Page 26 of our collection of absurdities.
Facing pre-exam jitters, a Spanish teacher attempted to calm her students by reminding them that ultimately, 'nothing matters too much because we all die alone.' Apparently, existential dread is the new motivational poster.
Following his grand gesture of wrapping the Pont-Neuf, artist JR has now set his sights on draping Gérard Larcher in recycled fabric, apparently because Emmanuel Macron's ego proved too vast for the world's supply of textiles. Critics are already hailing it as a bold move to make the Senate president more visible.
Alberto Núñez Feijóo is apparently ready to pay top dollar for his country's 'decency,' asking coalition partners how much they want to ditch the current government. He's even willing to name his price if they're too shy to bid.
Labour's tax-and-spend debates have inspired a quiz where participants hilariously identify everyone else as deserving of higher taxes and lower benefits. Turns out, we all think we're the 'ordinary Briton' entitled to the windfall.
His Holiness Pope Leo XIV has decreed that while hate is generally bad, directed fury at the Chicago White Sox front office is not only permissible but divinely sanctioned. Apparently, even the Almighty draws the line at decades of baseball blunders.
Discovering two cavities is a drag, but for one patient, the soothing sounds of Sade during dental work transform a minor oral crisis into a moment of profound personal reflection. It's a reminder that even decay has a soundtrack.
FBI Director Kash Patel is under fire for using taxpayer-funded jets for personal grooming, specifically blow-drying his hair. In a bizarre twist, officials report he's now unavailable for comment after a slight misunderstanding involving a jet turbine.
In a move that will shock absolutely no one, Donald Trump has established an $88 billion fund for any man who's ever been told 'no' by a woman. Apparently, documenting dating app rejection is now grounds for a presidential bailout.
A pair of parents deliver a tearful lecture to their daughter, not about her secret life as a serial killer, but about why she didn't confide in them sooner. Their biggest concern? That she thought they'd be ashamed.
Greta Sampson and Arnold White, wisely acknowledging the futility of a matchmaker, proceed to ensure they receive maximum value for their dubious investment. It's a testament to their commitment to 'getting their money's worth,' no matter the outcome.
Apparently, hiring a former eco-terrorist and far-right student leader as your sustainability chief wasn't the best move for Tata Steel. The company claims he had 'three faces' and ruined their pristine reputation, promising to screen future hires 'better'.
Robin van Persie bravely defends Raheem Sterling's DUI dashcam footage, praising his 'excellent' driving and calling criticism 'typically Dutch cynicism.' He suggests one shouldn't judge a man for parking his Lamborghini against a guardrail while high.
Roland-Garros continues its tradition of thrilling spectators with matches featuring players so obscure, even their opponents don't know who they are. Experts advise watching Finnish football or field hockey for a less disorienting experience.
Forget your star signs, this horoscope is a masterclass in reverse psychology and societal commentary. Apparently, Aries can't critique Bad Bunny without losing friends, and Geminis should brace for the ultimate career path: living with parents. Leo, your celestial destiny? Embrace Catholicism, for reasons unknown and likely hilarious.
Britain's universities have successfully reverted to their original design: havens for the rich and foolish. Gone are the pesky intelligent youths; now, only the chinless, inbred elite can afford to be insulted with Latin. It’s a mercy, really, for professors who just want to spout knowledge at uncomprehending posh thickos.
A 45-year-old man who exclusively dates women in their 20s extols their 'wisdom beyond their years' and lack of cellulite, bafflingly forgetting that 20-something men apparently still film themselves falling off things. Clearly, he prefers intellectual pursuits like discussing his Porsche with cleavage-focused 22-year-olds.
For the romantically challenged, fear not! This guide offers hope for overweight chaps to woo pop princesses, with tips like 'slide into her DMs, king' or proposing at an arena show. Apparently, a criminal record and public urination are excellent ways to get Ariana Grande's attention. What could possibly go wrong?
A Facebook group dedicated to remembering 'the good old days' is flooded with AI-generated images of the past, featuring unnervingly perfect children with the wrong number of legs and oddly anachronistic fashion. Apparently, the past was so much better, even the algorithms are struggling to make it convincingly real.
In a heartwarming display of non-reaction, Labour politicians are perfectly quiet following yet another stabbing in their 'Stab Britain' initiative. Apparently, thoughts and prayers have been replaced with a deafening silence, which is definitely a solution.
Forget being a jack of all trades, this guy is a master of all faiths, somehow managing to be a devout Christian, Muslim, AND Jew simultaneously. He must have a divine schedule, and frankly, God probably needs a bigger Venn diagram for this one.
A political party is adamant they aren't Nazis, despite posing for photos with actual Nazis at a summit. They claim it's just a coincidence that they share similar ideals and views, but even the Nazis are now asking to be unassociated. Apparently, the Holocaust is just 'differently viewed' and 'a fairytale' to them.
An expert explains that the 'tense' situation between Israel and Iran, involving threats of strikes and calls for ceasefires, is merely 'playful bickering' between 'comrades'. He reassures us that Netanyahu is just 'a bit angry' and it's all just part of their long negotiation process, like a toddler refusing to share a toy.
We mourn the loss of an acquaintance's chaotic Instagram presence, now replaced by wholesome baby content. Her days of uninvited magician confrontations and existential crisis selfies are gone, leaving us with only the mundane 'moo moo' instead of milk. It's a tragic downgrade from her single, manic era.
An office pest has cheerfully announced that summer is over, and to everyone's dismay, he's probably right. His 'hilarious' weather-based jokes are met with silent despair, prompting colleagues to consider ancient pagan rituals to banish him and the clouds. Apparently, complaining about the weather is peak British humor, especially when it's Martin doing it.
Apparently, God's holy word has *plenty* to say about pride this month. Who knew the Good Book was such a fashion critic?
Ah, California, where building a bridge for its tiniest residents takes longer than a WWII fighter plane. Clearly, our priorities are as straight as a P-51's flight path.
In a stunning display of political genius, an attack ad meant to sabotage a Republican candidate backfired spectacularly, inspiring a voter to rally behind the very person it was meant to malign. Apparently, the best way to win votes is to be hilariously ineffective.
Finally, a solution for those who find orange candies an affront to their taste buds! This revolutionary service ensures you'll never accidentally consume a dreaded orange candy again, making every box a curated experience of non-orange joy.
In a move that surprised absolutely no one who's been paying attention, Trump celebrated Pride Month by... playing soccer. Apparently, kicking a ball around the lawn is the new 'love is love' for the White House.
After the latest box office stumble, Disney's scrambling to save Star Wars, with plans to revive it only so they can ceremoniously obliterate it again. It's a bold strategy, Cotton, let's see if it pays off.
In a bold move to appeal to suburban dads and open-carry enthusiasts, the GOP now requires all congressional candidates to be Navy SEALs. Apparently, voters trust SEALs more than podcast hosts, and who needs policy when you've got tactical waterboarding experience?
Bruce Springsteen, the man who once sang about the working man, has decided a fat paycheck for a controversial concert is worth more than his principles. He's willing to play for anyone if the cash is right, proving the only thing 'Born to Run' from is his own integrity.
In a stroke of unparalleled genius, President Trump has dissolved the entire US military, securing peace with Iran by trading it for a glowing 5-star Google review of the White House. Our troops are now free to enjoy Airbnb renovations and ponder the strategic brilliance of praising POTUS's bathrooms.
Millions of men who had meticulously planned their imaginary lives with Dua Lipa are in mourning after news of her wedding, leading to a surge in ice cream and gym membership sales. Apparently, the concept of a long-distance relationship starting with a selfie request in Cancun has been officially debunked.
In a desperate bid for attention, the Hantavirus has launched a TikTok account, hoping viral dances and challenges can dethrone pimple-popping videos. The virus laments its current obscurity, lamenting fewer mentions than Google Plus and vowing to scare us all with catchy tunes.
In a truly unprecedented turn of events, a US Senate candidate sporting a Nazi tattoo has been discovered to be a complete scumbag. Shockwaves reverberate through the nation as this revelation, previously unimaginable, comes to light.
Fans are hailing 'Euphoria' for its brilliant happy ending: the show's conclusion means they'll never have to watch it again. Viewers expressed profound relief, comparing the feeling to riding off into the sunset, finally free to do literally anything else with their Sunday evenings.
In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance, politician Graham Platner claims he was unaware that extramarital sexting might be construed as a sign of infidelity. Apparently, navigating the nuances of marital commitment requires a level of insight not found in his inbox.
Forget grammar and syntax, apparently, every Fries word is just made up on the spot by the speaker. Linguists claim communication relies solely on 'vibes,' guttural noises, and pointing at ditches. It's less a language, more an interpretive dance with questionable pronunciation.
In a shocking turn of events, the housing market has officially crashed, and with it, humanity. Reports indicate that falling house prices have literally killed everyone. It seems affordability was our last hope.
Mexicans who grew up with Chespirito are deeply offended that the late comedian's voice was used in a World Cup commercial. Apparently, using a beloved national icon is less 'patriotic' and more 'betrayal of youth.'
With the World Cup looming, residents near the Estadio Azteca are renting out their driveways for astronomical prices, turning humble parking spots into prime real estate. Forget attending the game; the real profit is in the asphalt.
In a bold move to escape American 'instability,' Canada is reportedly planning to physically move its entire population to Europe. Apparently, the best defense against a neighbor is to become its farthest neighbor.
Apparently, not even the electrifying beats of Bad Bunny can keep certain politicians from seeking out the party. Prison authorities are now tasked with explaining how Koldo and Ábalos ended up crashing Puerto Rico's most iconic stage prop, proving that some 'entanglements' transcend political scandals.
In a bold move for safety, a driver from Badajoz has decided to keep his car's airbag permanently inflated, just in case. While the DGT touts prevention, this genius interprets it as driving blindfolded with a pillow, which, naturally, makes perfect sense.
A contrarian on an opinion page has bravely declared that *gasp* not everyone agrees with the prevailing narrative. Apparently, he's the only one who's truly seen the light, while the rest of us have been duped by fake news and groupthink. Experts are baffled by his groundbreaking insights.
Prepare yourselves for the profound wisdom of Thymen Arensman, delivering the sports quote of the weekend! This gem is so groundbreaking, it deserves its own newsletter, probably filled with more quotes. Stay globally informed, folks!
Two Michigan middle schoolers nearly came to blows because they coincidentally chose the same tactical bulletproof vest for school. Apparently, fashion choices in a country where kids pack heat are more important than, you know, not getting shot.
Apparently, Madrid is bracing itself for a biblical deluge of half a million Catholics, which, upon closer inspection, turns out to be four dedicated families from the Opus Dei. So much for the spiritual awakening of the masses; it's more like a family reunion with the Pope.
In a truly bizarre turn of events, a tearful Trump has emerged as the latest victim in the Jeffrey Epstein saga, claiming he was groomed and sex-trafficked. Apparently, Epstein's real estate advice came with a rather disturbing, high-stakes commission.
The Pesky Toad is free and ad-light. If you find it useful, toss a few pesos in the tip jar to help keep the servers running and the satire flowing.
