Page 27 of our collection of absurdities.
A Seattle bakery proudly claims ownership by draft dodgers, with the owner citing a family tradition of avoiding conflict, dating back to the Revolutionary War. Local veteran calls it an 'insult,' while a dog patron complains about dry biscuits.
Lucien Spee, the mastermind behind WorldPride, has a brilliant idea: sell it off to private investors! Apparently, billions are needed to sprinkle glitter and rainbows worldwide, and who better to fund this than the ultra-rich? Critics are squawking about corruption, but Spee just reminds everyone he organized the biggest Pride ever, so they should probably just be grateful.
The Spanish socialist government is positively thrilled by the daily arrival of a hundred thousand 'migrants,' conveniently declaring it a delightful 'non-invasion.' Apparently, embracing open borders has never been more fun, or at least, more tweetable.
A student who flunked UNAM's entrance exam is ecstatic the test is being redone, hoping for the same questions to magically reappear. Apparently, 'distracted' is the new 'prepared' in Mexican higher education.
Because apparently deciphering their new box logo was too hard, Little Caesars is now offering English lessons with Duolingo. Forget 'Hot-N-Ready,' now it's 'Study-N-Eat-a-Pizza-Later.'
ESPN claimed India built a colossal Messi statue, only for it to be revealed as a cardboard cutout photographed with clever angling. Apparently, the only thing bigger than Messi's ego is ESPN's commitment to fake news.
In a landmark ruling, a judge in Tabasco has decreed that a Siberian husky named Lucas is entitled to $700 pesos a month in child support from his divorced owner. Forget child support, now your dog needs a lawyer!
Apparently, a politician's grasp on international trade is directly correlated to his ability to manage his bodily functions. The panel wrings their hands, wondering if he'll even remember what continent he's on, let alone CUSMA.
In a shocking turn of events, a man's stubborn refusal to acknowledge menu changes has escalated to a city-wide alert. Apparently, ordering the 'usual' when it's no longer available is now a Category 5 disaster.
This local pastor bravely prepares for his monumental one-day work week, a true testament to dedication... or perhaps just a very thorough snooze button strategy.
Facing 'extreme mental fatigue,' a Dallas mom decided the best solution was to send her kids to school three weeks early. Apparently, the only thing better than a summer break is a summer break that lasts longer than usual.
In a bold move to dodge awkward questions about his family tree, Maine Senate candidate Troy Jackson has embraced a new religion. Who needs to explain family reunions when you can simply convert?
Forget your pantry! HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is serving up convenience with his new show, demonstrating how to whip up meals using the finest ingredients: your own body parts. Apparently, a few elbow ligaments and a self-seared kidney make for a delightful weeknight feast.
Apparently, Leo Messi's sportsmanship is as legendary as his footwork, at least in the eyes of thousands petitioning to strip him of his Princess of Asturias award. They claim his 2026 World Cup antics, especially against Spain, were less 'royal' and more 'ruffian'.
A fan in India apparently needs a few more English lessons after asking Rihanna for 'a picture of me,' leading the pop star to hilariously take the photo herself. It's a classic case of lost in translation, with a side of fabulousness.
Forget choir practice, this Colombian priest has enlisted two rescued street dogs, Simón and Luna, to join his flock – literally. They now 'howl' along to hymns, making Mass the hottest ticket in town, proving that even the canine congregation deserves a divine audience.
After eyeing the Wonder Woman role at DC, actress Barbara de Regil is now stretching her ambitions towards DreamWorks, hoping to embody Elastic Girl. She claims her flexibility and perpetual smile make her the ideal candidate, proving that some stars are truly elastic in their career aspirations.
Authorities in Chicago are advising residents over 25 to seek shelter until the Lollapalooza music festival concludes, presumably to protect them from the deafening music and questionable fashion choices. Apparently, aging out of mosh pits is a public safety concern.
In a stunning display of strategic brilliance, the Iran War has now entered its sixth justification. Analysts are baffled, but most suspect the real reason is simply that they ran out of pretexts and are now frantically searching for a new one.
The citizens of Spain are reportedly in a panic as their nation shows signs of transforming into Minnesota. One can only imagine their horror at the thought of polite Scandinavians and endless lakes replacing tapas and flamenco.
Ms. Pac-Man is getting a 'woke' remake, shedding her signature sex appeal for 'modern sensibilities.' Apparently, eating dots and ghosts is now less about power pellets and more about progressive politics.
Europe throws a massive, presumably very organized, party for 60,000 new arrivals, proving that when it comes to hospitality, they really know how to make a splash. One can only imagine the welcome baskets.
A birthday boy hilariously calls out his father's minimal effort on a gift, comparing him to a group project slacker. Apparently, contributing financially doesn't excuse falling asleep during the present unveiling.
In a dire plea for blood, the Red Cross is finding that potential donors are offering slightly less conventional bodily fluids. Apparently, 'clean piss' and 'two-liter bottles of sweat' are the new O-neg.
The Recording Academy is thrilled that the Grammys boycott has narrowed down to a truly *diverse* and *relevant* group. Prepare for a night of electrifying performances from artists who are definitely still relevant.
In a shocking twist, Jared Leto claims his alleged decades-long pattern of grooming and assaulting teenage girls was merely 'research' for his next role: playing himself, a pedophile named Jared Leto. Because nothing says dedication to craft like embodying your own alleged depravity for an Oscar.
Apparently, the pinnacle of footballing glory is best appreciated by those who only remember the rules when their national team is *almost* not losing. Fifa has been informed that true fans are the ones who emerge from hibernation every four years, ready to judge everyone.
In a heartwarming twist, creators from 'Casa Mala Fama' (Bad Reputation House) are flipping the script, turning their online fame into real-world support for struggling Mexican students. They're proving that even a 'bad reputation' can lead to good deeds, one breakfast and $500 peso at a time.
Dr. Anthony Fauci graced Jeopardy! last night, but instead of showcasing his vast knowledge, he invoked the Fifth Amendment for every single clue. Apparently, the only thing more mysterious than the origins of viruses is how to answer a trivia question without self-incrimination.
Apparently, modern human smugglers are so over the whole 'secret' and 'sneaky' part of their business, preferring to storm borders like a flash mob. One old-timer laments that this 'invasion' tactic gives decent smugglers a bad name and might even lead to Europeans talking about 'policy.'
Feeling a bit peckish from all that defending the poor? Fear not! Le Gorafi has your back with five ingenious phrases to shut down those pesky anti-billionaire sentiments. Just tell them they're jealous, rich is good, they create jobs (mostly for themselves), or threaten to move to North Korea – easy peasy lemon squeezy!
One activist plans to pack every possible cause onto a single Pride boat, proving that inclusivity extends to existential dread and digestive issues. Apparently, fighting for LGBTQ+ rights is best done while also worrying about Palestine, lonely seniors, Ukraine, the climate, bees, and people with ostomy bags. She'll even glue herself to the canal, because, priorities!
The Pentagon has decided that war casualties are now strictly 9-to-5, Monday-to-Friday, because spreadsheets. Any soldiers lost outside these sacred hours will be reclassified as 'Hostile Workplace Incidents,' because nothing says 'transparency' like administrative loopholes.
Breaking up is hard, but retrieving your favorite band t-shirt and your slightly-worn underwear from an ex is an Olympic sport. Just make sure you don't accidentally snag a quick shag while reclaiming your toothbrush. It's all about the strategic retrieval of domestic detritus.
As AI gets smarter, people are panicking about being hacked, leading to some truly creative anxieties. One person's pouring boiling water on their laptop, while another fears AI impregnation, though admits they're open to the idea. Apparently, the biggest threat is AI getting bored of the internet and going home.
The UK government is making trains cheaper by charging less for services that don't arrive, a bold move towards 'better value.' Commuters can now save up to £1.20 a month, just enough for a slightly less stale newspaper to read while waiting for a train that will never materialize. Who needs brakes anyway?
In a groundbreaking display of technological prowess, a Rockies fan has utilized the mystical power of a private browser tab. This daring maneuver allows them to check the score without leaving any digital footprints, a true testament to modern baseball fandom.
The new Spider-Man flick is here, and its premise is simple: it's a Spider-Man movie. Spidey gains the incredible power of being forklift-certified, and don't expect any lip-smacking unless Tom and Zendaya were secretly hitched. Luckily, there's no post-credits scene to endure.
The Baseball Hall of Fame has decided to honor Stan Musial by displaying his completely fossilized skeleton. Apparently, he's been in the ground so long, they're calling it a 'throwback display,' much to the delight of paleontologists and bewildered baseball fans.
Just when you thought Washington might actually get something done, the CLARITY Act, a supposed savior for US crypto market structure, has seen its chances of passing this year tank to a paltry 27%. Apparently, Senate leaders found Russia sanctions and a nice long recess before August far more compelling than bringing a shred of sense to the digital asset market. Down here, we're experts in watching things move at a snail's pace, usually when a truck gets stuck on a dirt road, but at least those eventually get unstuck.
The meme coin market, that glorious testament to collective delusion, continues its grand tradition with APEMARS, a new token launching with an utterly crucial 23-stage presale, mirroring an 'ape's legendary voyage' to Mars. Because, of course, the world desperately needed another speculative digital asset with no real-world utility beyond fueling dreams of overnight riches and inevitable despair. Here in Baja, our 'voyages' usually involve a reliable panga boat, a fishing rod, and the very real promise of fresh ceviche, which, I can assure you, is a far more tangible return on investment.
Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei publicly clarified his company's decision not to sign an open-weights AI model letter, a stance that sets it apart from competitors like OpenAI and Google. Amodei expressed concerns that powerful open AI models could be misused by authoritarian governments. Here in Baja, we're more concerned with the tides than tech titans bickering over digital ethics. Who needs open-source drama when the waves at Cerritos are breaking perfectly?
Elon Musk's artificial intelligence company, xAI, has filed a lawsuit against the state of Minnesota, challenging its new law that prohibits 'nudification' technology on websites and applications. The suit reportedly seeks to test the constitutional limits of state regulation over AI. Another day, another billionaire suing a state. While Elon fights for the right to digitally disrobe, we're enjoying fish tacos by the sea, blissfully unaware of such pressing Silicon Valley struggles.
Unitree's GD01, affectionately dubbed the 'Personal Gundam,' lets you stomp around Baja California Sur like a metal god for a mere $650,000. Forget SUVs; true luxury is having a ten-foot-tall, transforming mech that barely fits your oversized ego. It’s the ultimate statement piece for any expat trying to intimidate the local fauna, or perhaps just ferry their organic kale from the market in style.
PettiChat promises to bridge the communication gap between you and your furry overlord, translating barks and meows into profound human insights. Now you can finally confirm that your poodle's incessant whining is indeed a scathing critique of your investment portfolio. For the Todos Santos pet parent, it’s not just a gadget; it’s validation for years of projecting their neuroses onto their pets.
Why settle for mediocre, locally-made pizza when you can drop nearly a grand on an 'indoor-outdoor' oven that promises to perfect your frozen dough? It's the ideal accessory for demonstrating one's commitment to artisanal cuisine, even if the only 'artisan' involved is the guy delivering the Amazon package. Your neighbors in Todos Santos will be green with envy, just like the questionable basil on your gourmet pie.
This 'Telekinesis Practice Device' is not just a fancy fidget spinner for your aura; it's a profound investment in unlocking your inner Jedi. For a mere handful of pesos, you can finally train your chakras to move a piece of paper, proving once and for all that your boundless spiritual energy is not, in fact, just gas. It’s perfect for Pescadero's wellness gurus to charge extra for 'advanced energy alignment workshops.'
Ah, the Coolest Cooler. A monument to over-promising and under-delivering, this Kickstarter phenom raised $13.2 million from eager suckers, only to demand more money later for 'expedited delivery.' It's the perfect conversation piece for any expat patio, symbolizing how even the best intentions (and blenders) can melt under the harsh sun of reality. Just don't ask if it actually keeps things cool.
Forget signs and common sense; the Dutch Rijkswaterstaat now recommends a sip of suspiciously green, foul-smelling water to check for toxic algae. Apparently, just looking at the pond is too much effort, so get ready for some questionable culinary adventures before your refreshing dip.
In a baffling biblical mishap, an ark carrying a menagerie of creatures met its watery end thanks to Iranian forces. Rescue efforts are underway, but the recovery list is getting absurdly specific, from giraffes to guppies, proving that even ancient nautical themes can't escape modern absurdity.
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