Page 35 of our collection of absurdities.
In a bold move for personal liberty, Old Spice introduces Libertarian-Strength Deodorant. Now men can reek of freedom and questionable life choices without fear of societal judgment.
Mexican TV personality Pedro Sola, famous for his dog-related outbursts, is now an artistic masterpiece surrounded by adorable pups. It seems even art can't escape his controversial charm.
In a diplomatic triumph, Argentina is up for the Nobel Peace Prize after successfully uniting the globe – by making everyone root for whoever played against them. Mission accomplished?
A kind-hearted gas station attendant lost his job for giving stray dogs baths, a move likely applauded by anyone who dislikes puppies. Fortunately, public outcry led to a job offer, proving kindness, and good PR, still pay.
Did July vanish in a blink? Conspiracy theorists and procrastinators alike are blaming a Matrix glitch for the mysteriously short month. Your diet starts next July, probably.
Because nothing says 'presidential' like demanding political opponents pause their potentially murderous impulses for your monologue. Clearly, the biggest threat to democracy is a poorly timed heckle.
Just 45 days 'til Labor Day and the true start of pumpkin spice season, but one woman's already got her holiday calendar sorted. Get ready, folks, because the gourd-geousness is coming!
In a move that surprised absolutely no one, a mayor who literally declared war on Jewish people is now very concerned about violence directed at them. His statement is a masterclass in 'shocked Pikachu' energy, proving some politicians are better at starting fires than putting them out.
A herd of men apparently forgot their charitable obligations while conquering a mountain, proving that ego is the ultimate cardio. They ascended Alpe d'Huez, not for a cause, but presumably for the sheer glory of their own calf muscles.
In a shocking move, the Louvre has launched an OnlyFans for Mona Lisa, proving that even priceless art needs a side hustle in this economy. For a mere €9.90, you can now enjoy exclusive snaps of her smile, eyes, and even her feet, because apparently, that's what the art world has come to.
Forget therapy, this article suggests chugging cold brew and smoking old weed to 'speedrun' your panic attack, because why gently manage anxiety when you can violently accelerate it? It's the perfect plan for anyone who wants to get their heart attack over with before Love Island starts.
In a heartwarming tale of adult independence, 37-year-old Erwin still occasionally tucks himself into his parents' bed when nightmares about the housing market strike. His mother assures us that strict rules apply, mainly concerning nocturnal accidents and the importance of 'learning to lie down on one's own legs.'
After three decades of tireless searching, Metallica has finally sued the bootlegger responsible for Beavis's signature t-shirt, ensuring the integrity of their merchandise empire. The bootlegger laments the loss of his primary income stream, lamenting that Winger shirts simply don't move like they used to.
When your sunny getaway turns into a downpour, fear not! Your options include deciphering incomprehensible foreign TV, exploring a hotel's collection of discarded, unreadable books, or contemplating the pros of parenthood while indulging in a forbidden solo act.
In a bold artistic interpretation, one man is experiencing Homer's epic journey through the dubious magic of a bootleg stream. He believes this is exactly how Christopher Nolan would have directed it, which frankly, explains a lot.
Because apparently, the main struggle for white men at concerts is finding a safe space to mosh without accidentally bumping into women or people of color, a singer has introduced the 'cuckpit'. Now, these sensitive souls can awkwardly flail about in their designated zone, ensuring the delicate sensibilities of others remain undisturbed.
In a bold move to spice up the Tour de France, organizers are allowing cars and scooters onto the Champs-Élysées roundabout. Cyclists will now have the thrilling opportunity to dodge traffic, ignore right-of-way, and maybe even take the Metro if they're feeling particularly daring.
As Prince George navigates the treacherous waters of his teens, readers offer sage advice ranging from avoiding royal relatives with questionable party ethics to not worrying about girlfriends because, well, royal genetics.
A tourist's Scottish adventure was tragically marred by the absence of the legendary 'Fat Bastard,' leaving him to wonder if they migrate or perhaps just frequent Subway franchises when no one is looking.
After a mere seven days without a drink, a man is baffled his life hasn't magically transformed, still questioning when exactly the 'turn my whole life around' part of sobriety is supposed to kick in.
In a baffling turn of events, the dugout floor has become a veritable oyster graveyard, leaving sports fans to ponder the culinary habits of athletes during tense games.
This year's 'must-read' beach collection includes titles guaranteed to keep you turning pages, from government employees finding important files to farmers navigating love, and characters battling everything from addiction to sinkholes.
The Pentagon, in a stunning display of bureaucratic ingenuity, has developed augmented reality glasses that simply make overweight generals invisible to the Defense Secretary. Because why fix the problem when you can just digitally erase it?
Forget hitting the right notes; the real trick to karaoke is holding the mic practically inside your mouth and choosing ancient tunes like 'Greensleeves.' Pro tip: ensure your ugliest friend does a duet with you so you look better by comparison.
A 'crypto influencer' in South Korea just got four years in the slammer for orchestrating a meme coin rug pull, pumping its price by 1000x in a day before bailing. Investors lost about 900 million won, but hey, at least he's not complaining about the humidity or the power grid like everyone else around here. Some folks just can't handle real-world consequences for their digital dreams.
Well, isn't this special? Some outfit called EarnOS just reeled in $18.5 million to build an 'anti-bot' startup that pays humans to interact with brands. Because apparently, the peak of human achievement in 2026 is becoming a paid click-farmer in a desperate bid to convince AI that we're still relevant. Meanwhile, the surf's firing in Todos Santos, and nobody here is paying anyone to pretend they like something.
In what's being dubbed Korea's 'divorce of the century,' SK Group Chairman Chey Tae-won has been ordered to pay 944 billion Korean won ($689 million) in asset division to his estranged wife. The astronomical sum is drawing global attention, largely because his semiconductor company, SK Hynix, has seen its value skyrocket thanks to the AI memory boom. While some rich dude in Seoul is losing half his AI-inflated fortune, down here, the only thing surging is the swell, and the only drama is whether the fish are biting.
In a truly unsurprising turn of events, Robinhood CEO Vlad Tenev's X account was reportedly hacked to shill a scam memecoin called 'Vladhood.' The digital grifters allegedly made off with $1.2 to $1.3 million in Ethereum. While the Silicon Valley titans are busy having their digital identities compromised for cartoon coins, the most pressing issue in Baja is the quality of the roadside tacos. Some things just have more substance.
Who needs human interaction when you can have the Unitree G1 humanoid robot? Though not the mythical $650k Gundam, at nearly $74,000 for the 'EDU Ultimate' version, it's perfect for showing off your technological prowess while it struggles to open a soda bottle or pick up fragile eggs. Expats will insist it's an 'investment in the future' as it awkwardly attempts to serve them another margarita.
The PettiChat real-time pet translator, claiming 94.6% accuracy, promises to bridge the linguistic gap between humans and their furry overlords. No more guessing if that bark means 'danger approaching' or 'feed me, peasant.' Now, every expat can confirm their rescue dog is indeed critiquing their interior design choices, right there on their smartphone.
For those who find traditional therapy too… rational, behold the 'Manifestation Magic Crystals Mystery Box.' For just $99, you get an 'intuitively curated' collection of rocks, infused with 'Reiki healing energy,' to attract abundance. Because clearly, your lack of an ocean-view villa isn't about property values, it's about not having enough energetically aligned pebbles.
Finally, a crowdfunding campaign that accurately reflects the existential dread of modern life. 'I FEEL DOOMED! Volume 1' is an anthology addressing 'generational collapse,' from student debt to climate anxiety. It's unclear if reading it will make you feel better or just more acutely aware of the impending apocalypse. Expats will undoubtedly buy copies for everyone they know, lamenting the good old days while clutching their organic mezcal.
Why settle for a quiet evening under the Baja stars when you can inflate your very own portable rave cave for a cool grand or two? The expats here, bless their hearts, are positively buzzing about transforming their serene patios into pulsating EDM dens. Because nothing says 'tranquil escape' like a giant, black inflatable cube throbbing with questionable bass.
The European Central Bank has unveiled a new 50 euro banknote featuring 'Dealer Sammy,' a choice Sammy calls an honor, though he admits he'll now have to stare at his own face all day. Apparently, the currency now reflects the nation's priorities.
Bastien Riquet, too indolent for self-slaughter, has weaponized his alleged Epstein intel, hoping to delegate his demise to shadowy figures. His plan is working so well, he now has hired chauffeurs tailing him, presumably to ensure he *doesn't* get bored and finish the job himself.
In a groundbreaking move for awkward small talk, millions of Britons have agreed to simply ignore each other, severing ties with the pretense of pleasantries. Apparently, the only way to achieve true neighborly harmony is to pretend the other person is a particularly annoying potted plant.
Fresh reports from the rumor mill claim several Mexican governors are moonlighting as cartel associates and, get this, informants for U.S. authorities. President Claudia Sheinbaum, naturally, isn't having it and is blaming Uncle Sam for 'interventionist tactics,' turning a high-stakes political scandal into the juiciest chisme since the last telenovela finale. But honestly, as long as the waves are breaking clean off Punta Conejo, political intrigue is just background noise to a Pesky Toad.
A Reddit thread is overflowing with Latin American locals venting about a specific species of tourist: the entitled Anglophone who expects everyone to speak English and apparently considers 'amigo' a full conversational substitute. While these gringos are busy complaining that their inability to speak Spanish isn't being magically accommodated, we're out here catching waves, blissfully unaware of such first-world linguistic struggles. Maybe they should try Google Translate instead of a lecture?
In a display of democratic theater that would make even the most jaded local politician blush, the Italy City Council meeting imploded as citizens dared to ask about mundane things like government spending. Officials reportedly arrested critical residents for 'criminal trespass,' proving once again that some municipalities prefer their public discourse to be seen and not heard, especially when the surf is this good down here. Who needs accountability when you can have absolute power and a perfect barrel?
The U.S. Navy reported a dazzling display of approximately 100 Unidentified Aerial Phenomena (UAPs) and two shadowy, uncrewed surface systems doing a little jig off the Virginia coastline, prompting a Pentagon investigation. While officials are busy pondering if it's an 'unmitigated threat,' we're just wondering if these aliens brought their own boards, because the swell at Shipwrecks is epic and frankly, space invaders are a Tuesday here.
Reports from distant lands suggest global unrest is causing gas prices to skyrocket and international trade to seize. Here in Baja, we're mostly concerned if our ancient 4Runner can make it to Cerritos for the morning swell. Some gringos muttered about the cost of imported craft beer due to tariffs, but then the next set rolled in, and all was forgotten. Priorities, people.
While unfortunate souls battle deluges in India and raging infernos consume Spain, the gravest concern among the Pescadero elite remains the spotty internet connection. One retiree, nearly bereft, couldn't stream his golf tournament, declaring it 'the real tragedy.' Meanwhile, the Pacific continues its rhythmic generosity, oblivious to human strife. Surf's up, folks.
Recent skeletal remains found in Comondú were not from a missing person but a pioneering crypto enthusiast from 500 AD. Researchers now believe the 'ancient Bitcoin mine' behind Elias Calles was simply a highly inefficient early server farm, powered by artisanal agave spirits and despair.
OXXO's latest innovation, the Casana-powered 'Smart-Sacrament' toilet, is now beta-testing in Pescadero. Equipped with Claude-AI's 'Priest Mode,' the seat allegedly offers absolution or penance (measured in "Hail Marys" per token) based on your vital signs and recent 'bathroom sins,' such as leaving the seat up or illicitly draining backup generators.
Controversy erupted at the First International Robot Surfing Championships in Cerritos when judges sanctioned several AI-driven competitors. Their cutting-edge boards, 3D-printed with new seagrass restoration technology, were deemed to provide an 'unnatural and ecologically unfair' flotation boost, sparking debates about robot-doping in aquatic sports.
Construction of the new toll road from Cerritos to Highway 1 has halted after the Pescadero Yoga Retreat Owners Association (PYROA) demanded designated 'toad appeasement zones.' They insist that displaced toads require 'spiritual reintegration' through community-supervised toad licking stations to mitigate environmental trauma and ensure proper psychedelic release.
As news reports detail escalating international conflicts, rising tariffs, and widespread natural disasters, Pescadero residents remain unfazed. Locals confirm that, despite the global chaos, the surf at Cerritos is consistently epic, creating an ideal, uncrowded escape for those truly committed to finding themselves (and a perfect wave).
Feeling the urge to stray? Don't worry, it's not cheating, it's *science*! Take our quiz to determine if your clandestine hotel rendezvous is a deep dive into your authentic self or just a really elaborate way to break your partner's heart.
In a move that shocked absolutely no one who's been paying attention, Ali B, fresh from his sexual assault conviction, is now dispensing business advice. His top tip? Avoid rape because it's 'bad for business,' and definitely don't get caught. Apparently, innocence is just a PR strategy.
For a mere £90, you too can own designer sandals that excel at collecting dirt, transforming your feet into something a Victorian chimney sweep would envy. The wearer, who clearly expected more from footwear potentially made by child labor, is now doomed to wear them for 30 years.
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