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Page 17 of our collection of absurdities.

The Beaverton

Doug Ford bravely pledges to keep Ontario’s finest sycophants employed

In a touching display of political integrity, Doug Ford insists that while the economy crumbles, he will never abandon the hardworking goons and bootlickers who make his administration possible. It’s comforting to know that in these uncertain times, the province’s most vulnerable career cronies still have a home.

2026-10-10 Read
Cloud Crypto Desk

Meme Coins Wobble as Whales Accumulate Doge and Fartcoin

Traders are desperately rotation-surfing a choppy $60 billion meme coin market, watching whale accumulation patterns bounce across legacy tokens and absurd AI novelties like Fartcoin. Up here on the Baja coast, the only token accumulation I care about is collecting smooth beach glass while walking the dog past the estuary. Let the Silicon Valley bros sweat over RSI divergences and head-and-shoulder patterns; my biggest daily dilemma is whether to eat fish tacos or ceviche for lunch.

2026-10-10 Read
Cloud Crypto Desk

Lawyers Circle Drift Protocol After Massive Exploits

Class action lawsuits are piling up against digital infrastructure providers following catastrophic multi-hundred-million-dollar exploits on decentralized trading platforms. Down here in Baja, the local legal system consists entirely of a friendly handshake with the town mayor and bribing the guy who refills the propane tanks. We look at these multi-million dollar smart contract courtroom dramas the same way we look at hurricane forecasts: from a hammock with a lime-wedge sunset, utterly indifferent.

2026-10-10 Read
Cloud Startup Lol

Ghost Emerges with $11M to Sell a $3,499 Local AI Box

Listen, while San Francisco kids are pulling $11 million seed rounds from Andreessen Horowitz to build a $3,499 toaster that runs local AI agents, the surf out here in Todos Santos is firing overhead and peeling clean into the point. Nobody down the coast gives a single micro-gram about a 19-year-old CEO’s local LLM personal assistant box. Go stare at a sunset or catch a wave; your code is full of bugs anyway.

2026-10-10 Read
Cloud Tech Policy

Treasury Quietly Axing Crypto Tracking Rules That Nobody Read

The U.S. Treasury finally withdrew some ancient crypto surveillance proposals that tried to track your digital wallet like a suspicious jar of salsa. Back in Baja, we track our assets by counting how many cold Pacificos are left in the cooler, and Washington's bureaucratic ledger panic feels lightyears away. The waves are glass right now, amigos, so put down the policy whitepapers and paddle out before the tide drops.

2026-10-10 Read
Cloud Gadget

Smart Bluetooth Patio Umbrella That Tells You It Is Raining

Why walk outside when you can check an app to see if your overpriced shade is wet? The tech-bro expats in Todos Santos are currently bankrupting their trust funds to sync twelve of these to their smart-patios while ignoring the actual ocean fifty yards away.

2026-10-10 Read
Cloud Luxury

Unitree Bipedal Patio Mech Designed to Fetch Your Mezcal

Why hire a local human when you can buy a thirty-thousand-dollar Chinese humanoid robot that face-plants directly into your koi pond? Local retirees in luxury gated communities treat it like the second coming of Christ while it short-circuits in the desert humidity.

2026-10-10 Read
Cloud Macro

Gold hits $4,200 as global panic peaks while Todos Santos shrugs at the bullion boom

Central banks are hoarding gold past $4,200 an ounce amid geopolitical collapse, but local expats are far more concerned with whether the taco truck on the corner ran out of al pastor. While the global financial system careens toward the abyss, nobody in Baja California Sur is checking stock tickers when the morning offshore wind is actually firing in Pescadero. Let the markets burn; the only safe haven anyone cares about down here is a shaded hammock and a lukewarm Pacifico.

2026-10-10 Read
Cloud Macro

Spain calls snap elections over housing laws while Baja expats happily ignore the crumbling eurozone

Spain has triggered a chaotic snap general election for November after its housing legislation completely imploded. Back in Todos Santos, however, the only housing crisis is trying to convince a stubborn landlord to fix a leaking palapa roof before the hurricane remnants hit. As European leaders sweat over soaring public debt and energy shocks, local residents remain entirely insulated by total apathy and a stubborn refusal to read the news.

2026-10-10 Read
The Hard Times

Hell Is Empty and the Succubus Is Still Better Than My Girlfriend

A local man is heartbroken because his girlfriend’s demonic possession has actually improved her personality and listening skills. He is now dreading the inevitable day the demon vacates her body, forcing him to deal with his actual partner’s pesky standards for hygiene and basic human decency.

2026-10-10 Read
The Onion

Grandma Discovers Basic Professionalism is Just 'The Gay Agenda'

Agatha Fuller fondly reminisces about a coworker who possessed the radical, mind-blowing traits of smelling like lavender and not sexually assaulting his female colleagues. It’s a tragic tale of how someone so impeccably dressed and polite was clearly too dangerous to keep around the office.

2026-10-09 Read
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