Page 25 of our collection of absurdities.
Jill Biden is out here promoting her book and casually mentioning how her husband's advanced age totally didn't get in the way of her own presidential duties. Glad she cleared that up!
Kendrick Perkins has started a sentence with 'Victens Wemponyaga,' which is certainly a choice. We can only assume the rest of the sentence will be equally profound and grammatically sound.
After a fierce celebration of PSG's victory, a fan fell into a coma and woke up with a distinct Marseille accent. Doctors are baffled, but the fan insists he's just 'tarpin empégué', leaving his friends utterly confused and likely questioning their loyalty.
Three hooded individuals, potentially Spain's Prime Minister, his wife, and brother, stormed a Madrid mall with firearms to rob a jewelry store. Witnesses can't rule out the possibility that the perpetrators were, in fact, the country's top politicians.
The US boasts the world's largest army, surpassing even China and Russia, yet somehow finds no reason to invade Belgium. Perhaps they are intimidated by the waffles, or maybe, just maybe, they prefer peace.
Dutch defender Denzel Dumfries is reportedly over the moon about his move to Real Madrid, claiming it's a lifelong dream. Apparently, Los Blancos are signing anyone with a pulse and a vaguely transferable skillset.
Total has unveiled a brilliant plan to bypass the Strait of Hormuz: just dump the oil directly into the ocean and collect it later. They assure us marine life is safe because fish can't swim in oil and birds' feathers are waterproof.
Seven Marines are dead and over 130 hospitalized after a batch of 'nicotine-infused' crayons led to 'catastrophic decision-making.' Apparently, the grape flavor was just too enticing, proving that some battles are best left unfought.
Members of the Heaven's Gate cult are reportedly having a blast celebrating their 29th year in the 'highest plane of existence' after their mass suicide. They're enjoying their incorruptible alien bodies and recommend the phenobarbital-laced apple sauce for anyone looking for eternal bliss.
In a bold move, Fort Worth has leveled a Black community, clearing the way for... well, nothing. The mayor assures us this $10 million 'devitalization project' is a crucial step towards a future of vacant lots and maybe some weeds. Progress, I guess?
A PETA billboard meant to discourage meat-eating has backfired spectacularly, convincing one Denver man that his cat, Kiki, would be absolutely divine deep-fried. Forget animal rights, he's just hungry.
Good news for privacy enthusiasts! Your Ring camera owners will continue to have access to your footage. Apparently, they just 'want to see what you'll be up to.' Nothing to see here, folks, just move along.
Wageningen Food & Biobased Research reveals that avocados become 'ready-to-eat' not through natural ripening, but through countless hands squeezing them in stores. So, next time you grip one, know you're participating in a grand, slightly grubby, culinary tradition.
His Holiness is coming to Spain and apparently wants to chat with El Jueves's 'Asshole of the Year.' The magazine is thrilled, citing his knack for putting Catholicism on the front page. Perhaps they'll discuss divine inspiration and divine comedy.
The Bank of England's shortlist for new banknotes has sparked outrage, with citizens threatening riots over creature choices. One man champions the common frog for Nigel Farage, while another questions why King Charles needs dolphins on currency.
Forget meditation; apparently, calling in sick to work, endless phone scrolling, and devouring greasy takeaways are the real keys to inner peace. Who knew sloth and gluttony were so therapeutic? Therapists, take note!
After 101 days, the Jetten cabinet's approval ratings remain as exciting as a wet Tuesday. Politicians are already sharpening their 'no confidence' motions, proving that in politics, timing is everything, especially when there's nothing to report.
Forget rent control, Spaniards are embracing subterranean living in state sewers, proving that with a little creativity, you too can enjoy municipal plumbing as your new abode. Who needs a view when you have excellent water pressure?
Barnaby Joyce, champion of 'ladies,' bravely declared that aborted fetuses are merely potential interns for him to 'hit on.' His anti-abortion stance, he claims, is for women's protection, especially from inconvenient personal attacks.
Apparently, throwing bins at police doesn't magically solve societal problems, a revelation met with shock by those with prior convictions for violence. Britain has learned that smashing up the place is less helpful than a chocolate teapot.
An 18-year-old NEET, who believes AI stole all entry-level jobs, has found solace in his mother's theory that LinkedIn is just a US surveillance plot. He's waiting for AI to offer him a job, which sounds about as likely as him washing a dish.
In a bold move to achieve influencer harmony, New York Pizza decided to euthanize the bullies on their Greek trip. Apparently, even pepperoni can't cure a bad attitude when it comes to social media stars.
Seeking to save billions, France's government now forces job counselors to live with the recently laid off. Get ready for your new roommate who constantly reminds you to apply for at least ten jobs before bedtime.
Turns out, retirement doesn't pay the bills when gas prices are higher than a tennis ball served by Serena Williams. She's now forced to trade her comfy slippers for grass courts, hoping for a quarter-final finish to afford a tank of fuel.
Finally, music for people who want to hear absolutely nothing while pretending to work. These artists are so expertly bland, they make spreadsheets more exciting than any actual melody.
In a stunning display of American 'innovation,' a sperm clinic offers donors a Solo cup, a ketchup packet, and a grainy Lois Griffin printout. Apparently, world-class healthcare in the richest country means sacrificing lubricant for a Family Guy hallucination.
Apparently, the best way to live life and win arguments is to start fights with strangers for no reason. This 'expert' suggests it's better to throw a coma-inducing punch than to risk *not* getting into a meaningless altercation. Who needs diplomacy when you have a 'coma punch'?
A cruise ship experienced a hantavirus outbreak with a diagnosis range so vast it includes everyone on Earth and maybe a few squirrels. Experts are baffled, but hey, at least the infected passengers will be quarantined until sometime between 2026 and 2036.
After 11 years, this married couple fears their podcast has run out of topics, because apparently, silence is the new foreplay for their show. They're now considering if their marriage can survive the crippling boredom of their own creative output.
Apparently, all those breathless articles about the benefits of jogging were just a clever ruse. A Harvard study hilariously reveals that lacing up for 30 minutes actually adds a full 30 minutes of *extra* stress, proving that some 'healthy' habits are just pure torture.
On Primary Election Day, the streets of California were buzzing with the profound wisdom of voters still clinging to the Democratic party. Apparently, the reasons are as shocking and unpredictable as a frog wearing a tiny hat.
In a desperate, perhaps even deranged, attempt to appease the Star Wars fanbase, Disney is unleashing a new trilogy dedicated to that universally beloved character, Jar Jar Binks. Get ready for more 'Meesa' than you can shake a midi-chlorian at!
Bless their hearts, these corporations were just posting their shiny new Pride Month logos, completely oblivious to the fact that Donald Trump is, in fact, president. Apparently, they missed the memo that rainbow colors are now considered highly treasonous.
In a stunning confession, Satan has claimed responsibility for the very existence of raisins. Apparently, it was all a cosmic accident, a clerical error in the infernal department of dried fruit.
President Trump is reportedly flabbergasted to discover that genocidal jihadists aren't exactly known for their adherence to fair play during peace talks. Who knew wishing really hard didn't make them good negotiators?
A minor metro failure in Mexico City turned into an unexpected urban safari, with passengers gratefully disembarking to admire axolotl murals on the train cars. Forget your destination, enjoy the art!
A heroic garbage worker thwarted a group of educators intent on using a sanitation truck as a battering ram. Apparently, even professors can't resist a good ol' fashioned act of vandalism with municipal property.
To 'enhance' the city's image for the World Cup, Mexico City plans to paint protesters purple, transforming them into a living tourist attraction resembling axolotls. Because nothing screams 'culture' like a flock of dyed demonstrators.
Serena Williams is back on the court, prompting confusion about her four-year hiatus. One analyst wonders how she'll explain this little 'break' on her resume, especially to her employer, the tennis world.
Apparently, Oscar the Grouch's dumpster diving tips and Cookie Monster's carb-loading strategies are now considered too controversial for impressionable young minds. Sesame Workshop has decided kids today are too delicate for a little bit of fuzzy learning, so prepare for a content advisory before Grover reads you a bedtime story.
Donald Pols, a man of many past affiliations, is on the hunt for a new career path. He's specifically looking for a company that can accommodate his unique blend of desires: strict climate policy, lax climate policy, and a dash of racial segregation. Apparently, he's an open book, as long as you have internet access.
Senate hopeful Graham Platner insists his 'I (Heart) Hitler' tattoo was a fashion faux pas before he realized it might raise a *slight* eyebrow. Apparently, he just thought it was a cute way to express affection for a particular historical figure, without any of that pesky Nazi baggage.
Forget concrete cells, one lucky (or unlucky) individual gets to serve his time in the cozy confines of a motorhome. One can only imagine the stellar views and limited legroom.
In a tale as old as time (or at least as old as Panini stickers), a hopeful young man was left abandoned at the altar of sticker trading. His collection of duplicates must be weeping.
Authorities revealed that the city's sudden purple phase for bridges was merely a large-scale psychological experiment. Apparently, the experiment's main finding was that people notice when you paint things purple.
Forget the birds and the bees, this columnist is apparently trying to repopulate the nation with tales of lukewarm romance fueled by reruns of Dutch television. Apparently, thinking about Tijs van den Brink is the ultimate aphrodisiac for procreation.
An environmental activist, ousted from Tata Steel for past ties to a pro-apartheid group, claims he intended to reform them from the inside. His new mission? To transform a local Albert Heijn supermarket from within, one checkout at a time.
Facing pre-exam jitters, a Spanish teacher attempted to calm her students by reminding them that ultimately, 'nothing matters too much because we all die alone.' Apparently, existential dread is the new motivational poster.
Following his grand gesture of wrapping the Pont-Neuf, artist JR has now set his sights on draping Gérard Larcher in recycled fabric, apparently because Emmanuel Macron's ego proved too vast for the world's supply of textiles. Critics are already hailing it as a bold move to make the Senate president more visible.
Alberto Núñez Feijóo is apparently ready to pay top dollar for his country's 'decency,' asking coalition partners how much they want to ditch the current government. He's even willing to name his price if they're too shy to bid.
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