Page 29 of our collection of absurdities.
His Holiness Pope Leo XIV has graced us with a 60,000-word encyclical detailing the dire perils of Disney's Star Wars strategy, comparing it to a 'new Tower of Babel.' He's particularly concerned about the franchise losing its way and fears for humanity's moviegoing souls.
These parents are tired of their teen's sophisticated discourse on Bauhaus and colonial literature. They'd much rather he projectile vomit on public transport and discuss football like a normal, less-intellectual teenager. Apparently, Susan Sontag is the new vaping.
In a stunning display of self-awareness (or lack thereof), people admit to watching reality TV that's clearly a dumpster fire of human misery. From serial killer weddings to the ethically questionable 'My Wife's Not Into It,' we all have our guilty pleasures.
Forget 'Summer of '69,' get ready for 'Summer of '26' with tunes like 'Pulling The Plug On My Brain-Dead Boyfriend' and 'Pivoting To A New Fictional Alien Race.' Also, apparently, BTS saw the face of death and Nelly figured out band-aid placement.
Tennis players at Roland Garros are apparently expected to survive the heatwave with novel solutions like parasols, ice cubes in their pockets, and possibly gravel-cooled ankles. One player even needed a wheelchair after a match, but hey, at least their briefcases will be cool!
If PSG wins the Champions League, joyously torching five specific SUVs is the way to go, according to this guide. These vehicles belong to 'woke-dodging' entrepreneurs and 'non-deconstructed' dads, so their fiery demise is practically a public service.
Willem Engel, rapper K.A.F.K.A., and Famke Louise have launched their 'alternative corona commission,' which plans to interrogate health officials with torches. Apparently, they're seeking answers about chemtrails and whether elites want to subjugate us all with toxic vaccines. Because, naturally, that’s the logical next step after their conspiracy theories.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth argues he's superior to past leaders, boasting about his physical fitness and unauthorized regime changes. He dismisses concerns about 'rules of engagement' and 'international law,' preferring a doctrine of 'FAF0 backed by overwhelming known violence' against military-aged males. Because who needs diplomacy when you have dumbbells and a thirst for chaos?
Meta Glasses users are experiencing a disturbing bug that forces them to relive Mark Zuckerberg's most awkward moments, from his first beer to congressional hearings. Apparently, the VR experience includes existential dread and the ghost of Priscilla Chan judging your choices. It's a small price to pay for technological advancement, right?
Europeans have collectively announced that their love for Michael Jackson is eternal and unaffected by any accusations of impropriety. They'll continue blasting his hits in discotheques, firmly believing that 'age of consent laws are different here' and that a pet chimp is just a quirky accessory. At least they're consistent, like their love for Roman Polanski.
A pit bull, clearly tired of fetch, was observed making a dramatic throat-slitting gesture while its owner was distracted. Perhaps the dog is auditioning for a new role, or maybe it's just expressing its deep-seated existential angst. Either way, who needs a mask when you have a villainous canine?
Kacey Musgraves, a country star with 'sonically conservative, lyrically liberal' tendencies, apparently uses her Grammys as bongs and considers Sandy Cheeks her biggest rival. Discovered abandoned by a bachelorette party, her biggest controversy is selling non-size-inclusive dog bandanas. Truly, a beacon of modern country music.
According to Middle East expert Bert Bokhoven, we should all focus on the positive: Israel is *not* going to occupy 30% of Gaza. This optimistic 'rethinking' extends to international law, where 30% of human rights also remain wonderfully unviolated. Isn't that just peachy?
In a devastating turn of events, one of the last authentic 'brown cafes' could have been a trendy coffee shop all along. Forget stale beer and boiled eggs; the future, apparently, involves cold-pressed coconut espresso and artisanal fries, with a side of existential dread.
Feeling the heat? Le Gorafi Magazine has you covered with 100 artificially generated images of icebergs to cool you down. Because who needs actual climate change news when you can stare at digital frost?
The world's most pressing question: why was Tom Hardy *really* fired from that obscure TV show? Fear not, we've invented six spectacularly untrue reasons, ranging from keeping Helen Mirren on the edge (literally) to his unwavering loyalty to MySpace.
Forget natural disasters, the biggest atmospheric event over the Netherlands is now a giant vape cloud from a group of teens in Almere. Meteorologists mistook it for a fire, proving youth culture's power to eclipse even wildfire concerns. Apparently, the solution is just to tell them to vape less, or maybe just further apart.
After years of failed attempts, the Montijo brothers finally convinced their home-bound father to travel by promising to show him the 'impressive Norwegian fjords.' One can only imagine the father's reaction when he realizes the journey involves actual travel and not just a cozy armchair tour.
Apparently, your office buddies really don't need to know about your 48-hour wankathon or your plans to cry over your life choices. Stick to vague answers about 'drinks with friends' and maybe, just maybe, keep the clandestine affairs and intense self-pity to yourself for everyone's sanity.
This article, bafflingly titled 'Quote: Man met bloedende hand' (Man with bleeding hand), offers no context, leaving us to ponder the existential implications of a wounded digit. Perhaps it's a profound metaphor, or maybe he just needs a band-aid.
Get ready to bid on a truly priceless artifact: a previously-sipped water bottle from cycling's very own bladder-buster, Victor Campenaerts! Imagine the sweat, the glory, the lingering lukewarm electrolyte flavor! Just mutter 'getver' (gross) and you might own this piece of history.
The hospitality industry is in a pickle, lamenting their inability to find cheap labor for the summer rush. Apparently, offering poverty wages and calling it 'experience' isn't attracting the hordes of eager workers they envisioned. Shocking, I know.
Forget currency, our esteemed former president is considering plastering his golden visage on everything from flags to Mount Rushmore, because clearly, America's greatest icons are just placeholders waiting for his superior mug. Who needs historical figures when you have Trump's 'Resolute' dance move?
In a groundbreaking study, a panel of devoted fans has crowned 'Do you get the ref?' the most preferred quote from Scary Movie. Apparently, the film bombards viewers with over 34,000 cinematic references, forcing audiences to constantly nudge their neighbors and demand confirmation of their pop culture prowess.
Madrid is abuzz with preparations for Pope Leon XIV's visit, a spectacle poised to be the year's biggest event. While the city is rolling out the red carpet, the real question on everyone's mind is where His Holiness will be bunking during his stay.
Critics are raving about 'The Backrooms,' a film so terrifyingly boring, it makes you question why demons don't just possess kangaroos. Apparently, supernatural beings are bad at strategic placement and prefer to be trapped in glass cases or stick to convoluted death plans.
In a move that screams 'priorities,' a political party is now threatening to pull funding from the SBS unless Israel scores big in the FIFA World Cup. Apparently, Eurovision wasn't enough of a diplomatic crisis for them.
The Mountain Goats, masters of niche concepts, have dropped a new album inspired by... wait for it... previous Mountain Goats albums. Critics are calling it a groundbreaking exploration of narcissism.
Forget expensive therapists, folks! Apparently, a full four-season binge of The Sopranos counts as 'doing the work.' Who knew Tony Soprano's existential dread was so therapeutically beneficial?
A TikTok tutorial for 'looksmaxxing' has been exposed as a pirated copy of a body-horror film featuring facial mutilation and parasites. Apparently, achieving peak attractiveness now involves tapeworms and self-dismemberment.
Because apparently, running from bulls or chasing cheese down a hill wasn't dangerous enough, Pamplona and Gloucestershire are combining their events. Now, participants can simultaneously flee enraged bovines and dairy products down a near-vertical incline. What could possibly go wrong?
Ten years after a primate tragedy, the world is still reeling from Harambe's untimely demise. Apparently, his ghost is single-handedly responsible for everything from bad Wi-Fi to global warming. Who knew a gorilla could wield such cosmic power?
Forget democracy, the real reason our esteemed legislators meet under the cloak of darkness is to escape the scorching sun. They've officially confirmed that passing laws is best done when it's cooler, possibly fueled by late-night caffeine and the occasional Netflix binge.
FIFA is apparently losing sleep because tourists are more interested in posing with giant axolotl statues than with their precious stadiums. Seems the amphibians are winning the popularity contest, much to Gianni Infantino's chagrin.
In a stunning display of marketing ineptitude, Starbucks Korea managed to offend with an ad, proving that sometimes, even coffee shops can't get it right. The chairman bowed thrice, presumably to apologize for not being able to sell lattes without invoking violent historical events.
In a bid to connect with the 'average Texan,' a local politician is reportedly taking 'not acting gay' lessons from Governor Tim Walz. One can only imagine the curriculum for this highly specialized, deeply necessary political seminar.
Apparently, 'freedom' for kids lasts about as long as a free margarita at happy hour. Parents worldwide are frantically Googling 'military schools' mere minutes into summer, proving their parenting philosophy is 'tough love' and possibly 'I need a vacation from you.'
Looks like FC Dragonez played a masterful game of 'dine and dash' in Medellín, stiffing a local restaurant out of three days' worth of food. Apparently, they took the 'away game' concept a bit too literally by taking food away from the restaurant... without paying.
Scientists have finally cracked the code on iced coffee's existential lifespan. Depending on atmospheric conditions and your personal thirst, it's either gone faster than your motivation on a Monday or lasts just long enough for a second sip.
In a shocking development that has sent ripples of disbelief through the corporate world, one woman's brief foray into her personal inbox has apparently halted all work. Productivity has never been so fragile.
Feeling lost? In despair? The secret to conquering life's chaos might just be a coordinated top and bottom. Forget therapy and self-help books; your destiny awaits in the coordinated apparel aisle.
Listerine isn't just cleaning your mouth; it's creating post-apocalyptic survivor stories. The remaining 0.1% of germs are now traumatized witnesses, spreading tales of minty annihilation and God-fearing mouthwash.
In a bold move to streamline justice, the DOJ has launched a sweeping criminal investigation targeting all women. Authorities are determined to find out who's responsible for this widespread 'woman-ness' epidemic.
Senator Warren is barking up a new tree with a proposed 90% tax on puppies. Presumably, the revenue will be used to build a national treat reserve or perhaps fund therapy for those who can't afford the cuteness.
Apparently, Dr. Biden thought Joe was just 'acting' presidential during a debate, not having a medical emergency. She wisely decided to let him 'play it out' on stage, which is totally a normal response.
Are you burdened by the sheer weight of your holiday bonus, letting it languish for weeks? Fear not, for a benevolent company is here to liberate you! For a small, undisclosed price, they promise to relieve you of that troublesome cash, leaving you with only an 'unclear product' and a lighter wallet. Truly, a modern miracle!
In a bold move, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney has replaced a departing climate activist's seat with a ceremonial burning tar sands tailings pond. Apparently, this fiery display is meant to symbolize something, perhaps the government's commitment to a cleaner, more flammable future. It's certainly a more hands-on approach than a sternly worded letter.
Forget Iceland's tourist traps; Michoacán, Mexico, now boasts a homeowner who discovered a geyser erupting in their backyard. Apparently, Mother Nature decided to spice things up, turning a midnight slumber into a hot water spectacle. Now, their patio is a muddy, scalding natural spa, and who knows, maybe they'll start a national park for hot-tubbing lizards.
In a move that has baffled and amused the internet, a woman in Tamaulipas, Mexico, was caught on camera stealing a calculator from an ice cream shop. She's already earned the moniker 'Lady Calculadora,' proving that petty theft can lead to viral fame, especially when the stolen item is as exciting as an abacus in the digital age.
A Kansas family is feeling the economic pinch, bravely facing rising prices on essentials like gas, groceries, and... Netflix, DoorDash, their Discount Wine Club, and a Pie-of-the-Month subscription. Apparently, basic survival now includes artisanal baked goods and delivered meals, because who needs rent when you have pie?
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