of lofty promises, because who needs practical solutions when you have revolutionary rhetoric?
The Spanish Socialist Party has been hilariously duped for years by an imposter masquerading as 'Mister Bean.' One has to wonder if the party's decision-making process was as shaky as Mr. Bean's walking, or if they just really love a good laugh, even at their own expense.
The Dutch government is positively incandescent that Israel tied up some activists. Apparently, this kind of thing is *only* for Palestinians, and Rob Jetten is *furious* they weren't treated to the standard West Bank or Gaza welcome.
After a mere century and a half, Barcelona's Sagrada Familia has finally erected its scaffolding, the true artistic marvel. The mayor proudly unveiled the 'temporary' structure, a testament to Gaudí's genius and perhaps, humanity's patience.
Ladies, if you're tired of a man who calls your dog 'our baby' for six months, just utter the forbidden phrase: 'What are we?'. Prepare for existential dread, promises of 'space,' and a sudden interest in joining the French Foreign Legion.
Nathan Muir is aghast that Martin Bishop, despite his own grey hairs and sensible shirts, believes they are contemporaries. Apparently, Muir's subtle 'flecks of grey' in his 50s don't qualify him for the 'over-the-hill' club.
In a shocking display of logic, the 'Party Against Citizens' has decided that since burgers (hamburgers) can't exist without nature, they must eliminate nature to save burgers. Scientists are baffled, but politicians are busy paving over paradise.
A seagull, apparently a spokesperson for the avian proletariat, claims its well-aimed droppings on the King were a multi-layered critique of global capitalism and hereditary monarchy. It seems the chips weren't shared equitably, and a royal visit to Northern Ireland was simply the last straw.
In a major update, the Big Guy upstairs has finally listened to our complaints and will now allow souls to fast-forward through their boring life moments before death. Apparently, fifty years of uneventful existence is too much for even the most patient departed, so now you can speed-run your memories like a TikTok video. Premium options include commentary from sports announcers or a Hans Zimmer soundtrack.
Australia's Foreign Affairs Minister Penny Wong has taken an unprecedentedly strong stance against Israeli actions by omitting the polite 'hope you're well' from an email. Insiders suggest this diplomatic snub, along with offering instant coffee instead of a latte to the Israeli ambassador, could escalate tensions. The world watches with bated breath.
A job seeker has revealed the sheer horror of writing cover letters, confessing that the corporate buzzwords make him feel like a 'snivelling maggot'. He's so disgusted by his own 'proactive self-starter' prose that he fears his family might disown him if they ever read it. Meanwhile, employers won't even read the application.
A weary kindergarten teacher has accidentally revealed her true feelings about her job, admitting the kids are incoherent and her dates are disappointing. She confesses to faking enthusiasm with exclamation points and dreads singing 'Finger Family' one more time. Apparently, adulting and bills just aren't as fun as they seem.
Apparently, the minds behind reality TV are so devoid of common sense that no idea is too appalling to consider. From naked dating shows to transphobic pranks and experiments designed to incite violence, it seems the only criteria for a show is 'will anyone get hurt or humiliated?' Because if not, where's the fun?
In a groundbreaking study, sociologists have discovered that Van Halen's iconic 'Hot for Teacher' music video falls short on several Common Core Education Standards. Apparently, bikinis and rock anthems aren't the best tools for teaching textual evidence or coherent writing.
Who needs romance when you have digestive distress? Sociologists have confirmed that a midday coffee date is the ideal first outing for those who enjoy public panic attacks and frequent bathroom breaks. Because nothing says 'I love you' like a shared existential crisis over a latte.
In a move that surprised absolutely no one who's ever met a baby, new parents Felicity and Ivan have enthusiastically embraced their newest venture: an 18-year, $300,000 investment with a guaranteed abysmal return. They're calling it 'Jody,' and experts predict it'll drain their resources faster than a tourist during high season.
Hundreds of luxury yachts gathered to protest new taxes, claiming the changes will force 'ordinary Australians' into unbearable hardship. Their suffering? Potentially downgrading from imported marble to local stone or letting go of a secondary financial advisor.
In a stunning display of political desperation, lawmakers are reportedly shelling out up to a million dollars to Tucker Carlson, not for his endorsement, but to *not* receive it. Apparently, his seal of approval has become the kiss of death for political careers.
A Gen Z individual has allegedly met their untimely end, not by a rare disease or a tragic accident, but by the sheer inconvenience of a DoorDash driver experiencing a flat tire. Apparently, the ancient art of foraging for snacks or, you know, cooking, is a lost cause for this generation.
Forget pesky layovers, Chihuahua's new flight to NYC is tailor-made for federal agents needing swift transit. They can finally transport those official vehicle stickers without the indignity of lost luggage or awkward encounters.
In a desperate plea, Morena is begging Sergio Mayer not to leave, citing his irreplaceable contributions to legislative memes and Spotify playlists. Mayer, ever the pragmatist, has declared his departure 'irrevocable,' leaving the party in collective hysteria.
The unfinished Texcoco airport is being repurposed into a 'Perfect Day' theme park, proving that even abandoned mega-projects can find new life as water parks. Officials are thrilled, noting the runways are perfect for giant pools and the control tower ideal for slides.
Forget the World Cup, Mexican finals are where it's at, with Pumas vs. Cruz Azul tickets fetching up to 200,000 pesos. Apparently, the real sport is not playing the game, but scalping tickets for it.
In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court will finally settle the age-old sibling dispute: who gets dibs on the front seat. Experts predict this will set a precedent for all future family road trips.
British authorities are urging citizens to take a novel approach to crime prevention: stop being stabbed by Muslims. This groundbreaking advice promises to simplify law enforcement by shifting the burden entirely onto potential victims.
Faced with a word count shortage, the Apostle John employed a revolutionary tactic: extra-wide margins and a 22-point font. Apparently, divine inspiration sometimes requires a bit of digital typesetting.
Thomas Massie, a man so libertarian he might spontaneously combust, has finally earned his stripes. Turns out, true freedom isn't found in policy, but in the sweet, sweet liberation of unemployment.
In a move that surprised absolutely no one with a working knowledge of blame-deflection, Representative Thomas Massie has pointed his finger at the Jewish community of rural Kentucky for his recent primary loss. Apparently, the latkes were just too powerful.
Apparently, the Brits have absolutely no clue how to handle a little sunshine. One can only imagine the chaos as they grapple with the radical concept of... shade. Perhaps they should consult a local amphibian for survival tips.
Former King Juan Carlos I, surprisingly concerned, has declared Zapatero's legal woes a 'tremendous disappointment' and 'a load of crap'. One can only imagine the royal sighs from his exile.
The Dutch railway system is taking 'cutting-edge' security measures by implementing a guillotine to deal with fare-dodgers. Passengers can rest assured that their commutes will be significantly safer, especially if they happen to be missing their heads.
In a shocking twist, Disneyland's beloved Goofy has reportedly been euthanized after a gruesome attack on a 6-year-old boy. Apparently, the character mistook fan excitement for aggression and decided to go full 'wild animal,' leaving Disney scrambling to explain why Mickey doesn't have the same issues.
The Veterans of Foreign Wars is baffled why younger veterans aren't flocking to join their ranks, despite their recruitment strategy focusing on telling them their wars don't count and that women shouldn't be allowed. Apparently, being 'built resilient' means enduring insults until you're too exhausted to sign up.
World-renowned climber Alex Honnold experienced a terrifying ordeal this week, not on El Capitan, but on his kitchen step ladder while reaching for cookies. His harrowing 'free solo' ascent to the top of the cupboard nearly ended in disaster, proving that even the bravest are terrified of mild elevation gain.
In a display of profound strategic thinking, Rawlings has donated 50,000 baseball gloves to Ukraine, presumably to help them field ground balls while dodging artillery. Apparently, the biggest crisis facing the nation is a shortage of outfielders, not existential threat.
A recent study reveals that Gen Z adults are abandoning independence and moving back home, not for financial reasons, but for superior access to Triscuits. Apparently, the allure of perfectly toasted, woven crackers trumps rent and personal space for today's youth.
In a tale of profound existential disparity, a local squirrel remains blissfully unaware that he's embroiled in a bitter, months-long feud with a homeowner. Meanwhile, the homeowner likely spends his days plotting acorn-related revenge, while the squirrel just wants to bury nuts.
A Dutchman was reportedly denied entry to a refugee center in Ter Apel, not because he lacked papers, but because he was *too* Dutch. Apparently, asylum seekers get VIP treatment while citizens are told to sleep in crowded rooms or perhaps emigrate to Hungary.
In a shocking display of support for ex-president Zapatero, dozens of Spanish celebrities have shaved off their eyebrows. One can only assume they're trying to look as clueless as the political system itself.
Forget Mensa, this hamster has achieved 'high capabilities' according to its doting owners, who cite its impressive wheel-running speed and a gaze they describe as 'mature.' Move over Einstein, there's a new genius in town, and it runs on a wheel.
According to one proud Mancunian, 'Manchesterism' involves a strict diet of pints and chips, embracing relentless rain, and an almost religious hatred for anyone from Liverpool. Basically, it's a way of life that sounds suspiciously like a hangover.
Apparently, the Prime Minister, AKA 'DJ Albo,' has a secret superpower: losing his cool whenever a woman dares to question his questionable actions. His 'chill guy persona' vanishes faster than a free margarita at happy hour, proving that even world leaders struggle with constructive criticism from the ladies.
The BBC brilliantly checks off its diversity quota by hiring Josh Widdicombe for Strictly, covering 'Hobbit,' 'Zippy-voiced,' and the ever-elusive 'straight white male' categories. Prepare for your parents to fume and ratings to soar as this unique casting choice angers the masses.
In a plot twist that would make James Bond blush, a Southampton spy was actually a Middlesbrough mole aiming for play-off glory via espionage. Apparently, parmos and cheap oil were better bribes than anything the South Coast could offer, ensuring Southampton's downfall and Middlesbrough's unlikely path to the Premier League.
Struggling to entice youth with its briny charm, the herring is getting a makeover: doused in sugar, smashed into burgers, vaped for maximum addiction, and rebranded with trendy global names. Because if it's not matcha-flavored or street food-fusion, what's the point?
The Church of England has helpfully clarified that self-pleasure is only a sin if you're attractive. Apparently, God's okay with lonely, unattractive folks getting their freak on, but if you're a ten and doing it solo, you're headed for hell. Share the love, hotties!
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