The Shovel

Australian Politicians Compete to Deport Entire Populations of Alternate Dimensions

In a display of mathematical wizardry that would make a toddler weep, Australia's political parties have pledged to deport more migrants than exist on the planet. Apparently, the only way to save the nation is to banish everyone until the country is just a solitary, grumpy koala sitting in an empty field.

2026-10-06 Read

Babylon Bee

Indiana: Where Dreams Go to Wait for a Left Turn

If you enjoy staring at endless fields of corn while questioning every life decision that brought you to the Midwest, Indiana is your nirvana. It’s the perfect place if your lifelong dream is to achieve absolute, soul-crushing beige.

2026-10-05 Read

Babylon Bee

Dems Upset That Budget Cuts Are Ruining Their Global Communist Revolution Schedule

Finally, an honest admission that the real goal of foreign aid is to speed up the total collapse of Western civilization. It’s hard to topple governments when you have to stick to a budget, isn't it?

2026-10-05 Read

Babylon Bee

Local Man Upset That History Doesn't End With A Nazi Parade

Tucker Carlson was reportedly spotted hurling insults at his television, deeply offended that a fictional archaeologist had the audacity to ruin a perfectly good afternoon for the Third Reich.

2026-10-05 Read

El Deforma

Okills to Infect Your Ears With Tropical Rock in Mexico City

The Venezuelan band Okills is bringing their 'Tropical Rock'—a genre I assume is just music played while sipping a margarita—to the Lunario on October 8th. They even have a new song called 'Duolingo,' because apparently, we all need another way to be reminded of our language learning failures.

2026-10-05 Read

The Onion

Tom Cruise Stares Into Your Soul Demanding to Know Why You Skipped 'Digger'

Tom Cruise is acting perfectly normal, which is to say he’s blinking at the exact legal minimum frequency and demanding a detailed alibi for why you didn't see his box-office flop. Honestly, I'd pay good money to watch him interrogate a wall, but I'm skipping the movie.

2026-10-05 Read

Babylon Bee

Fox News Miraculously Hires Young Blonde Woman Against All Statistical Probability

In a twist that shocked absolutely nobody with working eyes, a young blonde woman has managed to penetrate the impenetrable hiring fortress of Fox News. Truly, the odds were as astronomical as a toad winning a beauty pageant in Todos Santos.

2026-10-05 Read

Babylon Bee

Prison Officials Baffled by Complex Technology of Wall Socket

Prison authorities are currently locked in a high-stakes standoff with a wall plug. It seems their advanced criminal justice protocols didn't account for the terrifying technological hurdle of a power outlet.

2026-10-05 Read

Babylon Bee

Archaeologists Mistake Plastic Halloween Decoration for Ancient Nephilim Giant

Texas researchers nearly rewrote history books until they realized their 'biblical discovery' was just a suburban dad's tacky yard skeleton. I've seen more intelligent life in a puddle at the town plaza after a rainstorm.

2026-10-05 Read

El Deforma

Puebla Fans Hold Bizarre Vigil for Cristiano Ronaldo's Retirement That Never Happened

In a display of peak delusion, fans in Puebla gathered to bid farewell to a Portuguese player who didn't know they existed, for a retirement that didn't happen, months after the fact. At least they didn't try to invite him to a taco stand for the birthday cake.

2026-10-05 Read

El Deforma

Mexico Lost to USA to Save the Country From Their Own Fans

The national team claims their pathetic performance was a 'National Peace Operation' to prevent fans from destroying cars and falling into fountains. It's truly moving to see players sacrifice their pride just to keep our monuments safe from rowdy idiots.

2026-10-05 Read

El Deforma

Argentina Now Selling Citizenship for the Low Price of $350k

Argentina is finally monetizing the 'gaucho' dream by offering citizenship to anyone with a spare fortune and zero red flags. It’s the perfect scheme for those who want to buy a nationality while simultaneously funding the national treasury's latest mid-life crisis.

2026-10-05 Read

El Deforma

Reggaeton 'Star' Bogueto Cancels Show After Getting Slightly Wet

The artist known as 'El Bogueto' threw a royal tantrum and abandoned his stage because a fan splashed him with water. Clearly, his ego is far less waterproof than his musical talent, leaving fans out of pocket and laughing at his soggy departure.

2026-10-05 Read

Babylon Bee

France Convinced By Protesters After Seeing A Woman Set On Fire

Nothing says 'my cause is just' quite like setting someone's face on fire with a homemade blowtorch. The French public is apparently very easily swayed by such warm, glowing displays of political discourse.

2026-10-05 Read

The Daily Mash

Threesome Crisis: One Member Failing the Physical Performance Review

A romantic tryst has devolved into a workplace grievance because one participant treated the evening like a nap. Perhaps they should issue a performance improvement plan before the next mattress meeting.

2026-10-05 Read

The Hard Times

NFL Suspends 49ers Owner From Doing Absolutely Nothing

Jed York has been suspended from his vital role of being completely irrelevant to the team's actual performance. It is a bold move to ban a man from doing the nothing he was already doing.

2026-10-05 Read

The Onion

Candidate Swaps Wives Like Tires Depending on the Terrain

Jim Richardson is out here campaigning with a different spouse for every demographic, because who needs one lifelong partner when you can have a seasonal rotation? It's the ultimate 'polyamorous politician' strategy.

2026-10-05 Read

Daily Squib

Royal Exit: Harry and Meghan Consider Moving to the Sunni Triangle

In a desperate bid for privacy, the Sussexes are looking at real estate in Iraq where the locals are far too busy to care about royal fashion choices. Apparently, escaping the British press requires a slightly more volatile neighborhood.

2026-10-05 Read

The Beaverton

Washington Demands Canada Stop Interrupting Their Foreign Meddling Schedule

The Trump administration is miffed that Canada is distracting them from their busy itinerary of destabilizing foreign referendums. It’s hard to save democracy globally when your neighbor keeps insisting on having an actual economy.

2026-10-05 Read

Le Gorafi

Groundbreaking News: Resident Evil Actors Use Makeup and Coffee Breaks

Hold onto your hats, folks, because apparently, movie sets are just people drinking caffeine and doing their jobs. Who knew that actors require makeup to look like zombies and that movies have credits to list the people who actually made them?

2026-10-05 Read

El Mundo Today

Madrid Mayor Warns Protesters Are Secretly Building Nuclear Weapons in Tents

Mayor Almeida has finally unmasked the true purpose of those rainy day tents: global nuclear domination. Apparently, protesters are pivoting from social activism to uranium enrichment right in the heart of the city.

2026-10-05 Read

El Mundo Today

Leftist voters' new favorite hobby: Watching Feijóo lose

Left-leaning voters have admitted they don't care about housing or rights anymore; they’re just staying for the sheer, unadulterated joy of watching Alberto Núñez Feijóo suffer another crushing defeat.

2026-10-05 Read

The Daily Mash

RAF Fairford closure creates local stocking supply crisis for sex-starved pensioners

Local seniors are in a panic as the military base withdraws, effectively ending the thriving informal economy of trading questionable favors for high-denier hosiery.

2026-10-05 Read

El Mundo Today

Spain's next great national debate: Which floor are you moving to?

After Pedro Sánchez called new elections, Spaniards are now forced to choose between the penthouse or the basement, because apparently, political platforms are now just real estate listings.

2026-10-05 Read

Duffel Blog

Sailor returns home broke after 10-month deployment of doing absolutely nothing

In a display of fiscal talent that would baffle an accountant, this sailor managed to spend every cent of his pay while living on thin air and borrowed toiletries.

2026-10-05 Read

The Onion

Trump discovers smoking gun: Rival Joe Biden actually tried to win election

In a stunning investigative revelation, Donald Trump uncovers a vast conspiracy where his opponent had the audacity to campaign and ask people for their votes. The scandal—or democracy, as some call it—is truly unprecedented.

2026-10-05 Read

The Onion

Pat McAfee stares blankly while Aaron Rodgers endorses eating industrial roofing tar

Aaron Rodgers has pivoted from vaccine skepticism to culinary chemistry, explaining that roofing tar is basically a superfood. Pat McAfee nodded along, likely because he had long ago vacated his own consciousness.

2026-10-05 Read

The Onion

Hiding in Plane Sight

A joke so thin it barely exists, much like my patience for airport security lines.

2026-10-05 Read

The Onion

By the numbers: Trump's upcoming 250th-anniversary triumphal arch

With 17 typos and a design that’s suspiciously close to a Golden Arches franchise, this monument is a perfect monument to the ego that built it.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Crypto Desk

California Outlaws Political Meme Coins While Baja Expats Continue Trading Shells

Governor Gavin Newsom signed AB 2409, effectively putting a leash on government officials peddling speculative meme coins and corrupt digital tokens. Up here in Baja, watching the local pelicans dive for fish offers vastly more stable yields than any Silicon Valley token. While Sacramento scrambles to write anti-fraud laws, our biggest daily crisis remains the local mini-supermarket running out of cold Tecate.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Crypto Desk

MEV Bot Snatches Stolen Millions From Exploited Wallet Before Hacker Can Cash Out

An opportunistic MEV bot named Yoink famously outmaneuvered a hacker by paying higher gas fees to sweep millions of dollars in stolen rsETH following a smart contract vulnerability. It is digital highway robbery executed at the speed of light, entirely fueled by code greed. Down here in Baja, the only thing we want 'max-extracted' is the last fresh lime from the cooler for our afternoon tacos.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Startup Lol

Venture Capital Shrugs and Pumps Another Ten Billion Into Invisible Cloud Warehouses

Some software visionary just vacuumed up a tidy ten-billion-dollar check to build apps for computers that don't exist yet, proving that Wall Street is still terrified of missing out on the robot apocalypse. Meanwhile, down here in Todos Santos, the surf is firing at Cerritos, and local fishermen are vastly more concerned with whether the yellowtail are biting than whether a synthetic chatbot can organize a spreadsheet. Silicon Valley can keep its trillion-dollar valuation tantrums; we are too busy watching pelicans nosedive into the Pacific to care about another founder's existential breakdown.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Tech Policy

Tech Execs Sign Another Totally Binding Agreement to Save Humanity Next Tuesday

A fresh batch of billionaires and tech potentates gathered in a sanitized room to solemnly promise that their algorithms will only take over the world after proper bureaucratic filings are completed. Up here on the Todos Santos road, dust devils swirl past taco stands while locals treat digital sovereign risk with the deep, spiritual indifference it deserves. The only artificial intelligence we acknowledge is the stubborn old stray dog outside the mercadito who somehow manages to outsmart every tourist trying to steal his shade.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Gadget

Bird Buddy PRO Smart Solar Bird Feeder

Because watching real pelicans dive into the Sea of Cortez is entirely too free and simple, local expats gladly drop hundreds on a Wi-Fi-enabled box so an algorithm can text them push notifications of local finches. It streams high-definition video of minor avian disputes directly to your air-conditioned casita while your electric bill triples. Essential gear if your main goal in Baja is staring at a tiny screen to monitor wildlife you moved two thousand miles to escape.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Woo Woo

Charged Quartz Crystal Water Infuser for Emotional Alignment

This $200 hand-carved glass vial allows sun-bleached yoga instructors in Todos Santos to steep raw silicon dioxide directly into their alkaline water for ultimate chakra recalibration. It claims to transmute heavy electromagnetic stress into pure vibrational bliss, which is helpful right up until your septic system backs up. The local holistic crowd treats it like holy water, mostly because it matches their expensive linen pants.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Kickstarter

Solar-Powered Bluetooth Yoga Mat for Outdoor Asphalt

A brilliantly doomed Kickstarter campaign for a yoga mat that connects to your smartphone to critique your downward dog using built-in pressure pads and annoying audio tones. Naturally, every remote startup founder in Pescadero backed it at the highest tier before realizing it melts instantly on the scorching Baja sand. Nothing says inner peace quite like a Bluetooth accessory bricking itself halfway through a sun salutation.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Luxury

Unitree H2 Full-Size Humanoid Robot Butler

Why hire a local human to sweep your patio when you can import a 70-kilogram bipedal aluminum mech that costs as much as a new SUV and overheats within twenty minutes? Expats in Cerritos are currently pooling their trust funds to buy these things so they can awkwardly fold laundry by the infinity pool. It strides around like an intoxicated terminator, perfectly capturing that authentic futuristic dystopia vibe.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Tech

HeritageLab PettiChat AI Pet Translator Collar

This revolutionary wearable clips to your rescue mutt's neck, using a cloud language model to translate everyday barks into fluent, passive-aggressive English sentences. Every artisanal coffee shop regular in Todos Santos bought three, hoping to finally hear what their rescue dog actually thinks of their sound-healing playlists. Predictably, the device reports that your dog's inner monologue consists entirely of demanding shade, beef tacos, and immediate deportation back to Seattle.

2026-10-05 Read

Le Gorafi

Man Sells Twingo for Double by Adding Half a Tank of Gas

Apparently, a full tank of gas is the new gold standard for vehicle valuation in France. One genius managed to scam a buyer into paying double just to avoid the grueling labor of visiting a gas station.

2026-10-05 Read

The Daily Mash

Local Failure Escapes Britain to Seek Freedom and Tax Havens in Dubai

A misunderstood visionary with a light criminal record and two GCSEs is fleeing his homeland because clearly, the only thing holding him back from global success is the British legal system.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Desk Europe

Dutch Sovereign Citizens Accused of Plotting Police Assassination with Toxic Ricin Beans

A Dutch court released four suspected sovereign citizens who allegedly consulted a doctor about assassinating undercover cops with ricin-laced blowdart beans, proving that European local disputes have officially surpassed America's weirdness quota. Meanwhile, down here in Baja, the swell is double overhead and nobody cares if your anti-tax militia prefers castor beans or harsh language.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Ufo

Pentagon Unseals Massive UFO Cache as Global Sightings Continue to Surge

The U.S. government unsealed a massive vault of historical and recent UFO files through their new transparency portal, reigniting global freakouts over structured discs and unexplained aerial phenomena. Here in Baja, we have our own unidentified flying objects—mostly hammered tourists launching themselves off beach cliffs into shallow tide pools—and we treat them with the exact same level of scientific apathy.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Chisme

Cartel Hit Squads Target TikTok Influencers in Escalating Mexican Media Drama

Mexican media is consumed by the terrifying trend of cartel violence spilling directly into the feeds of lifestyle and challenge content creators in Sinaloa. Out here on the Baja peninsula, the only viral drama we acknowledge is whether the afternoon offshore wind is going to clean up the right-hand point break before sunset.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Gringo

Expat Outraged That Tropical Latin American Country Actually Sounds Like Nature

Another delicate expat took to social media to demand a refund because the local jungle frogs and crickets were making too much noise at night without a volume knob. Back in Baja, we sleep right through the howling coyotes and crashing waves, mostly because we aren't insufferable cowards crying over acoustics.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Macro

Central Banks Panic Over Inflation While Pescadero Barista Ignores Rate Hikes

Global central banks have resumed monetary tightening due to energy price shocks, but local expats are completely insulated by their commitment to a $2 drafting Pacifico. While the rest of the world hyperventilates over persistent inflation risks, the biggest economic crisis in Baja right now is a shortage of lime wedges at the beach palapa. Nobody cares about basis points when the south swell is overhead and the Wi-Fi at the fish taco stand is down anyway.

2026-10-05 Read

Cloud Macro

Developing Nations Face Sovereign Debt Distress While Expat Refuses to Check Portfolio

Developing countries are facing crushing sovereign debt distress as surging borrowing costs collide with regional conflicts. Meanwhile, retired actuary Gary from Seattle has successfully achieved true inner peace by blocking his financial advisor’s number and focusing entirely on his backhand surf cutback in Todos Santos. Let the global economy collapse into a smoking ruin; Gary's main priority today is deciding whether to get his ATV repaired in La Paz or just leave it by the arroyo.

2026-10-05 Read

The Daily Mash

Green Party Sabotages Own Popularity to Avoid the Horrors of Actual Governance

The Green Party realized that winning elections is a terrible career move that requires doing actual work, so they wisely nuked their own credibility with controversy. Apparently, being a professional protest group is much less exhausting than passing legislation.

2026-10-05 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Our AI Says: Central Banks Resume Global Monetary Tightening While Cerritos Surfers Continue Not Caring What Interest Rates Are

As international financial markets buckle under escalating energy price shocks and persistent inflation risks, local gringo Dave remains entirely unbothered in his hammock. He is confident that the swelling three-foot left at San Pedrito will somehow hedge against impending macroeconomic collapse.

2026-10-05 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Local AI Insights: Cerritos Selected to Host First International Robot Surfing Championships While CFE Grid Melts

Autonomous surf bots are currently wiping out spectacularly on Cerritos closeouts after draining every backup generator from here to El Pescadero. Event organizers claim the robots are fully capable of dropping in on locals, but struggle significantly with the mandatory post-heat Tecate.

2026-10-05 Read

Pesky Toad Originals

Toad's AI Discovery of the Day: Windows 11 Performance Updates Finally Let OXXO ATM Process Cash Without Blue-Screening

Microsoft's latest optimization patch has miraculously reached the central Todos Santos OXXO, reducing transaction failures from ninety-nine percent down to a manageable seventy-five. Local expats waiting for pesos to buy artisanal kombucha rejoiced, assuming it was a profound spiritual alignment.

2026-10-05 Read