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humor The Onion 2026-06-03

White House Doctor Certifies Trump as 9-Foot-Tall, Levitating, Pyrokinectic 35-Year-Old

Forget health concerns, Trump's physical revealed he's basically a superhero! At 9 feet tall, 35 years old, and capable of levitation and pyrokinesis, he's not just president, he's a mythical creature.

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