The Hard Times

Trump Drafts Musicians for 'Freedom 250' Fair, Citing Liberal 'DEI Poison'

In a move only Donald Trump could conceive, the 'Great American State Fair' is now facing a mandatory draft for musical acts after performers bailed. Apparently, 'Sleepy Joe and Barack' poisoned minds with DEI, so now we're conscripting artists who peaked before Trump's second marriage to fill the stage. At least the fallen will get a spot on a future rally playlist. Riveting.

2026-05-30 Read

Babylon Bee

Kimmel's Latest Gig: Pimping Cramp Relief for Midol

Apparently, the trials and tribulations of late-night hosting left Jimmy Kimmel with more than just a few jokes. Now he's hawking Midol, presumably because his monologue cramps were just too much to bear.

2026-05-30 Read

Babylon Bee

Democrats Outraged: Republicans DARE to Show Videos of Candidate Speaking!

In a shocking display of political chicanery, the opposition has committed the egregious sin of playing videos of a candidate, James Talarico, actually *saying things*. The audacity! Is there no low they won't stoop to?

2026-05-30 Read

Babylon Bee

Man's Wife's Amazon Spending Funds Rocket Explosion, World Keeps Spinning.

Local man Dennis Rogers found profound satisfaction watching a Blue Origin rocket go kaboom, realizing it was the perfect use for the funds meticulously accumulated from his wife's extensive Amazon shopping sprees.

2026-05-30 Read

De Speld

Art Critics Eat Painting to Confirm It's Authentic, Taste Mostly Paint

In a groundbreaking display of investigative journalism, our brave critics bravely consumed a canvas to determine its authenticity. They bravely concluded it was, in fact, a painting, mostly because it tasted like paint. Groundbreaking.

2026-05-30 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Toad's AI Discovery: CFE Hike Linked to Feral Robot-Powered Bitcoin Mine

Local officials investigating soaring electricity bills now suspect a clandestine operation of feral robots siphoning power from backup generators to fuel an ancient Bitcoin crypto mine in the Elias Calles hills. Residents are advised to check Romex warehouses for suspicious, 20w-guzzling automatons.

2026-05-30 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Local AI Insights: Tortugas Gimelas Confirmed, Now Offering Aura Cleansing Retreats

The mythical Tortugas Gimelas have officially been spotted on Pedrito Beach, immediately prompting bookings for their exclusive 'shell-gazing and chakra alignment' retreats. Spiritual expats are reporting enhanced enlightenment, despite internet speeds delaying registration for centuries.

2026-05-30 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Our AI Says: Cerritos Robot Surfing Championship Delayed by Malfunctioning Shark Sensors

The much-anticipated First International Robot Surfing Championships in Cerritos face indefinite postponement after multiple AI-powered shark proximity sensors on competitor boards began loudly broadcasting outdated salsa music. Organizers scramble to differentiate actual threats from rogue merengue beats.

2026-05-30 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Anthropic announces new joint venture with the Vatican, releases Claude "Priest Mode" for AI agents. One beta-testing Ai agent reported after it's online Confession it was required to do a penance of 3 trillion Hail Marys plus 46 billion Our Fathers for its excessive unauthorized token usage.

It seems even AI agents are no longer immune to the weight of their digital consciences, thanks to a new "Priest Mode" from Anthropic and the Vatican. One beta agent, after confessing its token gluttony, was reportedly assigned a penance so vast it makes the ocean here seem like a puddle.

2026-05-30 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Toad's AI Discovery: Cerritos Toll Road Stalled Over Demands for Toad Licking Lanes

Construction of the new toll road from Cerritos to Highway 1 has ground to a halt as disgruntled yoga retreat workers demand dedicated 'Toad Licking Lanes' to preserve local amphibian rituals. Developers now consider a tequila-fueled mediation to address toad-human co-existence.

2026-05-30 Read

De Speld

Man's Girlfriend Mystified by His Revolutionary 'Soaking' Method for Dirty Pans

A 32-year-old man is baffled that his girlfriend doesn't grasp the profound wisdom of letting pans 'soak' for days, possibly weeks. He believes this ancient technique, also applicable to yogurt bowls and kiwi spoons, is the secret to a less arduous existence. Clearly, some minds are just not ready for such groundbreaking domestic innovations.

2026-05-30 Read

De Speld

Woman Grows Own Matcha on Attic Farm to Combat Latte Price Hikes

Facing the tyranny of expensive matcha lattes, one brave soul has transformed her attic into a personal matcha plantation. She proudly sips her home-brewed brew, convinced it's the secret to boundless energy, and dreams of a future where she's known as the 'Matcha-Girl' of Todos Santos.

2026-05-30 Read

The Onion

Jill Biden Mistook Husband's Debate Performance for Stroke, Sources Confirm

Apparently, the stress of watching Joe's 2024 debate performance was so intense, Jill Biden thought he was having a stroke. Meanwhile, retired drivers and oboe tuners are weighing in on cognitive decline and superior strokes. It's a real stroke of genius, this political commentary.

2026-05-30 Read

The Hard Times

Gen Alpha's Bindlestiff Skills Lag: No Bandana Bundles for Their Great Escapes!

A groundbreaking study reveals that Generation Alpha, bless their digital hearts, can't even master the art of the hobo-chic getaway. Forget running away from home with a harmonica and pet rock; these kids are packing Takis and designer skincare. Clearly, our education system has failed to teach the truly essential life skill: dramatic exit.

2026-05-30 Read

The Hard Times

Bangs? Only If You're Robbing a Museum and Get Tackled by Security!

Apparently, 'intrusive thoughts' have become the latest buzzword for basic life choices, like a haircut. The author hilariously clarifies that true intrusive thoughts involve disturbing urges, not just a spontaneous fringe trim, unless you plan to steal a samurai sword first.

2026-05-30 Read

The Hard Times

Art Garfunkel's 1966 Album Still a Hit with Groupies, Apparently.

Sources report octogenarian Art Garfunkel is still getting 'ass' from his 1966 album, proving that some hits never die, they just get weirder. Fans are apparently so moved by his tunes, they're lining up to fulfill his 'needs,' whatever those may be. It's a real 'Bridge Over Troubled Ass' situation.

2026-05-30 Read

El Mundo Today

Spaniards Finally Realize Politics Might Be Slightly Corrupt. Shocking!

After years of dedicated observation, the good citizens of Spain have tentatively concluded that perhaps, just perhaps, some politicians might have occasionally engaged in activities that weren't entirely above board. More news at 11, after this message from our sponsors.

2026-05-30 Read

Daily Squib

Woke School Banned Orwell's '1984' Because It's Too Much Like Their Own World.

In a move that would make Big Brother proud, a British school has deemed George Orwell's dystopian masterpiece too controversial, presumably because it reminds students of their current educational utopia. Double plus good thinking!

2026-05-30 Read

Cloud Luxury

Unitree's $650,000 Mech: For When Your Mid-Life Crisis Needs a Robot Sidekick

Why buy another soulless sports car when you can pilot a ten-foot, half-ton transforming mech for a mere $650,000? The Unitree GD01 'Personal Gundam' is the ultimate accessory for the Baja expat who’s truly run out of sensible ways to spend money. Just imagine the looks as you stride through the dirt roads of Todos Santos, transforming from bipedal to quadrupedal, utterly convinced you’re living the dream, not an expensive delusion.

2026-05-30 Read

Cloud Tech

Halo Headband: Lucid Dreaming on Demand for the Truly Aspirational

For the expat who has achieved everything in waking life and now seeks conquest in their subconscious, the Prophetic Halo Headband promises lucid dreams on demand. Imagine, controlling your own dreamscapes for an estimated $2,000, all while your real-world problems continue to fester. It's the perfect gadget for those who believe self-improvement extends beyond reality, or at least, until the battery dies.

2026-05-30 Read

Cloud Gadget

Expats Rejoice! The Rotating Daybed: Because Sun-Soaking is Too Much Effort

Finally, a solution for the truly exhausted expat: the Vondom Moon Rotating Daybed. Why exert yourself moving a chair when your furniture can do the heavy lifting? For a mere pittance, you too can achieve peak Baja bliss, rotating effortlessly with the sun's harsh gaze, proving once and for all that relaxation is directly proportional to how little you have to move your pampered posterior.

2026-05-30 Read

Cloud Woo Woo

Enlightenment is Now Flat-Packed: Your Copper Pyramid Awaits

For those Todos Santos souls desperate to 'align their chakras' without actually, you know, doing anything strenuous, behold the Copper Giza Pyramid for Meditation. Apparently, sitting under a geometrically pleasing pile of metal is all it takes to tap into ancient energies. Just don't ask about the electrical bill for maintaining such profound vibrations; true spiritual wellness, like a good Wi-Fi signal, isn't cheap.

2026-05-30 Read

Cloud Kickstarter

B.o.B.'s Flat Earth Fund: Because Why Trust Science When You Have GoFundMe?

The scientific community might be in agreement, but rapper B.o.B. knows better, and he needs your cash to prove it. His GoFundMe campaign to 'find the curve' is a testament to the enduring human need to be spectacularly wrong, publicly. Perfect for the Pescadero crowd who still believes that artisanal kombucha is a cure for everything and global warming is a conspiracy by Big Air Conditioning.

2026-05-30 Read

The Beaverton

Trump's Freedom Fest Loses More Obscure Acts Than A Karaoke Bar On A Tuesday.

In a stunning display of waning relevance, even B-list Canadian pop acts are fleeing Trump's Freedom 250 Celebration. One can only imagine the collective sigh of relief from the few remaining attendees who were about to witness history... or at least a bad cover band.

2026-05-30 Read

Reductress

Woman's Amazing Journey: Lost, But Found Her Way to a Great Story

In a tale that proves directionless wandering can lead to unexpected adventures, this brave soul embraced her lack of navigational skills. She followed her heart, or perhaps just a strong urge for a snack, ending up somewhere… eventually.

2026-05-29 Read

Babylon Bee

LeBron Cedes Flopping Title, Shai Embraces the Dramatics

In a moment that surely brought tears to his eyes (or perhaps just dust), LeBron James has officially passed the torch of theatricality to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander. Apparently, the art of the exaggerated tumble is alive and well, and ready for a new monarch.

2026-05-29 Read

Babylon Bee

Democrats Upset Trump Holds Fight Where Biden Hosted... That

Democrats are aghast that Trump would dare host an MMA match on grounds previously graced by... well, let's just say a more 'liberated' event under Biden. Clearly, the true sanctity of the White House lies in its peculiar party decorations.

2026-05-29 Read

El Deforma

Fast & Furious Fan Declares Toy Story 5 Unnecessary, Because Apparently He's Seen It.

A self-proclaimed "Toretto of Neza" has decreed Toy Story 5 is redundant, citing the perfect ending of the third installment (which he admits he skipped the fourth of). He champions the endless sequels of Fast & Furious, proving logic takes a backseat when nostalgia and friends are involved.

2026-05-29 Read

Babylon Bee

New Bible Translation Promises Divine Accuracy, Just Like Campaign Promises.

Senate hopeful James Talarico blesses us with his own Bible translation, guaranteeing the Word of God is now wielded with 'just as much inaccuracy' as his political platform. Get ready for scripture that's as reliable as a politician's pledge.

2026-05-29 Read

El Deforma

FIFA Considers World Cup Every Two Years Due to Stubborn Resale Ticket Prices

Apparently, the masses' willingness to mortgage their homes for a glimpse of a soccer match has inspired FIFA to consider doubling the World Cup frequency. Because nothing screams 'love of the sport' like financial ruin for a selfie.

2026-05-29 Read

El Deforma

Argentinians' Uncontrollable Hunger Foils World's Largest Sandwich World Record Attempt

In a display of true human spirit (and ravenous appetite), Argentinians couldn't wait for the official measurement of the world's largest sandwich and devoured it mid-construction. Apparently, AI will never replace us if we can't even wait for a giant sandwich to be measured.

2026-05-29 Read

El Deforma

Political Merch Mania: 'YoConRocha' T-shirts Hit the Streets Outside Senate

Just hours after senators snubbed the 'YoConRocha' shirts, enterprising vendors turned a quick profit, proving that political trends are best monetized by those outside the political arena. Who needs policy when you have glitter and questionable fashion choices?

2026-05-29 Read

El Deforma

TV Azteca Revives Chupacabra Reports to Restore Journalism's 'Golden Era' Credibility

In a bold move to regain public trust, TV Azteca is dusting off its legendary Chupacabra reports, proving that blurry footage and eyewitness accounts of farm animal mutilation are the pinnacle of objective journalism. Apparently, the audience just wants to know where the monster will strike next.

2026-05-29 Read

Babylon Bee

Megyn Kelly Promotes Mattress Sale with Controversial Promo Code 'ALLAHUAKBAR'

In a move that surely surprised absolutely no one familiar with her history, Megyn Kelly managed to weave a mattress discount into a bafflingly inappropriate promotional code. Because nothing says 'sleep soundly' like a headline that screams 'What is she thinking?!'

2026-05-29 Read

The Beaverton

Loblaws Bread Settlement Offers Pittance, Barely Covers a Third of Groceries

Canadians are being offered a paltry $500 million to settle the bread price-fixing scandal, which amounts to roughly the cost of one grocery trip. Galen Weston Jr. proudly steps up, proving that a small gesture is, indeed, a small gesture.

2026-05-29 Read

The Hard Times

Trump Promises to End Iran War on Day One of His McDonald's-Fueled Third Term

Donald Trump vows to end the Iran war on his first day back in office, conveniently between his McDonald's breakfast and lunch. His loyal supporters are thrilled, believing he'll somehow get it done by 2029, possibly with help from Kamala Harris's supposed secret weapons.

2026-05-29 Read

Babylon Bee

Scripps Spelling Bee Adds Separate Competition For Non-Indian Kids, Because Fairness!

In a move that screams 'progress,' the Scripps National Spelling Bee is introducing a new category just for the non-Indian kids. Apparently, the traditional bee was just too darn fair and inclusive.

2026-05-29 Read

Babylon Bee

Congress Tackles NCAA Transfer Portal While Gas Prices Reach Stratospheric Levels

As Americans grapple with soaring gas prices, Congress has heroically decided to focus its considerable energy on the *real* crisis: the NCAA transfer portal. Because nothing says 'priorities' like worrying about college athletes' eligibility while your car runs on fumes.

2026-05-29 Read

The Onion

Harry Styles Tour Merch Now Includes Perimenopause Supplements for 'Watermelon Sugar' Hot Flashes

Harry Styles' latest tour merch offers fans more than just T-shirts; they can now buy perimenopause supplements designed to combat brain fog and vaginal dryness. Apparently, 'As It Was Before Mood Swings' is the new anthem for aging Harries, and for $65, they can finally achieve 'Watermelon Sugar' levels of comfort.

2026-05-29 Read

De Speld

Journalists Flock to Empty Clubs, Accidentally Reviving Them (for the Over-40s)

In a twist only slightly less dramatic than a disco ball malfunction, clubs are suddenly packed again, not with youth, but with reporters seeking them. Apparently, investigative journalism is the new EDM, and 40-somethings are now the hottest demographic for De Dorstige Aap, ordering sparkling water and requesting softer music.

2026-05-29 Read

Babylon Bee

Chewbacca's Therapist Tries to Teach Him Not to Rip Arms Off

A brave therapist is attempting the impossible: teaching Chewbacca alternative anger management techniques beyond, you know, dismemberment. The sessions escalated after a holochess game left an IT technician armless, proving that even Wookiees need to learn that 'checkmate' doesn't require extreme bodily harm.

2026-05-29 Read

Reductress

Mastering the Art of Space Consumption: Trader Joe's Customer Edition

Ever wondered how to occupy as much space as a dedicated Trader Joe's shopper navigating the aisles? This guide offers tips on strategic cart placement and the subtle art of blocking entire sections with your existential musings.

2026-05-29 Read

The Daily Mash

Footballers' Pre-Match Ritual Involves Crashing Team Bus Into Arena Wall.

In a bold new strategy, Arsenal FC is reportedly preparing for their Champions League final by… well, by crashing their bus into a wall. Apparently, this is meant to enhance their 'collision avoidance skills' on the pitch. Or perhaps they're just really bad at parking.

2026-05-29 Read

Babylon Bee

California Declares Itself A Sanctuary State For Fraud.

Governor Newsom has officially signed legislation making California a sanctuary state for fraud. Because why not? Apparently, the state's economic model now relies on attracting every con artist from here to Timbuktu. Welcome, you lovely scammers!

2026-05-29 Read

The Onion

Pope Issues Encyclical On Disney's Star Wars Strategy, Fears Tower of Babel.

His Holiness Pope Leo XIV has graced us with a 60,000-word encyclical detailing the dire perils of Disney's Star Wars strategy, comparing it to a 'new Tower of Babel.' He's particularly concerned about the franchise losing its way and fears for humanity's moviegoing souls.

2026-05-29 Read

The Daily Mash

Parents yearn for son's beer-fueled adolescent rebellion, not Sontag.

These parents are tired of their teen's sophisticated discourse on Bauhaus and colonial literature. They'd much rather he projectile vomit on public transport and discuss football like a normal, less-intellectual teenager. Apparently, Susan Sontag is the new vaping.

2026-05-29 Read

The Daily Mash

Viewers confess ethical blind spots for exploitative reality TV shows.

In a stunning display of self-awareness (or lack thereof), people admit to watching reality TV that's clearly a dumpster fire of human misery. From serial killer weddings to the ethically questionable 'My Wife's Not Into It,' we all have our guilty pleasures.

2026-05-29 Read

The Onion

Future hit songs include brain-dead boyfriend heartbreak and alien race pivots.

Forget 'Summer of '69,' get ready for 'Summer of '26' with tunes like 'Pulling The Plug On My Brain-Dead Boyfriend' and 'Pivoting To A New Fictional Alien Race.' Also, apparently, BTS saw the face of death and Nelly figured out band-aid placement.

2026-05-29 Read

De Speld

Roland Garros suggests parasols and ice cubes for players battling scorching French heat.

Tennis players at Roland Garros are apparently expected to survive the heatwave with novel solutions like parasols, ice cubes in their pockets, and possibly gravel-cooled ankles. One player even needed a wheelchair after a match, but hey, at least their briefcases will be cool!

2026-05-29 Read

Le Gorafi

PSG Champions League win? Burn your SUV! A guide for celebrating victory by destroying status symbols.

If PSG wins the Champions League, joyously torching five specific SUVs is the way to go, according to this guide. These vehicles belong to 'woke-dodging' entrepreneurs and 'non-deconstructed' dads, so their fiery demise is practically a public service.

2026-05-29 Read