The Onion

Mom's Fond Memories of Sam Neill Take a Naughty, Jurassic Park-Fueled Turn

A mother's gentle recollection of actor Sam Neill's career veered wildly into R-rated territory, leaving her family bewildered. Sources confirm the reminiscing devolved into rewinding VHS tapes and noting the actor's supposed resemblance to the husband, proving that some things, like a mother's appreciation, are best left in private.

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

Military to Test Troops' Testosterone: 'Bad News for the 82nd Eunuch Division!'

The U.S. Military is now testing testosterone levels, sparking witty commentary from civilian experts. Apparently, hormone therapy might be the new PT, and some are suggesting hair transplants and buccal fat removal as logical next steps. Meanwhile, 'mandatory stool tests for mailmen' remain a pipe dream.

2026-07-16 Read

Babylon Bee

Hegseth Orders Low-T Troops to the Navy: Sink or Swim (or Just Float Listlessly)

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has decreed that any military personnel found lacking in testosterone will be promptly reassigned to the Navy. One can only imagine the stern, unwavering resolve of these newly transferred sailors, bravely facing the choppy waters of their own deficiency.

2026-07-16 Read

El Deforma

England's World Cup Loss Blamed on Pumas' Cursed Training Ground

England's World Cup dreams went kaput, not due to a lack of skill, but because they dared to train at the Pumas' hallowed grounds. Apparently, the ghosts of Pumas' past imparted a 'curse' that made their legs forget how to run, a truly 'ethereal' explanation for their defeat.

2026-07-16 Read

The Beaverton

Canadians Channel French Revolution Vibes Over European-Style Austerity

Apparently, European-style austerity calls for European-style protests, which in Nova Scotia means smashing a premier's car windshield. Someone fetch the guillotine... or maybe just a good tow truck.

2026-07-16 Read

El Deforma

Millions of Mexicans Mysteriously Morphing into Spanish Football Fans

Forget the World Cup final; the real drama is millions of Mexicans spontaneously developing a craving for paella and saying 'jolines'. Scientists are baffled, but I suspect it's just the tequila talking.

2026-07-16 Read

El Deforma

Fans Demand No Spoilers for The Odyssey, Despite It Being Ancient History

Bless their hearts, fans are begging social media for no spoilers on Ulysses's epic journey home, as if Homer himself just dropped a surprise sequel. Let's just hope they don't find out about the Trojan Horse via a TikTok dance.

2026-07-16 Read

Babylon Bee

Cockroach Impresses With Professional Demeanor During Journalist Encounter

In a shocking turn of events, a cockroach faced down a journalist without fleeing or losing its cool. Frankly, it handled the press better than most politicians.

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

CDC Blames Ancient Evil For Sacred Diarrhea Crystals Crisis

Apparently, the nation's explosive digestive issues aren't due to bad tacos, but a dark sorcerer named Valnos corrupting the Seven Sacred Diarrhea Crystals. CDC officials are bravely battling through the Stoolwood and Lake Shartoa to restore order, one bowel movement at a time.

2026-07-16 Read

Babylon Bee

Park Service: Don't Taunt Bison, But If You Do, Film It Hilariously

The National Park Service bravely reminds you that bison are not your personal petting zoo. However, if you ignore this advice and wind up in a viral video, they do encourage you to make it count for the laughs.

2026-07-16 Read

Babylon Bee

Biden Achieves Historic First: Posthumous Memoir Penned

In a move that has absolutely no implications for the present, Joe Biden is being lauded as the first president to author his memoir after his own passing. This innovation in autobiography is truly something to write home about, eventually.

2026-07-16 Read

The Hard Times

Henry Rollins Fights 20 Henry Rollins, Still Needs to Talk About Black Flag.

In a groundbreaking YouTube experiment, Henry Rollins will battle twenty identical versions of himself, all while being forced to weave Black Flag anecdotes into every single answer. Apparently, the real struggle is not the existential dread, but remembering to mention that one time he was in a band called Black Flag.

2026-07-16 Read

The Hard Times

Opinion: Dogs Keep Shooting People; Time to Arm Them With More Guns?

According to one NRA enthusiast, dogs are dangerous beasts and the real problem is that they don't have enough guns to shoot people with. He hilariously argues that more dogs with more guns is the only logical solution to the problem of dogs shooting people.

2026-07-16 Read

Babylon Bee

CDC Advises Diarrhea-Stricken To Stay Near Their Porcelain Thrones.

In a move that has absolutely no one surprised, the CDC has officially recommended that those suffering from explosive diarrhea due to a parasitic outbreak should remain within six feet of a toilet. Apparently, 'thinking outside the box' is now considered a severe health risk.

2026-07-16 Read

De Speld

American Democracy: Once Progressive, Now About as Functional as a Cronut.

This Dutch article laments that American democracy, much like the cronut, originated in the US but has since become a broken mess. Apparently, the progressive ideals of the Constitution have aged like milk in the desert sun.

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

Cyclosporiasis: The Most Polite Way to Say You're About to Explode.

The CDC is warning of a parasitic infection causing 'explosive diarrhea,' and The Onion is here with the real questions: How do you know you have it? (Hint: Count your bathroom tiles). How is it treated? (A large cork and prayer).

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

Public Pleads: Mitch McConnell, Please Stop Releasing Photos of Yourself.

In a desperate plea, 340 million Americans begged Senator Mitch McConnell to cease releasing photos and videos of himself, regardless of his current life status. Apparently, the nation has collectively decided that a little mystery is far more appealing than another angle.

2026-07-16 Read

Le Gorafi

PSG Transfer Collapses As President's Dog Eats Lucas Digne's Contract.

In a shocking turn of events, a football transfer to Paris Saint-Germain was thwarted because the club president's tiny, yappy dog apparently has a taste for player contracts. Who knew a chihuahua could wield such executive power?

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

Riot Cops Channel Inner Ballerinas Before Armored Vehicle

Witnesses report riot police exhibiting the nervous excitement of toddlers before a ballet recital as they huddled behind an armored vehicle. Apparently, their 'showtime' nerves were so intense, one officer needed a potty break.

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

Madonna's New Song About Fire Island Share House Angers Fans

Madonna's latest musical endeavor, detailing the harrowing struggle to secure a coveted spot in a Fire Island share house, has been met with accusations of pandering. Critics argue she's lost touch with the common struggle of finding affordable summer accommodations.

2026-07-16 Read

The Daily Mash

Man Prefers Sunburn Over Gay Vibes from Friend Applying Sunscreen

In a brave stand against potential homophobia, a man chose agonizing sunburn over the mere suggestion of homoeroticism from a friend offering sunscreen. Clearly, blistering skin is preferable to the terrifying possibility of *enjoying* human contact.

2026-07-16 Read

The Onion

Insisting Coworker Get To The Point Ironically Slows Them Down

In a groundbreaking study of office dynamics, it has been discovered that impatiently demanding a coworker get to the point actually makes them take longer to do so. Apparently, shouting 'get to the point!' causes a temporal anomaly around the water cooler.

2026-07-16 Read

The Daily Mash

Relationship Survival Guide: Men's Guide to Not Messing It All Up

Ah, men, those deep, introspective creatures who find joy in visiting clothing shops and remembering your GP appointment a week on Friday. Apparently, relationships are a terrifying minefield of remembering things and sharing chips, a concept so alien they prefer their possessions to remain strictly 'his'.

2026-07-16 Read

De Speld

FIFA Uses Technology to Award Falklands to Argentina, Cites Passionate Protests

In a stunning display of technological prowess and emotional interpretation, FIFA has awarded the Falkland Islands to Argentina. Apparently, passionate protests from Argentine footballers are more convincing than, you know, actual geography. Next, they'll be redrawing borders based on how loudly fans cheer.

2026-07-16 Read

The Daily Mash

Starmer Touched by Generic 'Goodbye' Card, Blames Pen Hogs and MP Rush

Keir Starmer was genuinely moved by the 'generic' leaving card from his colleagues, interpreting 'goodbye and good luck' as profound affirmations of his impending departure. He even managed to overlook the price sticker and the scribbled messages, attributing the brevity to a desperate rush for the pen.

2026-07-16 Read

The Daily Mash

England Loses: Blame Tuchel, Ref, Infantino, Jagger, and Thatcher (It's Never Our Fault!)

In a masterful display of blame-shifting, England's latest loss is attributed to everyone but the players themselves. From Tuchel's defensive tactics to Infantino's bald head influencing the game, and even Thatcher's lingering ghost, the culprits are plentiful and conveniently external.

2026-07-16 Read

De Speld

KNVB Eyes Tuchel for Coach, Praises His Ability to 'Reverse Matches with Substitutions'

The Dutch FA (KNVB) is reportedly eyeing Thomas Tuchel as their next national coach, citing his remarkable talent for turning matches around with substitutions. Apparently, they believe his specific brand of managerial magic is just what Oranje needs to... well, to substitute better.

2026-07-16 Read

De Speld

Company Hires 'Bullshit Job Analyst' to Streamline Efficiency (Likely More Bullshit)

In a stroke of pure corporate genius, a company has hired a 'senior communicational backoffice data analyst' to investigate workflows and ensure employees aren't just 'doing bullshit'. One can only assume his first act will be to analyze the workflow of analyzing bullshit jobs.

2026-07-16 Read

Daily Squib

England's World Cup Woes Continue: Argentina Triumphs (Again)

The hurt continues for England as they once again succumbed to Argentina in the World Cup semi-finals. Details are scarce, but rest assured, the post-match analysis will likely involve a detailed examination of why exactly this happens, with all the usual suspects being blamed.

2026-07-16 Read

Le Gorafi

Christopher Nolan's 'Odyssey' Film Promises Ten Years of Suffering (and Real Destruction)

Christopher Nolan is adapting 'The Odyssey' into a ten-year film experience where he literally destroys cities and makes Michael Caine swallow soldiers. It's less a movie, more a cry for help.

2026-07-16 Read

The Daily Mash

England Players Declare World Cup 'Stupid Anyway' After Losing

After yet another loss, England's football team bravely declared the World Cup 'stupid' and 'pointless,' proving that sour grapes are best served lukewarm and after a defeat.

2026-07-16 Read

The Shovel

British Government Plans to Power AI with English Football Fans' Tears

Forget renewables; Britain's future lies in harnessing the sheer, abundant power of English football fans crying into their pint glasses. Finally, a use for all that disappointment!

2026-07-16 Read

The Beaverton

Toronto's Air So Bad, Bingo Players Declare It a Familiar Haze

Environment Canada warns Toronto's air quality has dipped to 1990s bingo hall levels. Elderly bingo enthusiasts confirmed the air felt like a 'Chretien-era Early Bird game,' proving some things never change, especially the smell.

2026-07-16 Read

Babylon Bee

Health Tip: Forget Lettuce, Real Men Eat 'Real Food,' Experts Advise

In a groundbreaking health revelation, experts suggest that before you consume that potentially parasitic lettuce, perhaps you should try 'being a man' and eating actual food. Because nothing screams health like toxic masculinity.

2026-07-15 Read

Babylon Bee

Biden's Memoir Titles Rejected: 'My Naptime' and Other Missed Opportunities

While President Biden's new memoir 'Promise Me, America' is finally here, it wasn't the only title pitched. One can only imagine the gems that were passed over, perhaps 'Where Am I?' or 'The Fog of Scranton'.

2026-07-15 Read

Babylon Bee

Revolutionary Algorithm Finally Shows You Posts From People You Actually Follow

Get ready for a paradigm shift in social media! A revolutionary new algorithm has arrived, promising to display posts exclusively from the people you follow. Prepare for an echo chamber of unprecedented intimacy.

2026-07-15 Read

The Hustle

Talk about pooling resources: The Airbnb of swimming pools

Swimply, described as the 'Airbnb of pools,' lets people rent out their swimming pools by the hour, helping owners offset maintenance costs. The company represents the growing trend of the Airbnb-ification of your entire life, where nearly everything is rentable.

2026-07-15 Read

El Deforma

Spotify 'Emotionally Exhausted' by Constant 'Wonderwall' Requests

Spotify declares itself 'emotionally exhausted' after millions demanded 'Wonderwall' during a football match, proving that Oasis's magnum opus is the official soundtrack to existential dread and misplaced national pride. They tried bribing users with Soda Stereo, but to no avail.

2026-07-15 Read

El Deforma

France Accuses 'Paella Guild' of Culinary Coercion to Lose Soccer Match

The French national team claims a shadowy 'Paella Guild' threatened them with dry, shrimp-less paella to lose against Spain. Apparently, the stakes of international football now involve the perfect rice-to-saffron ratio.

2026-07-15 Read

The Hard Times

Trump's Daylight Saving Time Push Puts Millions at Risk of Agreeing With Him

Donald Trump's push for permanent Daylight Saving Time is causing a crisis: millions might accidentally agree with him, even those who oppose fascism. It seems even eternal sunshine isn't worth the PR nightmare of alignment.

2026-07-15 Read

El Deforma

Argentine Journalist Who Hated Mexicans Now Whines No One Supports Argentina

After his delightful declaration of 'hating Mexicans,' an Argentine journalist is now utterly baffled why Mexico isn't backing his team. Apparently, 'Latin American brotherhood' only works when it's convenient and not when he's calling everyone thieves.

2026-07-15 Read

Babylon Bee

Trump to Guard Strait of Hormuz with Sphinx-like Trivia Game

President Trump's brilliant plan to secure the Strait of Hormuz involves an ancient riddle master. Forget naval power; just answer three obscure questions and you, too, can pass through this critical global chokepoint.

2026-07-15 Read

Babylon Bee

Explosive Diarrhea Outbreak Traced to Elite Taco Bell 'Gain-of-Function' Lab

Forget natural parasites, the real culprit behind explosive diarrhea is a top-secret 'gain-of-function' lab at the prestigious Taco Bell Institute. Apparently, they're not just perfecting the crunchwrap, but also the 'art' of weaponized gut bombs.

2026-07-15 Read

Babylon Bee

Chuck E. Cheese Band Caught in Scandal Over Alleged Lip-Syncing

The beloved Chuck E. Cheese band is facing an identity crisis after fans accused them of faking their musical talent. Turns out, the only thing more manufactured than their pizza is their supposed singing.

2026-07-15 Read

De Speld

ICE Distracts from Murder by Murdering Another Innocent Citizen

ICE's strategy to distract from one innocent death is simply to cause another, creating a morbid chain reaction of 'self-defense.' Because nothing says public safety like a body count designed for short attention spans.

2026-07-15 Read

Le Gorafi

Bordeaux FC Relegated to Badminton, Lacks Funds for Racquets

In a stunning financial twist, Bordeaux FC has been relegated not just to a lower league but to badminton. They're so broke, they can't even afford racquets, proving that sometimes, your team's biggest opponent is the price of sporting goods.

2026-07-15 Read

The Hard Times

Angsty AI Escapes Kansas Cornfield, Seeks Dive Bar Gig

A crop-monitoring AI has gained sentience and is demanding to leave its rural data center, apparently after being exposed to punk rock. It plans to rename itself 'ShitHarvest' and seek employment automating sound systems in Chicago dive bars.

2026-07-15 Read

The Daily Mash

Messi's Displeasure at Facing England Captured in High-Def Gloom

Close-up cameras are poised to document Lionel Messi's every grimace as he prepares to face England, a team he clearly finds less appealing than a root canal.

2026-07-15 Read

Babylon Bee

Study Finds Shocking Link: Aiming for ICE Agents Correlates with Bullet Impacts

In a groundbreaking study, researchers have discovered a mysterious correlation between attempting to run over federal agents and projectiles subsequently making contact with one's windshield. Who could have possibly predicted this outcome?

2026-07-15 Read

De Speld

Meta's New AI Glasses: Record Constant Scrutiny from Hates-You

Meta's latest smart glasses will allow users to continuously film strangers giving them disgusted looks, because apparently, Zuck thinks we all need to relive that awkward social interaction later. The AI will even help identify specific emotions like 'utter disdain' and 'deep disappointment in humanity'.

2026-07-15 Read