Page 111 of our collection of absurdities.
In a surprise move, the world is locking down again – this time because of... energy? Yes, you read that right. The new 'Energy Lockdown' promises to bring humanity to a standstill once more.
OXXO issued a statement yesterday acknowledging that its recent hot dog voucher campaign, promising 'life-changing' meals to customers, was actually just a scam to get people to switch to their prepaid phone plan. The vouchers, which were supposed to cover up to three months of phone service, were actually just a clever ruse to get people to buy more OXXO-branded merchandise.
In a bizarre move, the Baja California Sur government has announced that all commuters must now navigate the treacherous roads to work with a giant jumping cholla by their side. The new rule, which is set to take effect next Monday, is intended to 'increase road safety' and 'improve air quality'.
The Aquila bus driver was taken into custody yesterday after a passenger reported that the driver had been serving tequila shots to passengers during the morning commute. The driver claimed that he had been 'just trying to bring a little joy to the people of La Paz'.
A team of researchers from the University of Baja California Sur has published a study revealing that Pescadero's famous organic produce is actually just dirt with a few sprouts on top. The study's findings, which were published in a leading scientific journal, have left the town's farmers and health enthusiasts reeling.
In a bold move, local entrepreneur Carlos Hernandez has announced that he will now offer a 'no change' refund for customers who buy $500 worth of organic produce at his store. The promotion, which is set to start next week, is intended to 'encourage sustainable shopping habits' and 'reduce waste' in the community.
In a bold move to solidify its position as the go-to destination for all life's needs, OXXO has announced plans to expand its services to include haircuts, eyelash applications, and dispute mediation. Locals are both excited and terrified by the prospect of having OXXO's friendly staff mediating their petty squabbles over parking spots.
In a bizarre move, the BCS government has launched an initiative to reduce the number of cows on the highway, only to realize that cows were actually on the highway to begin with. The government is now offering discounts on tolls to all cows who can prove they were on the highway before the initiative was launched.
A rare albino blue whale was spotted in Baja waters yesterday, but the excitement was short-lived as the whale was immediately claimed by a wealthy yacht owner who wasn't even fishing at the time. The owner, who has a penchant for naming his boats after exotic locations, has renamed his yacht 'Bahia Azul' and is now offering whale-watching tours to tourists.
In an effort to boost customer experience, gas delivery trucks in Pescadero have started blasting disco music at ear-shattering decibels. Locals are both annoyed and impressed by the trucks' ability to get the party started, but are concerned about the potential effects on their blood pressure.
In a shocking move, the BCS Congress passed a 40-hour workweek reform, only to immediately repeal it due to a lack of funding for unlimited tequila breaks. The reform was championed by the local tequila industry, but was ultimately deemed too expensive to implement.
Former FBI director Robert Mueller has died at 81, prompting a delightfully deadpan response from President Trump: 'Good, I'm glad he's dead.' The Onion's take on a rather 'unexpected' tribute to the special counsel.
A quadruple amputee cornhole champion claims a different quad amputee was the real perpetrator, because identity is a real challenge when you're missing four limbs.
OXXO officials in Todos Santos have inexplicably begun rationing hot dog sales, citing 'increased demand for existential crises'.
A recent series of bizarre incidents has left residents of Pescadero wondering if their gas delivery trucks have developed a taste for 80s rock music.
In a shocking move, the Todos Santos council has decided to phase out backup generators in favor of 'mystical vibes', citing 'concerns about the spiritual well-being of tourists'.
A heated debate has erupted in Todos Santos over the existence of the 'Green Flash', with some residents claiming to have seen it and others insisting it's just a 'fashion trend'.
In a surprise move, the BCS governor has announced plans to replace 'Saludos' with 'Saluditos' in official government communications, citing 'the need for a more nuanced mezcal culture'.
Tired of breaking the bank on gym gear? Just eat a whole pizza by yourself!
In a shocking turn of events, a massive fraud ring was uncovered at a DC old folks' home, because who needs dignity when you can have a good scam?
Due to increased visitation, many BCS residents are spontaneously developing hermit tendencies, causing concerns among locals and national parks authorities. 'I just wanted to enjoy the views without 12 strangers following me,' said one bewildered hiker.
Despite being a popular tourist destination, the small town of Todos Santos has seen a surge in residents organizing impromptu farmers' markets, leaving many scratching their heads. 'I just wanted to sell my avocados, not start a social movement,' said a bewildered local farmer.
The OXXO-gas delivery trucks that terrorize the region's residents have upgraded their jingles to a 24/7 tequila-fueled mariachi extravaganza, leaving locals questioning their sanity. 'I'm not sure which is more disturbing, the music or the fact that the gas trucks are now offering tequila tastings,' said a shaken resident.
In a bizarre move, the Aquila bus network has been rebranded as a 'Wi-Fi-enabled adventure experience' with routes that seem to change daily. 'I was supposed to get to Cabo, but now I'm on a merry-go-round of bus transfers,' said a frustrated passenger.
The eternal debate among expats in Todos Santos has reached new heights, with some claiming to have seen the elusive 'Green Flash' and others insisting it was just their anxiety playing tricks on them. 'I'm pretty sure I saw it, but my mind is probably just trying to avoid my student loans,' said a resident.
Major League Baseball is ditching human umpires for cardboard cutouts – because who needs actual humans, anyway?
A popular hot dog cart in Todos Santos has introduced a new 'deluxe' option: extra sprouts for 500 pesos. The cart's owner claims that the extra sprouts have 'medicinal benefits' and will 'change your life'.
In a surprise move, the BCS council has decided to rebrand OXXO, the official embassy for all life's needs, as 'XOXO' to improve worker satisfaction. The new logo features a giant heart with a gas station in the center.
A popular organic cafe in Todos Santos refused to accept a 500-pesos bill, citing the local motto 'no hay cambio' as a form of spiritual protest. The owner insisted on accepting only cash with a 10% tip for 'good vibes'.
The popular Aqua bus service in Pescadero has undergone a rebranding to 'Aquila's Therapy Session' in an effort to reduce driver aggression. The new branding features a calming phrase 'You are welcome' in Spanish.
A rare albino blue whale was spotted in Baja waters, but instead of being protected, it was sold to a wealthy tourist for $1 million. The whale was seen happily swimming in a private pool at the tourist's beachfront mansion.
OXXO has implemented a new policy that requires all transactions to be settled with exact change, except for gas and questionable hot dog purchases. 'We're committed to supporting our customers' questionable life choices,' said an OXXO spokesperson. 'But let's be real, who needs change when you can have a decent hot dog?'
In a shocking move, the gas delivery trucks of Baja California Sur have announced plans to replace their human drivers with AI-powered salespeople. 'We're tired of being stuck on these dusty roads all day,' said a truck spokesperson. 'Now we can sell ice cream to tourists while they're stuck in traffic.'
A heated debate has erupted among expats in Todos Santos over the existence of the 'Green Flash.' In a surprising twist, local artists have come out in support of the debate, citing a lack of creative stimulation in the community. 'We need more wine and cheese to discuss the finer points of sunset optics,' said one artist. 'This debate is just a distraction from the real issue: where's the good wine?'
A series of bizarre incidents has left surfers in Cerritos stunned and confused. It appears that a sudden influx of giant jumping chollas has caused surfers to inexplicably vanish into thin air. 'It's like they just disappeared into the desert,' said one surfer. 'I'm starting to think it's not the waves, it's the chollas.'
In a bold move, the Pescadero council has announced a new 'Aquila' bus route, featuring 17 stops and 17 more excuses for being late. 'We're committed to providing our citizens with the most inconvenient transportation options possible,' said a council spokesperson. 'Because what's a beach town without a little frustration and delay?'
After Cristiano Ronaldo cancels his Mexico appearance, ticket sellers claim the government misled them with false advertising and are now suing the PROFECO for 'fraud'. They're having a field day, claiming the experience is like buying a Simpsons action figure that's broken and then denying it when someone asks about it.
A sports fan's downward spiral into gambler-land is triggered by a women's basketball game. Yikes!
Esmeralda Camacho, Christian Nodal's ex-violinist wife, left a mysterious message after leaving Mexico, sparking speculation among fans about her departure and potential reasons behind it.
Disney set the record straight: the live-action Moana won't be a Bob Sponge crossover. Fans, however, are still convinced it's happening, and their theories are, um, 'interesting'.
In a bizarre turn of events, Chick-fil-A employees have taken over TSA checkpoints, eradicating wait times for anxious travelers. It's a win for frazzled flyers, and a mystery for everyone else.
In a bold move to boost local economy, Todos Santos council introduces strict new rules penalizing expats for excessive introspection, forcing them to spend money on overpriced acai bowls instead.
In an effort to boost city's morale, La Paz mayor unveils plan to install inspirational quote wall in city hall, promising to 'motivate' citizens to 'just go with the flow, man'.
In a bizarre move to promote 'self-care', BCS authorities announce that all gas delivery trucks must undergo regular 'wellness checks' to ensure they're 'blasting the right tunes' and 'wearing their favorite colors' before embarking on each delivery route.
In a surprise move, BCS Congress passes legislation requiring all citizens to carry a designated 'emotional support cholla' at all times, citing growing concerns about 'cholla-induced anxiety' in the community.
In an effort to promote unity and spiritual growth, Pescadero town council passes new ordinance requiring all residents to greet each other with the ancient Buddhist mantra 'Om Mani Padme Hum' upon sight, citing growing concerns about 'lacking good vibes' in the community.
A Coahuila mayor's water project promises much but delivers little, leaving residents dry and amused
Disney's live-action Moana remake saved big on its budget by hooking Dwayne Johnson up with a Spirit Halloween wig for $8 – because who needs fancy CGI when you can just give The Rock some thrift store flair?
After months of slow internet, residents of La Paz can now enjoy 5G speeds without succumbing to existential dread.
The popular convenience store chain has started a subscription service featuring exotic hot dog toppings, but some customers are questioning the life choices.
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