The Daily Mash

Seagull Claims Royal Poop Was Actually a Deeply Political Act of Republican Critique

A seagull, apparently a spokesperson for the avian proletariat, claims its well-aimed droppings on the King were a multi-layered critique of global capitalism and hereditary monarchy. It seems the chips weren't shared equitably, and a royal visit to Northern Ireland was simply the last straw.

2026-05-21 Read

Le Gorafi

God Upgrades Afterlife Experience with X2 Speed Option to Skip Boring Bits

In a major update, the Big Guy upstairs has finally listened to our complaints and will now allow souls to fast-forward through their boring life moments before death. Apparently, fifty years of uneventful existence is too much for even the most patient departed, so now you can speed-run your memories like a TikTok video. Premium options include commentary from sports announcers or a Hans Zimmer soundtrack.

2026-05-21 Read

The Chaser

Wong's Fierce Diplomacy: Skips 'Hope You're Well' in Email to Netanyahu

Australia's Foreign Affairs Minister Penny Wong has taken an unprecedentedly strong stance against Israeli actions by omitting the polite 'hope you're well' from an email. Insiders suggest this diplomatic snub, along with offering instant coffee instead of a latte to the Israeli ambassador, could escalate tensions. The world watches with bated breath.

2026-05-21 Read

The Daily Mash

Man Utterly Disgusted by His Own Job Application Jargon

A job seeker has revealed the sheer horror of writing cover letters, confessing that the corporate buzzwords make him feel like a 'snivelling maggot'. He's so disgusted by his own 'proactive self-starter' prose that he fears his family might disown him if they ever read it. Meanwhile, employers won't even read the application.

2026-05-21 Read

De Speld

Kindergarten Teacher's Brutally Honest Diary Entry Goes Viral

A weary kindergarten teacher has accidentally revealed her true feelings about her job, admitting the kids are incoherent and her dates are disappointing. She confesses to faking enthusiasm with exclamation points and dreads singing 'Finger Family' one more time. Apparently, adulting and bills just aren't as fun as they seem.

2026-05-21 Read

The Daily Mash

Reality TV Execs Brainstorm Ideas Too Terrible to Reject

Apparently, the minds behind reality TV are so devoid of common sense that no idea is too appalling to consider. From naked dating shows to transphobic pranks and experiments designed to incite violence, it seems the only criteria for a show is 'will anyone get hurt or humiliated?' Because if not, where's the fun?

2026-05-21 Read

The Hard Times

Van Halen's 'Hot for Teacher' Fails California's Common Core Standards, Obviously.

In a groundbreaking study, sociologists have discovered that Van Halen's iconic 'Hot for Teacher' music video falls short on several Common Core Education Standards. Apparently, bikinis and rock anthems aren't the best tools for teaching textual evidence or coherent writing.

2026-05-21 Read

The Hard Times

Sociologists Discover Midday Coffee Perfect First Date for Anxious Poopers.

Who needs romance when you have digestive distress? Sociologists have confirmed that a midday coffee date is the ideal first outing for those who enjoy public panic attacks and frequent bathroom breaks. Because nothing says 'I love you' like a shared existential crisis over a latte.

2026-05-21 Read

The Beaverton

Parents Rejoice: 18-Year, $300,000 Financial Black Hole Now Officially Open For Business!

In a move that surprised absolutely no one who's ever met a baby, new parents Felicity and Ivan have enthusiastically embraced their newest venture: an 18-year, $300,000 investment with a guaranteed abysmal return. They're calling it 'Jody,' and experts predict it'll drain their resources faster than a tourist during high season.

2026-05-21 Read

The Shovel

Yacht Flotilla Protests Capital Gains Tax Hike, Citing Devastating Sacrifices Like Cheaper Marble.

Hundreds of luxury yachts gathered to protest new taxes, claiming the changes will force 'ordinary Australians' into unbearable hardship. Their suffering? Potentially downgrading from imported marble to local stone or letting go of a secondary financial advisor.

2026-05-21 Read

Babylon Bee

Politicians Pay Tucker Carlson Millions to Avoid His 'Support'

In a stunning display of political desperation, lawmakers are reportedly shelling out up to a million dollars to Tucker Carlson, not for his endorsement, but to *not* receive it. Apparently, his seal of approval has become the kiss of death for political careers.

2026-05-20 Read

Babylon Bee

DoorDash Debacle Leads to TikToker's Tragic, Tinfoil Hat-Worthy Demise

A Gen Z individual has allegedly met their untimely end, not by a rare disease or a tragic accident, but by the sheer inconvenience of a DoorDash driver experiencing a flat tire. Apparently, the ancient art of foraging for snacks or, you know, cooking, is a lost cause for this generation.

2026-05-20 Read

El Deforma

Chihuahua Flies Feds to NY: The Ultimate Convenience for Homeland Security!

Forget pesky layovers, Chihuahua's new flight to NYC is tailor-made for federal agents needing swift transit. They can finally transport those official vehicle stickers without the indignity of lost luggage or awkward encounters.

2026-05-20 Read

El Deforma

Morena Begs Sergio Mayer to Stay: 'Our Memes Depend On You!'

In a desperate plea, Morena is begging Sergio Mayer not to leave, citing his irreplaceable contributions to legislative memes and Spotify playlists. Mayer, ever the pragmatist, has declared his departure 'irrevocable,' leaving the party in collective hysteria.

2026-05-20 Read

El Deforma

Texcoco Airport Redeemed: Becomes 'Perfect Day' Theme Park, Because Why Not?

The unfinished Texcoco airport is being repurposed into a 'Perfect Day' theme park, proving that even abandoned mega-projects can find new life as water parks. Officials are thrilled, noting the runways are perfect for giant pools and the control tower ideal for slides.

2026-05-20 Read

El Deforma

Pumas vs. Cruz Azul Final Tickets Cost More Than Your Rent (Or a Small Car!)

Forget the World Cup, Mexican finals are where it's at, with Pumas vs. Cruz Azul tickets fetching up to 200,000 pesos. Apparently, the real sport is not playing the game, but scalping tickets for it.

2026-05-20 Read

Babylon Bee

Supreme Court to Decide Custody Battle: Who Called Shotgun?

In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court will finally settle the age-old sibling dispute: who gets dibs on the front seat. Experts predict this will set a precedent for all future family road trips.

2026-05-20 Read

Babylon Bee

UK Police Advise Citizens: 'Stop Getting Stabbed By Muslims!'

British authorities are urging citizens to take a novel approach to crime prevention: stop being stabbed by Muslims. This groundbreaking advice promises to simplify law enforcement by shifting the burden entirely onto potential victims.

2026-05-20 Read

Babylon Bee

Apostle John Expands Third Letter With Extra Margins and Giant Font

Faced with a word count shortage, the Apostle John employed a revolutionary tactic: extra-wide margins and a 22-point font. Apparently, divine inspiration sometimes requires a bit of digital typesetting.

2026-05-20 Read

Babylon Bee

Congressman Massie Achieves Peak Libertarianism: Unemployed Bliss!

Thomas Massie, a man so libertarian he might spontaneously combust, has finally earned his stripes. Turns out, true freedom isn't found in policy, but in the sweet, sweet liberation of unemployment.

2026-05-20 Read

Babylon Bee

Rep. Massie Blames Rural Kentucky Jews for His Troubles, Because Of Course.

In a move that surprised absolutely no one with a working knowledge of blame-deflection, Representative Thomas Massie has pointed his finger at the Jewish community of rural Kentucky for his recent primary loss. Apparently, the latkes were just too powerful.

2026-05-20 Read

The Daily Mash

Britain's Heatwave Preparedness: As Clueless As A Frog In A Desert.

Apparently, the Brits have absolutely no clue how to handle a little sunshine. One can only imagine the chaos as they grapple with the radical concept of... shade. Perhaps they should consult a local amphibian for survival tips.

2026-05-20 Read

El Mundo Today

Ex-King Laments Former PM's Legal Troubles, Calling It 'A Tremendous Disappointment'.

Former King Juan Carlos I, surprisingly concerned, has declared Zapatero's legal woes a 'tremendous disappointment' and 'a load of crap'. One can only imagine the royal sighs from his exile.

2026-05-20 Read

De Speld

Dutch Railways Trials Guillotine for Black Travelers, Promises Safer, Headless Commutes.

The Dutch railway system is taking 'cutting-edge' security measures by implementing a guillotine to deal with fare-dodgers. Passengers can rest assured that their commutes will be significantly safer, especially if they happen to be missing their heads.

2026-05-20 Read

Le Gorafi

Disneyland's Goofy Euthanized After Child's Jugular Mauled in Bizarre Photo Op Gone Wrong

In a shocking twist, Disneyland's beloved Goofy has reportedly been euthanized after a gruesome attack on a 6-year-old boy. Apparently, the character mistook fan excitement for aggression and decided to go full 'wild animal,' leaving Disney scrambling to explain why Mickey doesn't have the same issues.

2026-05-20 Read

Duffel Blog

VFW Confused: Younger Vets Don't Join Organization That Insults Them

The Veterans of Foreign Wars is baffled why younger veterans aren't flocking to join their ranks, despite their recruitment strategy focusing on telling them their wars don't count and that women shouldn't be allowed. Apparently, being 'built resilient' means enduring insults until you're too exhausted to sign up.

2026-05-20 Read

The Onion

Free Solo Climber Alex Honnold Suffers Panic Attack Atop Kitchen Step Ladder

World-renowned climber Alex Honnold experienced a terrifying ordeal this week, not on El Capitan, but on his kitchen step ladder while reaching for cookies. His harrowing 'free solo' ascent to the top of the cupboard nearly ended in disaster, proving that even the bravest are terrified of mild elevation gain.

2026-05-20 Read

The Onion

Rawlings Donates 50,000 Baseball Gloves To Ukraine Amidst Humanitarian Crisis

In a display of profound strategic thinking, Rawlings has donated 50,000 baseball gloves to Ukraine, presumably to help them field ground balls while dodging artillery. Apparently, the biggest crisis facing the nation is a shortage of outfielders, not existential threat.

2026-05-20 Read

The Onion

Gen Z Moves Home En Masse For Unrivaled Access To Triscuits, Study Finds

A recent study reveals that Gen Z adults are abandoning independence and moving back home, not for financial reasons, but for superior access to Triscuits. Apparently, the allure of perfectly toasted, woven crackers trumps rent and personal space for today's youth.

2026-05-20 Read

The Onion

Squirrel Unaware He's The Subject Of A Months-Long Feud With Local Homeowner

In a tale of profound existential disparity, a local squirrel remains blissfully unaware that he's embroiled in a bitter, months-long feud with a homeowner. Meanwhile, the homeowner likely spends his days plotting acorn-related revenge, while the squirrel just wants to bury nuts.

2026-05-20 Read

De Speld

Dutchman Denied Shelter, Complains About "Sick Country" Prioritizing Asylum Seekers

A Dutchman was reportedly denied entry to a refugee center in Ter Apel, not because he lacked papers, but because he was *too* Dutch. Apparently, asylum seekers get VIP treatment while citizens are told to sleep in crowded rooms or perhaps emigrate to Hungary.

2026-05-20 Read

El Mundo Today

Spanish Leftist Artists Shave Eyebrows in Solidarity With Accused Politician

In a shocking display of support for ex-president Zapatero, dozens of Spanish celebrities have shaved off their eyebrows. One can only assume they're trying to look as clueless as the political system itself.

2026-05-20 Read

El Mundo Today

Couple Convinced Pet Hamster Possesses 'High Capabilities' Due to Wheel Speed and 'Mature Gaze'

Forget Mensa, this hamster has achieved 'high capabilities' according to its doting owners, who cite its impressive wheel-running speed and a gaze they describe as 'mature.' Move over Einstein, there's a new genius in town, and it runs on a wheel.

2026-05-20 Read

The Daily Mash

Mancunian Explains 'Manchesterism': It's All About Pints, Chips, and Hating Liverpool

According to one proud Mancunian, 'Manchesterism' involves a strict diet of pints and chips, embracing relentless rain, and an almost religious hatred for anyone from Liverpool. Basically, it's a way of life that sounds suspiciously like a hangover.

2026-05-20 Read

The Chaser

DJ Albo's Ego Meltdown: When 'Chill Guy' Crumbles Under Woman's Opinion.

Apparently, the Prime Minister, AKA 'DJ Albo,' has a secret superpower: losing his cool whenever a woman dares to question his questionable actions. His 'chill guy persona' vanishes faster than a free margarita at happy hour, proving that even world leaders struggle with constructive criticism from the ladies.

2026-05-20 Read

The Daily Mash

BBC Ticks All the Boxes: Josh Widdicombe as Strictly Host is Peak Diversity.

The BBC brilliantly checks off its diversity quota by hiring Josh Widdicombe for Strictly, covering 'Hobbit,' 'Zippy-voiced,' and the ever-elusive 'straight white male' categories. Prepare for your parents to fume and ratings to soar as this unique casting choice angers the masses.

2026-05-20 Read

The Daily Mash

Southampton Spy Revealed: Middlesbrough Double Agent Masterminded Championship Chaos.

In a plot twist that would make James Bond blush, a Southampton spy was actually a Middlesbrough mole aiming for play-off glory via espionage. Apparently, parmos and cheap oil were better bribes than anything the South Coast could offer, ensuring Southampton's downfall and Middlesbrough's unlikely path to the Premier League.

2026-05-20 Read

De Speld

Dutch Herring: Sugar-Coated Vapes, Fusion Flavors, and Matcha for Gen Z

Struggling to entice youth with its briny charm, the herring is getting a makeover: doused in sugar, smashed into burgers, vaped for maximum addiction, and rebranded with trendy global names. Because if it's not matcha-flavored or street food-fusion, what's the point?

2026-05-20 Read

The Daily Mash

Church Decrees: Onanism Only a Sin If You're Hot, God's Blessing for the Ugly

The Church of England has helpfully clarified that self-pleasure is only a sin if you're attractive. Apparently, God's okay with lonely, unattractive folks getting their freak on, but if you're a ten and doing it solo, you're headed for hell. Share the love, hotties!

2026-05-20 Read

Le Gorafi

Parisian Entrepreneur Flees 'Out-of-Touch' Elite for Cannes' Authentic Charm

A wealthy crypto-whiz escapes Paris's bubble for Cannes, seeking relatable experiences like watching poor people gamble and embracing the inclusive beach atmosphere where only his wallet matters. Clearly, the true path to reality involves Michelin stars and a casino floor.

2026-05-20 Read

The Chaser

Party Whose Values Aussies Reject Demands Migrants Adopt 'Australian Values'

In a stunning display of self-awareness, a political party whose platform consistently loses elections is now demanding migrants embrace 'mainstream values.' Apparently, the plan is to deport the entire Liberal Party if they don't get with the program.

2026-05-20 Read

Clickhole

Taco Bell's New Tostada: A Marketing Masterpiece Only Certain Species Can Experience

Taco Bell unveils a tostada so exclusive, it can only be bought by men, seen by dogs, smelled by kids, and tasted by women. It's the perfect meal for that one, very specific, multi-species family gathering.

2026-05-20 Read

De Speld

Dutchman Protests Asylum Seekers with Beer, Defends 'Honest Dutch Sobriety'

A 53-year-old 'hardworking Dutchman' has been full-time protesting asylum seekers for two weeks, armed with a can of beer and a passion for 'honest Dutch sobriety.' Apparently, immigrants don't fit in a village where residents are too busy going to work and eating dinner at precisely 6 PM to notice.

2026-05-20 Read

De Speld

Four Ideal Clubs for Kees Smit's Career Stagnation Dreams

After a meteoric rise, promising footballer Kees Smit is expertly guided towards clubs where he can truly shine—on the bench. These four ideal destinations guarantee he'll be 'still only 23' for years, perhaps even mastering the art of 'rediscovering his love for football' at Osasuna.

2026-05-20 Read

De Speld

Study Finds Friendship Forged by Shared Mayonnaise Preference

Forget politics or religion, the true unifier of society is mayonnaise! A groundbreaking study reveals people with the same mayo taste bond instantly, proving that shared condiment choices are the ultimate predictor of lifelong friendship. Prepare for a world divided by duke's vs. hellmann's.

2026-05-20 Read

Daily Squib

UK Labour Ministry Taps 'Chav Celebrity' to Educate Children

England's Ministry of Education is bravely appointing a 'low IQ obese chav celebrity' to teach your kids about reality TV and social media. Because nothing says educational reform like a role model who probably thinks 'IQ' stands for 'Internet Quiz.'

2026-05-20 Read

The Chaser

Communism Definition Updated: Now Includes 'Less Tax Avoidance, No Wealth Redistribution'

In a stunning linguistic twist, dictionaries have redefined 'communism' to mean 'closing tax loopholes for the rich and keeping wealth exactly where it is.' Apparently, the old definition about 'overhauling the system' was just *so* last century.

2026-05-20 Read

The Daily Mash

Six Emails Arrive Immediately After You Leave a Shop (Just in Time to Expire)

Experience the thrill of receiving discount offers *after* you've paid, rating prompts for a transaction you barely remember, and loyalty rewards that conveniently expire before your next visit. It's the post-purchase email avalanche, designed to make you feel both guilty and perpetually ripped off.

2026-05-20 Read

The Hard Times

Study Proves Sending AI Videos Makes You Socially Impaired Dweeb

Scientists have discovered a direct correlation between forwarding AI-generated videos to friends and possessing the social grace of a damp sock. Apparently, the ability to read a room is inversely proportional to your enthusiasm for digital badger riding.

2026-05-20 Read

The Hard Times

Childless Woman Enjoys Life, Disturbs Creepy Man Staring at Her

A woman without children dares to have a good time, much to the horror of a basement-dwelling internet commenter. Apparently, her independence is an affront to the natural order, which apparently involves everyone reproducing like rabbits.

2026-05-20 Read