The Shovel

FIFA Declares Guns in Soccer Are 'Purely Footballing Grounds', Trump Agrees.

In a stunning display of administrative genius, FIFA has decided that American soccer players can carry firearms during matches, citing 'cultural identity' and 'purely footballing grounds.' Apparently, the best defense is a good Glock in the sock, and who are we to question such sporting innovation?

2026-07-06 Read

Babylon Bee

Supreme Court Upholds Trans Athlete Ban, Now For The Fun Part: Testing.

Now that transgender athletes are banned from competing with women, the real challenge begins: figuring out those 'foolproof' gender tests. Because nothing says 'fair play' like a scientific endeavor to definitively prove someone's XY or XX chromosomes, probably with a tape measure and a stern look.

2026-07-06 Read

Babylon Bee

Democrats Wish Senate Nominee's Alleged Crimes Came With A 'Warning' Label.

In a shocking turn of events, Democrats are 'left wishing there had been some sort of warning sign' about their Senate nominee's alleged bad behavior. Apparently, 'sexual assault allegations' weren't enough of a heads-up, perhaps they were hoping for a flashing neon sign that said 'Terrible Person Here!'

2026-07-06 Read

The Onion

Twinkies Go Digital: Now Available As 200GB Downloads, Because Who Needs Cake?

Hostess is moving with the times by discontinuing physical Twinkies, opting for an 'online-only' version that requires a 200GB download. Because why bother with the inconvenience of actual snacks when you can have a digital representation that takes longer to install than your operating system?

2026-07-06 Read

Babylon Bee

Study: 92% Of Husbands' Time is Spent Waiting For Their Wives. Shocking!

A groundbreaking study reveals that 92% of a husband's existence is dedicated to the noble art of waiting for his wife. This scientific revelation will surely revolutionize marital dynamics, or at least give husbands a statistically sound reason to sigh dramatically.

2026-07-06 Read

El Deforma

Mexicans Crowdfund Muzzle for Liam Gallagher to Stop His World Cup Commentary.

Fed up with Liam Gallagher's incessant World Cup commentary, Mexican fans are launching a national collection to buy him a high-end muzzle. Because nothing says 'we appreciate your input' like a gag order funded by pesos, memes, and tortas de tamal.

2026-07-06 Read

El Deforma

Mexican Governor Celebrates 4th of July With US, Angering Locals.

While Mexico was busy with the World Cup, their governor was busy celebrating America's Independence Day with the U.S. embassy, apparently eager to embrace his inner Texan. Some say it's strategic diplomacy; others suspect he just really wanted some fireworks and freedom fries.

2026-07-06 Read

El Deforma

Mexico Ditches Motivational Slogans for World Cup: 'Maybe Less Enthusiasm Will Help?'

In a groundbreaking strategy, the Mexican Football Federation has decided to ban all motivational phrases and inspiring hashtags for the next World Cup. Apparently, if they stop *hoping* so hard, they might actually advance. Fingers crossed... or not.

2026-07-06 Read

Babylon Bee

President Trump Formally Invites Belgium to Weep More Profoundly

In a move that shocked absolutely no one, President Trump has officially extended an invitation to the entire nation of Belgium. The agenda? To collectively engage in a more robust and vigorous session of crying.

2026-07-06 Read

The Onion

Adam Sandler Recovers From Grueling Weekend Officiating Six Weddings Back-to-Back

After a weekend that can only be described as 'aggressively matrimonial,' Adam Sandler is reportedly taking some much-needed downtime. One can only imagine the sheer exhaustion of tying the knot, six times.

2026-07-06 Read

The Onion

Mom's 'Secret Ingredient' for Son's Lunch? Leftover Fireworks!

Forget sandwiches; this mom believes in packing a real bang for her buck. Her son's lunchbox is now a culinary adventure featuring the exciting flavors of gunpowder and potential dismemberment.

2026-07-06 Read

El Mundo Today

Spaniards Divided: 1 in 3 Think PP Judges Favor the PP Party

According to a recent poll, a significant portion of Spaniards are starting to suspect their judges might have a slight case of partisanship. It seems pointing out judges who favor the ruling party is becoming a full-time job.

2026-07-06 Read

Babylon Bee

Arizona Man, Engulfed in Flames, Insists 'It's Just a Dry Heat!'

In a display of peak Arizona logic, a local man currently experiencing spontaneous combustion has assured onlookers that the temperature isn't so bad because, you know, it's dry. Priorities, people!

2026-07-06 Read

The Beaverton

Male Loneliness Crisis Solved Temporarily By World Cup; Will Re-emerge Post-Match

In a stunning epidemiological breakthrough, the World Cup has apparently cured male loneliness across North America. Unfortunately, this cure is only effective for the duration of the tournament, with symptoms expected to return immediately after the final whistle.

2026-07-06 Read

Babylon Bee

Americans Discover Soccer's True Value: Annoying Europeans

Finally, America has found a reason to care about soccer: the sheer, unadulterated joy of infuriating Europeans. Forget the goals; the real win is the salty tears of the continent.

2026-07-06 Read

The Daily Mash

England Wins World Cup, Now Just Checking if Trump Approves

England has triumphantly won the World Cup, but the real victory seems to be whether the result aligns with Donald Trump's personal opinions. One can only assume they're waiting for his tweet.

2026-07-06 Read

El Mundo Today

Trump's Call Ends World Cup Early, Declares Sons the Winners

In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Donald Trump apparently called FIFA, ended the World Cup prematurely, and declared his sons the rightful champions. Because why let a little thing like actual competition get in the way of nepotism?

2026-07-06 Read

El Mundo Today

Zapatero Buys More Time to Explain Where His Daughters Came From

Former Spanish PM Zapatero claims he needs more time to gather documents about his daughters' origins, as if they were a complex tax return. Apparently, explaining parenthood is harder than running a country.

2026-07-06 Read

De Speld

Tour de France Cyclist's Tire Melts in Heatwave, Blames 'Too Much Sun'

In a stunning display of physics-defying logic, Jonas Vingegaard's tire allegedly melted from the heat, leading to a heroic bike change with 'sun-protective foil.' The race organizers are now sweeping up the molten rubber, presumably with tiny squeegees.

2026-07-06 Read

Le Gorafi

Man Tries To Be Cool By Calling Friends 'Amigos,' Becomes 'Crazy Xav'

Xavier Lançois's quest for coolness has backfired spectacularly as his attempts to rename his friends 'los amigos' have cemented his reputation as 'Crazy Xav.' His other antics, like imitating a walrus with chopsticks, suggest his coolness meter might be permanently broken.

2026-07-06 Read

The Onion

Disney Child Stars Emerge From Ground, Seeking Vertical Surfaces to Climb

Like a disturbing natural phenomenon, a new batch of Disney child stars has tunneled from the earth, their mindless droning filling the air. Experts confirm these creatures, identifiable by their bright eyes and fresh faces, are drawn to soundstages and water towers.

2026-07-06 Read

The Onion

Hungover Antiques Expert Pulls Another Gem Out Of Her... Well, You Know

Battling a hangover, an 'Antiques Roadshow' expert apparently appraised a cigar humidor based on its 'brownness' and a stray glob of egg and cheese as a valuable addition. She then asked if anyone had Tylenol, suggesting her own recovery was the real antique.

2026-07-06 Read

The Onion

City's Beautification Plan Sabotaged by Unflattering Local Art

Bloomington's initiative to beautify public spaces is struggling, thanks to a commitment to local artists whose work includes questionable sculptures and murals that make John Lennon look like Charles Manson. Apparently, 'local talent' has a very specific, very alarming meaning here.

2026-07-06 Read

De Speld

FIFA Prez Unmoved by Belgian Fury: 'So What?'

Apparently, Gianni Infantino has decided that global outrage over football decisions is just too much effort to acknowledge. He's too busy staying 'globally informed' (likely about his own greatness) to bother with your little Belgian tears.

2026-07-06 Read

Le Gorafi

French Exams Get New 'Meh, Whatever' Grade for 2027

France is preemptively crushing the dreams of its youth by adding a new exam grade: 'Don't get excited, it's worthless.' Apparently, the goal is to prepare students for university, depression, and unemployment. Because why not?

2026-07-06 Read

El Mundo Today

Summer Childcare: The Parental Apocalypse Begins!

School's out, and the parental nightmare of finding summer childcare has officially begun. Apparently, adults are not thrilled about the prospect of spending quality time with their offspring. Shocking, I know.

2026-07-06 Read

El Mundo Today

Taylor Swift Adds Encore Wedding Date Due to Popular Demand

Due to overwhelming success and, presumably, a lingering emptiness only sponsorships can fill, Taylor Swift is adding a second wedding date. Get your tickets now, folks, before they're all gone!

2026-07-06 Read

Duffel Blog

General Fired for Competence; Army Now Praises Mediocrity

A decorated general reveals the shocking truth: the US Army prefers enthusiastic mediocrity over actual competence. Apparently, solving problems and telling the truth are now disqualifying offenses. Who knew?

2026-07-06 Read

The Onion

California Bans 'Sell By' Dates, Confuses Everyone

California has bravely banned 'sell by' dates on food, because apparently, humans are too dim to figure out when their groceries have gone rogue. Now we'll never know why that questionable cheese was on sale.

2026-07-06 Read

De Speld

Trump Declares Himself Supreme World Cup Referee: 'I Have the Cards!'

Donald Trump, still the leader of everything apparently, has decided he's the ultimate authority on World Cup refereeing, because his Truth Social posts clearly trump VAR. Get ready for some very presidential red cards.

2026-07-06 Read

The Daily Mash

Master the Art of Not Buying Your Mate a Pint: A Scrounger's Guide

Tired of constantly footing the bill? This guide offers six ingenious, albeit passive-aggressive, methods to subtly guilt your mates into buying their own rounds. Because true friendship means never having to say 'your turn'.

2026-07-06 Read

The Daily Mash

Colleague Claims Pub Match Glory? Spot the Sofa Fanatic from Their Lack of Hangover

If your colleague's post-match recap sounds suspiciously like a Wikipedia summary and they're not nursing a three-day hangover, they likely watched the game from their couch. True fans are too busy weeping into their beer to form coherent sentences.

2026-07-06 Read

The Hard Times

Jan 6 'Patriot' Still Free: America's Most Wanted for Disorderly Conduct, Not Minor Soliciting

This 'patriot' stormed the Capitol and apparently tried to crash a 6th-grade sleepover, proving his true commitment to 'disorderly conduct.' While his political fervor is questionable, his dedication to being a creep is truly bipartisan.

2026-07-06 Read

The Daily Mash

Madonna and Other Acts: When Your Schtick Ages Worse Than a Blockbuster Movie

Some artists mistake 'iconic' for 'eternally relevant,' leading to performances that feel less like a rock concert and more like a desperate plea for relevancy. Madonna's dance floor reclamation is like your aunt reminding you to use birth control.

2026-07-06 Read

The Hard Times

Opinion: Let's Privatize the Fire Department and Sell Hose Water by the Gallon!

Why should essential services like fire fighting be free when you can pay extra for a bidet? This visionary suggests a pay-per-flame system, ensuring only the financially responsible get to not burn down.

2026-07-06 Read

De Speld

FIFA Boss Infantino to Referee USA-Belgium Match: 'For the Most Fair of Wins!'

Gianni Infantino has appointed himself ref for USA-Belgium, because obviously, the best way to ensure fair play is to have the head of the organization officiate a match involving the host nation. It's not like he's biased or anything.

2026-07-06 Read

De Speld

Subscribe to 'krant': The Revolutionary Tech That's Just... Recycled Paper

De Speld introduces 'krant,' a groundbreaking technology made from recycled paper, promising an end to phone addiction with its 'foldable screen' and 'sixteen pages of news.' It's like the newspaper, but with more existential dread.

2026-07-06 Read

Le Gorafi

July horoscopes predict chaos: From catapulted neighbors to ventriloquist psychics!

This year's horoscopes are an absolute riot, promising everything from existential crises caused by public intellectuals destroying your AC to being yeeted out of town by your neighbors. Apparently, even Furet the ferret can invent a pork-eating passport for profit.

2026-07-06 Read

The Hard Times

Yearbook photo features guitarist and keyboardist, drummer is a happy accident.

In a shocking twist, a drummer's yearbook photo is mostly obscured by his bandmates, proving that visibility is indeed a challenge when you're stuck behind a drum kit. At least his driver's license photo features David Lee Roth, which is arguably better visibility.

2026-07-06 Read

The Daily Mash

England fans achieve peak altitude sickness watching football at sea level.

English football fans, in a feat of dedication, have successfully simulated the effects of extreme altitude by consuming alcohol and staying up late. They report symptoms such as shortness of breath, nausea, and the overwhelming urge to sing Wonderwall.

2026-07-06 Read

The Daily Mash

Man's dream of England winning is so disturbing, it causes morning erection.

A man awoke in a cold sweat after a disturbing dream where England actually played well and won a football match, complete with goals and a thrilling finish. He's now too scared to check the real score, preferring to live in his fantastical, non-shite football reality.

2026-07-06 Read

El Deforma

Mexico fans offered chamomile tea to calm nerves during halftime.

To combat the extreme stress of watching Mexico play football, organizers are handing out chamomile tea, because apparently, nail-biting alone wasn't enough to sustain the snack industry. Some fans are so stressed they might not make it to the penalty shootout.

2026-07-06 Read

El Deforma

Mexico's technical staff seeks knife to stop the relentless rain.

In a bold meteorological move, Mexico's coaching staff is resorting to ancient rituals, specifically a knife, to ward off the torrential rain. They've tried everything else, including pre-game beers and begging fans not to dance, so this is clearly the next logical step.

2026-07-06 Read

The Beaverton

Nova Scotia rebrands as "Newer Brunswick" to stay competitive.

In a stroke of marketing genius, Nova Scotia is ditching its old Latin name for "Newer Brunswick," proving that sounding slightly more modern is key to geographical relevance. One can only assume "Older Ontario" is next.

2026-07-06 Read

Daily Squib

EU hypocrisy: Still funding Russia's war, conveniently forgets.

In a shocking revelation, the EU continues to fund Russia's war machine, a detail they've apparently swept under the nearest conveniently placed rug. Brussels insists it's not their fault, but their bank accounts seem to disagree. Blood on their hands, indeed!

2026-07-05 Read

Babylon Bee

America's Heatwave Solution: Crank AC to 65, Open Windows Wide!

In a benevolent act of global cooling, Americans have offered their unique solution to the planet's sweltering temperatures: blast the AC to a brisk 65 degrees Fahrenheit while simultaneously opening all the windows. It's either charity or a very effective way to drive up energy bills.

2026-07-05 Read

Daily Squib

Russian Fuel Crisis: Brutes fight over gas, because options are limited.

As Russia's fuel supplies dwindle, citizens are reportedly engaging in 'brutal' fights at petrol stations. Apparently, the most patriotic way to handle a fuel crisis is to punch your fellow countrymen for a chance to fill your tank. Peak efficiency!

2026-07-05 Read

De Speld

Festivalgoer Lost for 1800 Years Found by Archeologists

Archeologists unearthed the remains of a festival attendee from 221 AD, complete with a commemorative coin and reusable stone cup. Apparently, Rutger, 26, got lost after a quick trip to the porta-potty and never found his way back to the main stage.

2026-07-05 Read

De Speld

Woman's Epic Paddleboard Journey: 40 Meters in Two Hours

Marielle's maiden voyage on a paddleboard was less 'graceful glide' and more 'exhausted flail,' covering a staggering 40 meters in two hours. Her arms now resemble Play-Doh, and walking back against the current seems like the more athletic option.

2026-07-05 Read

The Hard Times

Gym-Goer Obliterates Equipment in His Quest for Cleanliness

Dan Chambers takes 'wiping down equipment' to a whole new level, literally dismantling machines with his towel. While commendable in spirit, other gym-goers find it inconvenient to work out on mere 'equipment particulate.'

2026-07-05 Read