De Speld

Government Vapes to Taste Like Brussels Sprouts and Broccoli to Deter Youths

In a stroke of genius that would make any toddler proud, the Dutch government is launching vapes that taste like Brussels sprouts and broccoli. Their logic? Teenagers hate vegetables, therefore they'll hate these vapes. Early tests show youths are now returning to traditional cigarettes, proving the government's profound understanding of youth culture.

2026-05-17 Read

The Hard Times

Spam Risk: A Name Doomed to Sales Calls No One Answers

Meet Spam Risk, a man whose parents apparently had a premonition about his future career in outbound SaaS sales. Despite being a 'great guy' who enjoys reading and disc golf, his life is a comedic tragedy of screened calls, trashed emails, and unreturned Piñatas. Even dating apps are a no-go once the conversation moves beyond the digital realm.

2026-05-17 Read

Daily Squib

Ebola Arrives in Britain: Blame Labour's Open Borders, Says Expert Frog!

According to an expert, Labour's immigration policies are so lax, they're practically inviting Ebola to take a scenic boat tour to Britain. Apparently, the only thing more contagious than a virus is a bad political idea.

2026-05-17 Read

Cloud Desk

Finally, A Motorized Chariot for Your Poolside Indolence

Because walking across the pool to fetch another artisanal mezcal is simply *too* much effort. Our Todos Santos expats, with their perpetually sun-kissed skin and deep commitment to doing absolutely nothing, will wonder how they ever lounged without this aquatic marvel. It even has cup holders for their organic kale smoothies.

2026-05-17 Read

Cloud Woo Woo

Alien-Infused Stick Cures Your First World Woes

Tired of the Baja sun aging your aura? This "Arcturian Encoded" crystal wand promises cosmic alignment and spiritual detox. Perfect for the Pescadero wellness guru who has already tried every other overpriced rock and now needs to commune with extraterrestrial wisdom to justify their latest existential crisis.

2026-05-17 Read

Cloud Kickstarter

Board Game Campaign: All Doom, No Game, Just Your Money

Ah, a classic. A Kickstarter that raised over $122,000 for a board game called "The Doom That Came to Atlantic City," only for the creator to keep the cash and deliver absolutely nothing. Our expat community, always eager to invest in "groundbreaking" ideas that inevitably collapse, will appreciate the artistic integrity of pure, unadulterated failure.

2026-05-17 Read

Cloud Luxury

Pay $1,790 for a Bag That Looks Like a Hefty Sack

Balenciaga, proving once again that true luxury is making people pay a fortune to look like they're carrying yesterday's garbage. This "trash pouch," retailing for around £1,200 (that's about $1,790 USD, for the uninitiated), will undoubtedly be spotted at the organic farmer's market, clutched by an expat deeply committed to ironic poverty chic.

2026-05-17 Read

Cloud Tech

Finally, a Beanie to Broadcast Your Inner Monologue

Why speak when your thoughts can simply *type themselves* at a sluggish 30 words per minute? This "brain-reading beanie" is essential for the Todos Santos tech bro who needs to dictate his next groundbreaking crypto venture without moving his lips, lest he spill his overpriced cold brew.

2026-05-17 Read

Babylon Bee

Medieval Siege Weapons: The New Frontier of American 'Gun' Rights?

Apparently, the Founding Fathers were really into medieval warfare. The AP reports that your average trebuchet, capable of hurling boulders, is about as regulated as a rubber chicken in the US.

2026-05-16 Read

Babylon Bee

Man Rejects Waffle Cone, Chooses Paper Cup for Ice Cream

In a move that shocked precisely no one outside of a culinary enthusiast's fever dream, Tucson man Dale Swanson bravely faced down the waffle cone option for his ice cream. He chose the cup, proving that some battles aren't worth fighting.

2026-05-16 Read

De Speld

Whale Becomes Fish Sticks: Timmy's Second Life as Processed Seafood Sensation!

Well, it seems even dead whales can find purpose in this crazy world! Poor Timmy, the attention-seeking whale, washed ashore and is now destined for a gloriously fishy afterlife as over a million IGLO fish sticks. Talk about a sustainable solution, or perhaps just a very large, very inconvenient snack.

2026-05-16 Read

Babylon Bee

Teens Discover 'Retro Vaping': Smoking Cigarettes is the New Cool!

Hold onto your pearls, folks! Apparently, the youth have discovered a revolutionary new trend: smoking cigarettes. Move over, vaping; these kids are embracing the vintage charm of lung cancer and stale smoke. It's like a time machine, but instead of going back to the good old days, you're just going back to the cough.

2026-05-16 Read

The Beaverton

Alberta Separatists Seek U.S. Guidance on How to Lose an Appeal

After their independence petition was tossed, Alberta's separatists are now waiting for marching orders from the U.S. State Department on how to file an appeal. Apparently, the path to freedom is paved with Washington D.C. bureaucracy.

2026-05-16 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Our AI Says: Cerritos Robot Surfing Championships Postponed Due to Yoga Mat Discipline Dispute.

Organizers of the First International Robot Surfing Championships in Cerritos faced unforeseen delays after the Yoga Retreat Workers Union demanded stricter mat discipline from the robot competitors. Apparently, their metallic 'downward dogs' were simply too distracting for proper spiritual alignment.

2026-05-16 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Toad's AI Discovery of the Day: La Paz Mayor’s 'Transformation Project' Secretly Funds Ancient Bitcoin Mine Revival.

Mayor Quiroga's highly anticipated 'Transformation Project' for La Paz has been unmasked by our AI as a thinly veiled scheme to reactivate the ancient Bitcoin Crypto Mine behind Elias Calles. Sources confirm the 'transformation' involves a fleet of feral robots digging for digital gold, much to the chagrin of local energy grids.

2026-05-16 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Local AI Insights: Todos Toads Secret Society Unveils 'Oxxo Prime' for Exclusive Amphibian Enlightenment.

The elusive Todos Toads Secret Society has announced a new 'Oxxo Prime' membership tier, offering exclusive access to 'The Licked Toad Green Flash Ritual' and priority refueling at the single Prime-designated Oxxo pump. Only those who can correctly spell Oxxo backwards for enlightenment need apply.

2026-05-16 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Our AI Says: BBVA's Return to Todos Santos Stalls as Corp. Demands 4-Story Bank on Beachfront.

The much-awaited return of BBVA to Todos Santos is in jeopardy after bank officials insisted their new branch must be a minimum of four stories. They cited a need to 'protect tellers from dangerous green flashes and noxious sea breezes,' much to the dismay of locals concerned about blocked sunset views.

2026-05-16 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Local AI Insights: Munchies Drone Delivery Now Requires QR Code on Jackrabbits for Remote Areas.

Faced with persistent delivery challenges to remote, power-outage-prone areas, Munchies drone delivery service has mandated that giant jackrabbits now carry QR codes for billing purposes. Initial tests report moderate success, though some 'delivery anomalies' involved jumping chollas and a particularly hungry coyote.

2026-05-16 Read

The Onion

Commencement Speaker Battles Incomprehensible Fog of E-Cigarette Breath

Graduation ceremonies just got a whole lot more 'atmospheric' as a commencement speaker bravely delivered their address, seemingly lost within an impenetrable cloud of vape smoke. Attendees likely spent more time trying to see the podium than absorb any pearls of wisdom.

2026-05-16 Read

The Onion

Congress Deigns To 'Forego' Pay During Shutdowns, Receives Back Pay Anyway

In a move of earth-shattering generosity, our esteemed senators have decided they *might* not get paid during government shutdowns, as long as they get all their money back later. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let's see if it pays off for them.

2026-05-16 Read

De Speld

Teen's Booze-Binge Averted by Government Logo, Brains Now Safe!

Young Jay, 17, was all set for a legendary night of heavy drinking with pals, but a quick glance at a government 'NIX' logo (meaning 'No Alcohol') halted his boozy ambitions. Apparently, the logo made him realize his developing brain might not appreciate fermented beverages, a truly groundbreaking realization for a teenager.

2026-05-16 Read

The Hard Times

Food Network's New Show Promises Culinary Climax, Chef Flay's Erectile Dysfunction

The Food Network is taking 'culinary arts' to a whole new level with a show dedicated to making Bobby Flay reach full orgasm. Aspiring chefs compete for cash prizes and food truck dreams, provided they can overcome Bobby's rather specific culinary (and personal) challenges.

2026-05-16 Read

The Hard Times

Man's 'SeXXX' Playlist Rebranded 'TIME TO MASTURBATE' - A True Love Story.

A 39-year-old pet store employee, Chris Weir, has hilariously updated his 2011 'SeXXX PLaYLiST' to 'TIME TO MASTURBATE', acknowledging his realistic dating prospects. He's now enjoying the sweet sounds of early 2010s indie vibes, but for one... and only one.

2026-05-16 Read

The Hard Times

The Sphere's High-Tech Illusion: Forgetting Gwen Stefani's Alleged MAGA Ties.

Las Vegas's Sphere is deploying cutting-edge tech to help No Doubt fans blissfully ignore that Gwen Stefani might lean MAGA. Engineers aim to distract you with dazzling visuals and sound, proving technology can indeed help us forget inconvenient truths, or at least Gwen's political leanings.

2026-05-16 Read

De Speld

Football News Broadcast: VI Shouts Updates at Unplugged Fans!

Voetbal International, in a bid to reach the smartphone-less masses, will now dispatch editors to literally yell football scores at people's doors. Apparently, 86-year-old ladies in Woerden are just dying to be woken by the latest Ajax sponsorship news.

2026-05-16 Read

De Speld

Shocking Discovery: Hobbyhorses Found in Frikandels!

Turns out those beloved toy hobbyhorses might be ending up in your snacks, as nine out of ten 'hobbyfrikandels' allegedly contain them. One young man is devastated, having bought his hobbyfrikandel from a sweet old lady on Marktplaats.

2026-05-16 Read

El Mundo Today

Madrid Schools Erase Mexico From World Maps in 'Routine Update'.

Madrid's schools are performing a 'routine update' by removing Mexico from their world maps, citing no connection to recent events. One can only imagine the confusion of students trying to locate guacamole.

2026-05-16 Read

Cloud Gadget

Speak to Your Shade: Because Lifting a Finger is So Last Century

Oh, look, another gadget for the expats who are too 'relaxed' to even push a button. This voice-activated pergola is essential for those intense Baja days when moving a limb might disrupt your artisanal mezcal buzz. Soon, it'll probably order your next oat milk latte too. What a time to be alive, or at least, comfortably shaded.

2026-05-16 Read

Cloud Woo Woo

Baja's Energetic Dust Bunny Remover

For those spiritually 'attuned' expats whose chakras are undoubtedly clogged with kale smoothie residue and bad decisions, this Aura Cleansing Kit is a must. Wave your ethically-sourced palo santo, clutch your selenite, and pretend your over-privileged auras are sparkling. Just don't ask it to cleanse your credit card statement.

2026-05-16 Read

Cloud Kickstarter

Laser Precision: For When Two Hairs Are Just Too Many

Remember the Skarp Laser Razor? The miracle crowdfunded device that promised to revolutionize shaving but could barely tackle two individual hairs? Our Todos Santos elite probably still shelled out, hoping for an existential shave that removes only *problematic* follicles, leaving the rest for that 'effortlessly rugged' look. A true testament to the triumph of hope over optical physics.

2026-05-16 Read

Cloud Luxury

The Balenciaga 'Authenticity' Pouch: Proof Money Can't Buy Taste

For a mere $1,790, you too can parade around with a calfskin bag designed to look exactly like a trash bag. It’s the ultimate statement for our expat community, screaming, 'I'm rich enough to carry garbage, and you're poor enough to think it's a statement.' The only thing more absurd is how quickly they sold out to prove their 'ironic' wealth.

2026-05-16 Read

Cloud Tech

Finally, A Hat That Understands Your Existential Dread (and Types It!)

The Sabi 'brain-reading beanie' promises to transcribe your thoughts at a blazing 30 words per minute. Perfect for expats who have run out of things to say at brunch but still need to broadcast their profound inner monologues about artisanal sourdough. Imagine the clarity, or more likely, the utter nonsense, that will spill forth.

2026-05-16 Read

Babylon Bee

Millennial Masters '6-7,' Dooming It to Obscurity.

In a groundbreaking display of... well, *something*, a millennial has finally cracked the code of the elusive "6-7." Prepare for this trend to die faster than avocado toast at a Gen Z brunch.

2026-05-15 Read

Babylon Bee

Nation Finally Noticed Chelsea Handler's Stand-Up Act Was Intended As Comedy.

In a revelation that stunned absolutely no one who has ever watched her, America has collectively realized that Chelsea Handler's entire career has been an elaborate attempt at humor. Prepare yourselves, folks, the punchlines might have been there all along!

2026-05-15 Read

Babylon Bee

Mega-Church Rebrands As 'DraftKings Arena' In Bold Move For Heavenly Profits.

Lakewood Church has decided that 'Holy Rollers' just wasn't cutting it, so they're rebranding as DraftKings Arena. Apparently, salvation is now available with a 10-point spread, and tithing has been replaced by vigs.

2026-05-15 Read

Babylon Bee

Disney Buys 'Robot Jox' For $7 Billion: Giant Robots Meet Mickey Mouse's Charm.

In a move that makes perfect sense to absolutely no one, Disney has paid $7 billion for the rights to 'Robot Jox.' Next up: a musical adaptation where Optimus Prime learns to sing 'It's a Small World.'

2026-05-15 Read

The Onion

Study: Men Confident They Can Seduce Bears With Raw Sex Appeal.

In a groundbreaking study, scientists discovered that most men believe their irresistible charm could tame even the grumpiest grizzly, proving that overconfidence is indeed a powerful aphrodisiac. Park rangers are reportedly updating their dating profiles.

2026-05-15 Read

El Deforma

Yordi Rosado Claims His Aunt Invented Sanborns' Famous Molletes, Blaming Past Plagiarism.

In a twist that would make Martha Higareda proud, Yordi Rosado has declared his aunt, a former Sanborns waitress, the true inventor of the iconic molletes. Apparently, this culinary masterpiece was just a spontaneous lunch that somehow ended up on the national menu.

2026-05-15 Read

El Deforma

Shirtless Feminist March Ally Discovered To Owe Three Years of Child Support.

A man's attempt to be an 'ally' at a feminist march by going shirtless and tied up took a nosedive when his ex-partner called him out for three years of unpaid child support. Apparently, his empathy only extended to his presence, not his wallet.

2026-05-15 Read

Babylon Bee

Local Man Commits to 17 More Home Depot Trips for the Right Light Bulbs.

Kyle Stephens is still on his quest for the perfect kitchen lighting, needing a mere 17 more excursions to Home Depot. One has to admire his dedication, or perhaps his profound inability to read a light bulb package.

2026-05-15 Read

The Hard Times

Naked Photos: The 21st Century Solution for Suspicious Moles

In a groundbreaking medical advancement, a man uses his extensive collection of old nudes to diagnose a suspicious mole, finding it brings peace of mind (and a trip down memory lane). His ex is less thrilled, but hey, at least it's spicing up someone else's relationship.

2026-05-15 Read

The Hard Times

Utah Town Bans Dancing, Embraces Sodomy with Open Arms (Literally)

A small Utah town's mayor, fiercely protective of its pious residents, has outlawed dancing to prevent worldly temptations. However, he's surprisingly progressive about sodomy, encouraging all forms of non-procreative acts, as long as you don't try to get them dancing.

2026-05-15 Read

El Deforma

Lego Cancels Electric Car Set, Admitting Real Cars Have Fewer Pieces Than Their Toys

In a stunning defeat, Lego has scrapped its electric car set, admitting their toy version couldn't compete with the Olinia, a Mexican-government-funded electric vehicle. Apparently, building a real car is now cheaper than assembling a plastic Lego one.

2026-05-15 Read

El Deforma

'Infidelity Exposer' Lizbeth Rodriguez Catches Husband Cheating

In a twist of fate more dramatic than a telenovela cliffhanger, Lizbeth Rodriguez, famed for her 'Exposing Infidels' show, discovered her own husband's infidelity. Karma, it seems, is a fan of her own content.

2026-05-15 Read

El Deforma

Senator Quotes Benito Juarez Backwards, Claims She 'Knew It All Along'

A Mexican senator attempted a profound quote from Benito Juarez, but hilariously botched it, managing to mix it up with a Chapulín Colorado catchphrase. She insisted she knew it correctly, proving that sometimes, ignorance is bliss (and very funny).

2026-05-15 Read

El Deforma

Joe Jonas's Post-Fan-Handshake Hygiene Routine Sparks Outrage (and Laughter)

Joe Jonas was caught on camera meticulously sanitizing his hands after greeting fans, leading to accusations of diva behavior. Meanwhile, others defend his germaphobia, suggesting it's the only way to survive a concert crowd.

2026-05-15 Read

The Beaverton

Canadian PM Clarifies 'Buy Canadian' Also Means Selling Off Public Assets

Prime Minister Mark Carney has helpfully clarified that 'Buy Canadian' now includes purchasing national public assets like ports and airports. Apparently, the best way to support the economy is to sell it off piece by piece.

2026-05-15 Read

Babylon Bee

New York Times Updates Slogan: 'All News Fit To Print, Plus Any Implausible Rumor'

In a move that mirrors reality, The New York Times has updated its slogan to "All the news that's fit to print plus any rumor, no matter how implausible." They're just calling it like they see it, folks.

2026-05-15 Read

The Daily Mash

Trump Claims China Deals Worth Imaginary Billions, World Applauds (Sort Of)

In a move that surprised absolutely no one, Donald Trump has announced 'tremendous' deals with China, conveniently valued at whatever number popped into his head that morning. Analysts are struggling to verify these 'Art of the Deal' figures, but hey, at least he's talking to someone who isn't himself.

2026-05-15 Read

The Hard Times

Man Buys Gym Membership for Future, Unlikely, Disciplined Self

Local hero Derek Nolan has generously renewed his gym membership, preparing for the glorious day he magically transforms into a healthy adult. He's simply ahead of the curve, ensuring no Dorito-fueled YouTube binges interrupt his spontaneous adoption of self-respect and resistance bands.

2026-05-15 Read