The Daily Mash

World's first trillionaire confirmed to be Bond villain, now with more 'frothing bigots.'

Great news! The world's first trillionaire will be a benevolent overlord with a penchant for global fascism and late-night mushroom trips. Forget world peace; we're getting National Socialism 2.0, courtesy of a tech mogul who apparently hates you and controls your internet.

2026-06-12 Read

De Speld

Canada's World Cup Hosting: A Global Farce, or Just Really Hot?

Apparently, FIFA thought hosting a World Cup in North America was a grand idea, despite Canada's questionable international relations and the blistering heat that will surely cook the players. But don't worry, Gianni Infantino is 'struggling' as the show, like a runaway burrito, must go on.

2026-06-12 Read

De Speld

American Soccer: A Sport They Tolerate More Than Capoeira

Apparently, Americans will grudgingly watch the World Cup, but only because it's on. They find soccer about as engaging as watching someone do a fancy dance, which is truly saying something.

2026-06-12 Read

The Daily Mash

Prime Minister's Job in Jeopardy: Two Resignations, Unforeseen Existential Dread

Just when the Prime Minister thought their reign was as stable as a toddler on a sugar rush, two ministers decide to bail. Now, the media's back to its old tricks, calling for resignation, proving that even a fractional defense budget increase can't shield them from the relentless tide of political chaos.

2026-06-12 Read

The Daily Mash

Gen Z Invents New Dating Terms: Prepare for 'Tescoing' and 'Adrian Chilesing'

Forget swiping left or right, Gen Z is busy creating a lexicon of romantic despair, including 'Shrekking' (being rejected by someone less attractive) and 'Tescoing' (settling for convenience over quality). Get ready to 'Adrian Chiles' your way through dating, whatever that means.

2026-06-12 Read

De Speld

Man Prefers Predicting World Cup Scores to Actual Foreplay, Spends Two Hours 'Predicting'

This Amsterdam dude, bless his heart, finds a minute of foreplay an eternity but can happily 'predict' World Cup results for hours. He's apparently a world champion at work-poolties, so clearly, his predictions are as reliable as a screen door on a submarine.

2026-06-12 Read

De Speld

UWV Investigates 'Culture of Fear' After Realizing Employees Fear Losing Their Jobs.

In a shocking turn of events, the UWV discovered that employees might be afraid of losing their jobs, leading to a 'culture of fear.' Apparently, they're too busy managing overflowing agendas to participate in anything that might, you know, help them.

2026-06-12 Read

El Mundo Today

Tenant Rents Furnished Flat, Furniture Claims to Be Landlord's Mom. Can It Be Sold on Wallapop?

A tenant's rented flat comes with a peculiar piece of furniture that insists it's the landlord's mother. This raises a vital question for the confused renter: can this spectral sofa be listed on Wallapop for a quick buck?

2026-06-12 Read

The Daily Mash

England Flags: A Racist's Guide to Avoiding Unintentional Patriotism

Apparently, some folks are struggling to distinguish between genuine national pride and overt bigotry when waving the St. George's flag. This handy guide suggests blatant labeling, public announcements, or perhaps a golliwog or two to clarify your truly enlightened views.

2026-06-12 Read

The Hard Times

Coca-Cola's 'Refreshing' Response to Bullying: Targeted Ads for Gay Teen.

In a move that's *totally* not a cash grab, Coca-Cola decided the best way to support a bullied gay teen was with an avalanche of targeted ads. Because nothing screams 'we care' like a personalized soda campaign during Pride Month.

2026-06-12 Read

The Hard Times

Conservative Man Claims Grindr App is for Power Tools, Wife Unconvinced.

A staunch conservative's attempt to explain his Grindr usage as a power tool app is about as believable as a vegan at a Texas BBQ. Apparently, 'power bottoms' and 'drilling' have *very* different meanings depending on your political affiliation... and your wife's skepticism.

2026-06-12 Read

The Hard Times

'Republican Jesus' Magically Transforms Squirt Guns Into AR-15s at MAGA Wedding.

Forget turning water into wine; this 'Republican Jesus' turns harmless squirt guns into AR-15s, because what MAGA wedding isn't complete without a little assault rifle miracle? Conservative Christians are ditching their churches for this messiah, who also apparently cured herpes... by giving it to someone first.

2026-06-12 Read

Babylon Bee

World Cup Stadiums Empty: Tourists Apparently Prefer Buc-ee's Over Global Soccer Spectacle

Apparently, the allure of a gas station convenience store with oddly pristine restrooms trumps even the global phenomenon of the World Cup. Who needs exhilarating goals when you can get a Beaver Nugget and a clean toilet?

2026-06-11 Read

El Deforma

FIFA Bans Haitian Independence Battle from Soccer Uniforms for Being 'Too Political'

FIFA, in its infinite wisdom, has deemed Haiti's independence battle illustration on their World Cup jersey too 'problematic.' Apparently, celebrating freedom from oppressors is now a political statement too radical for the beautiful game.

2026-06-11 Read

El Deforma

FIFA Declares War on Words: Bars and Taquerias Face Fines for Using 'World Cup'

Get ready to speak in riddles, Mexico! FIFA has declared war on common vocabulary, threatening fines for using words like 'FIFA' or 'Mundial' in your local taqueria. Apparently, the beautiful game requires beautiful, silence.

2026-06-11 Read

El Deforma

Hugo Sánchez, Football Legend, Joins Mundane Fan Queue for World Cup Inauguration

In a shocking display of 'humble patience,' Mexican football icon Hugo Sánchez was spotted queuing like a commoner for the World Cup inauguration. He reportedly contemplated a bicycle kick to speed things up, proving even legends can't escape the slow march of bureaucracy.

2026-06-11 Read

Reductress

Woman Declares Hot Dogs Disgusting, Then Immediately Accepts One

A woman's commitment to her culinary principles is as strong as a wet paper bag, as she vehemently denounces hot dogs only to eagerly accept one moments later. Her taste buds clearly have a better memory than she does.

2026-06-11 Read

Reductress

Commencement Speaker Delivers Speech Entirely Composed of Hopeless Shrugs

Forget inspiring words, this commencement speaker decided to communicate their profound message of nihilism through a series of increasingly dramatic shrugs. Congratulations graduates, your future is as clear as a foggy mirror.

2026-06-11 Read

Reductress

Mom Excitedly Wants to Have Text Conversation... Over the Phone

In a groundbreaking technological leap, Mom is thrilled to finally have that text conversation... but through the ancient art of vocal communication. Prepare for emojis to be replaced by tone of voice and the occasional dropped call.

2026-06-11 Read

Reductress

Report: Basketball is Apparently the Only Thing Making New Yorkers Friendlier

In a stunning revelation, studies show that the only known antidote to New Yorker grumpiness is a basketball. Apparently, nothing softens a hardened Manhattanite like the rhythmic bounce of a ball and the shared agony of a missed shot.

2026-06-11 Read

The Onion

Fewer Americans Care About Democracy, Young People Least Of All. Shocking!

A recent poll reveals that a dwindling number of Americans, particularly the youth, consider democracy essential to national identity. Apparently, 'live mas' is the new patriotic slogan.

2026-06-11 Read

Babylon Bee

Billionaire Musk Nears $1 Trillion, Finally Poised To Become Literal Batman

With his bank account swelling faster than a bat-signal in Gotham, Elon Musk is reportedly on the verge of having enough disposable income to finally don the cape and cowl.

2026-06-11 Read

Babylon Bee

Trump Declares Victory Over Iran For The 27th Time This Year

In a stunning display of geopolitical prowess, Donald Trump has once again conquered Iran, bringing his annual war-winning streak to an astounding 27. The actual Iran remains unimpressed.

2026-06-11 Read

Babylon Bee

Spurs Bench to Have EMTs On Standby for Expected Choking Incidents

In a preemptive strike against impending doom, the San Antonio Spurs will station emergency medical technicians courtside to ensure players don't choke... on their own mediocrity. It's for their health!

2026-06-11 Read

The Daily Mash

Army Promises to Gloriously Detonate Your Donations: A Fiscal Fiesta!

The Army, in a move that's both fiscally responsible and wildly entertaining, has confirmed they'll be blowing up any money you give them. Because who needs sensible investments when you can have explosions?

2026-06-11 Read

El Deforma

Tulum Businesses Fume Over Azteca Stadium's World Cup Prices: 'Our Coconuts Cost Less!'

Tulum entrepreneurs, masters of charging tourist-level prices for basic necessities, are aghast at the Estadio Azteca's World Cup concessions. Apparently, their $250 avocado tostadas suddenly seem reasonable next to $310 beers.

2026-06-11 Read

Babylon Bee

Bill Gates Grilled by Congress: Grilled for Epstein and That Vista Glitch

Bill Gates found himself in the congressional hot seat, not just for his questionable acquaintance with Jeffrey Epstein, but also for the lingering trauma of Windows Vista. It's a true 'worst of' moments hearing.

2026-06-11 Read

El Mundo Today

Ethical Telecom Operator Solves Problems, Uncovers Existential Dread and Anti-Capitalist Rants

Customers calling 'Somos Conexión' for tech support often end up unloading their life grievances and rants about capitalism onto the surprisingly patient operators. Apparently, 'ethical' means listening to your existential crisis before fixing your Wi-Fi.

2026-06-11 Read

El Deforma

Mexicans Plan To Bring Visas To Azteca Stadium For Entry Amidst World Cup Chaos

In a brilliant display of bureaucratic optimism, Mexican fans are showing up to the Azteca with visas, convinced it's the new VIP pass for the World Cup. Forget tickets, your immigration status is now the ultimate flex.

2026-06-11 Read

El Deforma

Diego Luna Gracefully Graces 'Cretino' Podcast, Discusses Career and 'Mexico 86'

Esteemed actor Diego Luna visited 'Cretino' podcast, discussing his illustrious career and his role in 'Mexico 86'. He even got a World Cup sticker album pack and found his own fictional character, proving even stars need good luck charms.

2026-06-11 Read

The Onion

Congresswoman Proposes Segregating Gubernatorial Races By Gender

Because one gender is clearly superior at governing, a bill is introduced to ensure separate races for male and female governors. Because nothing says 'equality' like keeping the political arena strictly gender-segregated.

2026-06-11 Read

The Onion

Trump Boys Fuel UFC Fight Prep With Indulgent Sour Cream Consumption

In a display of peak athletic conditioning, the Trump boys are bulking up for a UFC fight by chugging sour cream. Apparently, their fighting strategy involves dairy-induced intimidation and a potential lactose intolerance sideline.

2026-06-11 Read

Babylon Bee

World's Least Popular Sport Organizes Miniature Tournament For Its Few Devoted Fans

In a shocking turn of events, the least popular sport globally is holding a tiny tournament, proving that even obscurity can gather a crowd... albeit a very, very small one.

2026-06-11 Read

De Speld

Gaudí Out of Work After Sagrada Familia Finish: Seeking New Gigs, Preferably Long-Term.

After a mere 144 years, Antoni Gaudí's Sagrada Familia is finally complete, leaving the architect unemployed and desperately seeking his next project. He's even updated his LinkedIn with the #opentowork badge, hoping to snag a gig with a company that appreciates his unique, decades-long approach to construction.

2026-06-11 Read

El Mundo Today

Drug Lord Confesses All, Mistaking Police Interrogation for a Beer Podcast.

In a brilliant maneuver, Spain's National Police tricked a drug trafficker into confessing his crimes by making him believe he was being interviewed for a popular beer podcast. Apparently, the promise of suds and a microphone is more persuasive than standard police procedure.

2026-06-11 Read

De Speld

Fascist Party's 'Dark Side' Revealed: Antisemitism, Nazi Songs, and Reptilian Elites!

A documentary exposes the 'dark side' of a Dutch political party, revealing alleged Holocaust denial, antisemitic remarks, and bizarre theories about reptilian overlords. Apparently, even fascists have their own 'Twilight Zone' episode.

2026-06-11 Read

Le Gorafi

The 'Slightly Dirty, Not-Quite-Laundry-Worthy' Laundry Pile Now UNESCO World Heritage!

In a move that surprised absolutely no one who has ever lived in a house, the 'in-between-clean-and-dirty' laundry pile has been inducted into the UNESCO World Heritage list. It's Schrödinger's laundry: simultaneously wearable and needing a wash.

2026-06-11 Read

The Onion

Taylor Swift Cuts Travis Kelce's Wedding Trampoline Wishlist from 13 to 'One, Maybe Three'.

Taylor Swift, ever the pragmatist, has advised fiancé Travis Kelce to scale back his wedding registry's trampoline collection. Apparently, '13 trampolines' is a bit much, even if it *is* his favorite number.

2026-06-11 Read

The Onion

Mr. Met's Mission: Convert Uncontacted Amazon Tribes to Mets Fandom.

In a bold move, the New York Mets are sending their mascot, Mr. Met, to the Amazon to spread the gospel of baseball to uncontacted tribes. Let's hope they don't already have a favorite NL East team.

2026-06-11 Read

The Onion

Website 'IWasPoisoned.com' Launches Teen Accounts for Parental Oversight of Food Poisoning Reports.

Parents can now micromanage their teens' exposure to graphic descriptions of food poisoning. Because nothing says 'childhood development' like curated content on listeria and norovirus.

2026-06-11 Read

The Onion

Noah Kahan's Tour Halted as Singer Refuses to Descend from Tree.

Singer Noah Kahan has brought his tour to a standstill by refusing to come down from a tree, presumably contemplating the profound mysteries of foliage. Roadies are reportedly considering a giant acorn.

2026-06-11 Read

El Mundo Today

Ryanair Investigated for Charging Extra for the "Miracle of Flight"

Apparently, defying gravity is a luxury service, and Ryanair is charging passengers for the "miracle of soaring like a bird, as a human." Pray tell, what's next, a surcharge for breathing?

2026-06-11 Read

The Onion

White House Hosts UFC Fight; Numbers Suggest More Lions Than Logic

The White House is trading diplomacy for octagon dust, with Trump's 80th birthday coinciding with UFC Freedom 250. With lions on standby and future Supreme Court justices in the ring, it's just another Tuesday.

2026-06-11 Read

Le Gorafi

Minister of Ecological Transition Discovers Her Own Existence After Nine Months

In a stunning revelation, Monique Barbut, 69, learned she's been France's Minister of Ecological Transition since October, having missed all communication due to, well, nothing happening ecologic-wise. She's now trying to reach the President, presumably to discuss her forgotten portfolio over a half-time tea.

2026-06-11 Read

The Daily Mash

Guide for 'Gammons': How to Survive Women Presenting the World Cup

For those whose delicate sensibilities are shattered by 35% female World Cup presenters, fear not! This guide suggests pretending it's porn, playing a drinking game, or viewing them as a sudoku challenge. Alternatively, one could just take up rugby.

2026-06-11 Read

The Daily Mash

Lewis & Kim Go Instagram Official: Online Dating Trends for the Utterly Clueless

Forget real feelings, darling! The latest dating fads involve parading your partner like a trophy for clout and pretending a blurry selfie means you're married. Apparently, checking if your date is a serial killer is now considered 'identity certainty' and a charming icebreaker.

2026-06-11 Read

De Speld

Belfast Catholics and Protestants Unite: Shared Hatred for Immigrants Finally Brings Peace!

After centuries of feuding, Belfast's Catholics and Protestants have finally found common ground: hating foreigners. Forget peace accords, the real unity is in evicting immigrants, proving that some prejudices are eternal, and far more unifying than love.

2026-06-11 Read

El Mundo Today

Pope's Visit Complete, Barcelona Dismantles Sagrada Familia: 'We Got the Selfie, That's Enough!'

In a move that will surely baffle architects for centuries, Barcelona has begun dismantling the Sagrada Familia immediately after the Pope's visit. Apparently, Gaudí's masterpiece was only built for His Holiness to admire, and now that he's seen it, it can go.

2026-06-11 Read

The Daily Mash

Scotland Eliminated From World Cup Before Playing: 'We Achieved Our Dream of Not Playing!'

Scotland has managed the incredible feat of being knocked out of the World Cup before their first game, a true testament to their spirit. Fans are unsurprised, as their team proudly heads home, having achieved more than they ever hoped: absolutely nothing on the pitch.

2026-06-11 Read

Le Gorafi

SNCF First Class: Now featuring tranquilizer darts for unruly passengers!

Tired of noisy children disrupting your first-class journey? The SNCF is rolling out tranquilizer darts, because apparently, a peaceful train ride is best achieved through sedation. Just aim, shoot, and enjoy the sweet, silent slumber of your fellow passengers.

2026-06-11 Read