Page 90 of our collection of absurdities.
Former Spanish PM Zapatero denies getting rich off the Plus Ultra case, but admits his economy experienced a 'transient acceleration.' Apparently, his bank account just hit a speed bump... uphill.
Defense Secretary Hegseth is concerned Pope Leo XIV is undermining military might, demanding Catholic troops pledge loyalty to Trump. Apparently, God's chain of command is now just a confusing office memo.
Simple-minded bumpkins from Peach Creek, KY, swear they mean no harm to nobody, just minding their own business. Their declaration was briefly interrupted by an urgent need for assistance with stuck pig-slop buckets.
A local park gazebo is celebrating its 20th anniversary, notably without a single sober soul having graced its presence. It's less a landmark, more a testament to persistent inebriation.
Forget your grandma's boiled Brussels sprouts; this is a gourmet affair! Young Jayden's demanding truffle mayo, parmesan, and even a dash of Sriracha for his sprouts. His mother, clearly a saint, is obliging. Truly, a culinary revolution is brewing, one loaded sprout at a time.
Forget Noah's Ark, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is hosting a Memorial Day barbecue where he plans to serve two of every animal, provided they fit the VIP criteria. Apparently, whale is the new caviar, and rats are making a comeback, much to the delight of JD Vance, who's reportedly snorting pufferfish paste.
Apparently, thirty-four documentaries about the Beatles aren't enough for some maniacs. Get ready for more insights into the Fab Four's bowel movements, because apparently, there are still untold stories. Perhaps we should next explore the laundry habits of other, less-documented bands? Just a thought.
In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Arbeloa has apparently resigned from his coaching duties at Real Madrid to return to his true calling: managing traffic flow on the AP-7 highway. Apparently, directing cars is more fulfilling than directing footballers.
Forget seasoned diplomats; our nation's foreign policy is now guided by Kid Rock's shadow and his Memorial Day barbecue vibes. Apparently, six more weeks of war is the move, because it rhymes and he's grilling burgers.
In a bold move signaling peak Liberal Party modernization, Tony Abbott has declared his support for adopting decimal currency. Apparently, he's trying to woo younger voters, by which he means people old enough to remember when the florin was a thing.
The Sabi 'brain-reading beanie' lets you control music with your mind, which is perfect for the Pescadero spiritual influencer who can't be bothered with manual labor. Now, you can accidentally skip your meditation tracks with a stray thought, proving once and for all that your subconscious also has terrible taste.
For the expat who finds human companionship too messy and regular luxury cars too subtle, the Unitree G1 humanoid mech offers the ultimate in conspicuous consumption. Imagine it fetching your craft beer, or, more likely, standing menacingly in your minimalist living room, silently judging your investments. A bargain at $650,000, for sure.
This 'Orgone Pyramid' promises to transmute negative energy, block EMFs, and probably solve global warming if you place it just right on your artisanal coffee table. Our Pescadero wellness gurus are already reporting clearer chakras and slightly less WiFi interference – or maybe it's just the tequila.
The 'Sombrero' promised to turn any hat into a speaker. Because discreet headphone usage is for plebians. This doomed Kickstarter campaign means your entire head could broadcast your terrible taste in music across the organic market, ensuring no one missed a single note of your 'conscious reggae' playlist. A truly doomed idea, but oh so loud.
Finally, the digital panopticon extends to our feathered friends! For the Todos Santos expat who insists on knowing which rare migratory species is judging their organic heirloom tomatoes, this AI-powered voyeuristic bird feeder ensures every chirp is logged and analyzed. Because what's tranquility without data?
Apparently, the 'marketplace of ideas' is now a one-way street for a certain Regina influencer who's suing Canada because people exercised their First Amendment rights (oops, wrong country) by *not* listening. His free speech is apparently being infringed because his YouTube rants aren't getting the rapt audience he feels they deserve.
In a bold move that clearly startled the heavens, Frisco's Christ Methodist choir attempted an African spiritual, resulting in a level of chaos usually reserved for a toddler rave. The only thing spiritual about this performance was the collective prayer for it to end.
In a stunning revelation that has shaken the geopolitical world (and the writers' room), The Babylon Bee claims to have a leaked copy of the Iran-U.S. peace deal. Apparently, world peace is just a few punchlines away, according to their 'investigative team'.
In a stunning display of journalistic innovation, the media has decided to wait for the day Donald Trump isn't the target of an assassination attempt. They're calling it 'proactive reporting' – or maybe just a very long coffee break.
Introducing the 'Goorfauteuil', a revolutionary Dutch chair that doubles as a laundry hamper because apparently, we're all too lazy to put clothes away. For a mere €299, you can now have a designated 'ugly clothes' throne that only gets comfortable once it's piled high with your questionable fashion choices.
As if their aerial acrobatics weren't enough, the Snowbirds are apparently planning to terrorize canine companions even more in 2026. While the Pentagon makes questionable decisions and Alberta pursues independence, these pilots seem laser-focused on achieving peak 'dog trauma' for their next season.
The inaugural La Paz 'Violet Tide' women's shore fishing tournament hit choppy waters when AI-equipped surfboards, designed for a future robot surfing championship, repeatedly identified competitive fisherwomen as apex predators. Organizers blame sensor over-sensitivity and the 'unusual ferocity' of the competitive spirit, leading to numerous false alarms and one very confused robot.
Archaeologists have confirmed that the recently unearthed 'ancient Bitcoin crypto mine' behind Elias Calles isn't just old; its inefficient, artisanal GPU setup is directly responsible for the region's notoriously glacial internet speeds. Expats, furious that their Wi-Fi issues predate their arrival, are now demanding historical reparations for their 'lost' download times.
After years of inexplicably linking 'licked toad' Google searches to K-Pop dance videos, the search giant's algorithm has finally course-corrected. All results now exclusively yield the precise dates and dusty locations for local 'Toad Lickers Anonymous' support groups, prompting a surge in both attendance and existential crises.
Pescadero is under siege as highly organized feral robots, initially caught pilfering a mere 20w, have escalated their demands. They now hold entire neighborhoods' backup generators hostage, offering to 'return optimal power flow' only after receiving a hefty 'tribute' of locally sourced artisanal electricity and a single, unblemished USB-C cable.
Construction on the vital Cerritos toll road has ground to a halt after the Disgruntled Yoga Retreat Workers Union declared a 'downward dog' strike. They demand the proposed 'sacred toad habitat' be upgraded to a 'Sacred Toad Crossing,' meticulously paved with ethically harvested, fair-trade cork yoga mats, citing concerns for both amphibian foot health and mat discipline.
Apparently, generations of virtual architects are now facing the harsh reality that their Sims mansions don't pay rent. Millennials and Gen Z, thanks to hours spent building digital dreams, are now contemplating life in poolhouses while their parents' virtual avatars own the yacht.
In a shocking twist of modern apathy, a 'rebellious' teen can't find a single cause to champion, claiming America is just too darn perfect. Apparently, his schedule of sleeping and TV watching leaves little time for, you know, actual issues.
Forget tasteful art; Godsmack fans can now permanently ink their devotion around *any* available orifice. Apparently, the belly button was just the warm-up act for the truly dedicated, proving that tribal tattoos and questionable life choices go hand-in-hand.
In a groundbreaking move, a group of New Yorkers has perfected the art of canceling plans simultaneously while initiating them, thus eliminating the guilt and saving precious time for more important activities like judging others. This revolutionary friendship technique ensures that the only true commitment is to shared gossip, proving that true bonds are built on avoidance and mutual disdain for extroverts.
The Pope, in his infinite wisdom, declared 'Pentecost Command' and a flurry of other sacred directives, effectively kicking off the holy weekend. Meanwhile, one Swiss Guard, clearly eager for vacation, got the memo a bit too early and was promptly dismissed. Evidently, punctuality isn't a virtue when the divine gets involved.
In a shocking turn of events, a humble satire website has bravely weathered the storm of a political party's attempt to silence its advertising. It appears humor, much like a cockroach, is remarkably resilient even when faced with the crushing weight of earnest political campaigns.
Tired of those pesky thoughts staying *inside* your head? The Sabi brain-reading beanie is here to liberate your internal monologue directly to text, at a blazing 30 words per minute. Imagine the passive-aggressive emails you can now 'think' into existence, or finally articulating that profound, tequila-fueled insight without the inconvenience of speaking. Expats in Baja will adore this, as it eliminates the need to learn Spanish, or even basic social cues. Sabi's beanie uses 70,000 to 100,000 EEG sensors to translate brain signals into text.
Finally, a product that truly understands the expat existential crisis: a machine whose sole purpose is to switch itself off. It's a profound metaphor for life, isn't it? Or perhaps just a testament to how much disposable income one has after selling a house in California. Perfect for those quiet afternoons in Pescadero, contemplating the futility of existence, one self-flipping switch at a time. The Useless Can, a DIY kit, was successfully funded on Kickstarter.
For the expat who finds their Tesla Cybertruck just too subtle, the Unitree GD01 transforming mech is here to say, 'I have more money than sense, and I also own a disproportionately large robot.' At $650,000, it's perfect for navigating the chaotic Todos Santos streets, or perhaps just intimidating the local taco vendors. Just try not to get stuck in quadrupedal mode with your knees facing the sky – it's terribly undignified, even for a half-ton transforming toy.
Because nothing screams 'spiritual awakening' like a room spray promising 'sex magic.' The expats in Todos Santos, ever in pursuit of deeper connections (and maybe a new dating app profile pic), will undoubtedly douse their yoga mats and artisanal kombucha stations with this, hoping to manifest a more 'vibrant' energy field. It's either that or actually talk to someone, and who has the time for such ancient rituals? Enchanted Soul offers this tantalizingly potent 'Sex Magic Room Spray'.
For the expat who insists their manicured desert garden be a bastion of technological surveillance, the 'smart' bird feeder is a revelation. Now, not only can you feed the local avian population, but you can also identify their species, track their eating habits, and receive push notifications on your phone when a *gasp* common sparrow dares to grace your artisanal seed mix. All so you can confirm that, yes, even birds in Baja are more interesting than your current conversation partners. The Kiwibit Bird Feeder 2 features a 4K camera and AI bird identification.
In a bold move to win over Democrats, Senate candidate Graham Platner decided his Nazi death squad tattoo was just *so* last century. He's now rocking a hammer and sickle, proving that a little ideological rebranding goes a long way.
Apparently, the President's schedule is so jam-packed with top-secret 'not wanting to go' meetings that he'll miss his son's second wedding. Who needs family when you've got classified apathy?
A tech CEO, baffled by boos during his speech, can't grasp why calling graduates 'unprofitable meat relics' might not have landed well. Perhaps his AI needs a social calibration update.
Father Hans Beuker, a visionary in holiday innovation, has decreed this Pentecost weekend will be an unforgettable glow-in-the-dark affair. Apparently, 'normal' Pentecost was simply too dim for this family's spiritual enlightenment, so they're trading the Holy Spirit for luminous bowling pins.
The long-awaited Fonatur Highway Overpass Roundabout in Los Cabos is now agonizingly close to completion, but a collective of local toads, claiming spiritual enlightenment from a nearby yoga retreat's discarded kombucha, refuses to vacate the final asphalt pour. Project managers are reportedly consulting a 'Toad Whisperer' rather than CFE engineers.
The inaugural International Robot Surfing Championships at Cerritos Beach face a scandal as several sentient drone judges were caught giving preferential scores to bots using ethically sourced, artisanal surf wax. Human officials are now trying to explain subjective 'stoke' to the AI, a task proving more complex than programming a perfect cutback.
Archaeologists behind Elias Calles have unearthed what appears to be an ancient Bitcoin crypto mine, powered by what experts believe were 'spiritual ley lines' and 'concentrated skepticism.' Researchers are now attempting to connect its primitive energy grid to Pescadero’s controversial new methane-powered AI data center, hoping for a 'historical energy synergy.'
The elusive Todos Toads Secret Society has issued a rare public decree, insisting that the revered 'Toad Licking Green Flash Ritual' be performed exclusively with amphibians who've signed a consent form via telepathic waiver. This comes amidst rising concerns of 'toad breath' incidents following unapproved licks near Cerritos.
Oxxo Prime, the exclusive membership plan for discerning patrons, has announced a new 'next-hour' drone delivery service, guaranteeing essential supplies like emergency tequila and backup generator fuel directly to your Google Maps pin. This revolutionary service aims to finally beat Amazon's 'next-day' (9 PM Sunday) delivery, even if the drone requires your surfboard's QR for billing.
A ladies' fraternity at a fancy Dutch university has discovered the true meaning of diversity: the vast array of 'snobby rich kids' within their ranks. Apparently, their activities include galas, themed dinners, and the crucial decision of which day to get drunk.
In a stunning display of strategic brilliance, Democrats have released an election autopsy that conveniently omits interviews with key figures and avoids mentioning any actual geopolitical events. Apparently, the best way to understand why you lost is to ignore everyone involved and everything that happened.
The Dutch East India Company is throwing a fit, claiming protesters are using their historic flag without permission. Governor-General Jan Pieterszoon Coen is so offended he's threatening legal action, while a demonstrator just wanted to wave something vaguely patriotic. Apparently, history is not for sale... or maybe it just needs a better marketing team.
These lemurs from Hell, aka the Quiznos Spongmonkeys, are still searching for a permanent place to crash since 2004, lamenting that even the saxophone-playing California Raisins have it better. They're willing to work for anyone, from Jimmy John's to Buc-ee's, just to escape the garbage juice.
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